Barking Mad

Because Insomnia is My New BFF

I found this nifty (not the rat!  He is long gone!) little meme over at Jess' place and decided to hijack it because I once again can't sleep. 

OK, the truth is that yes, I did hijack the meme from Jess but I can't sleep because I have the same Goddamned nightmare over and over - that I've been having for 18 months now and the only way to keep from having the nightmare is to take two Xanax before bed.  I'm scared of developing a substance abuse problem on top of the nasty little eating disorder, so I just don't go to sleep until I absolutely can't keep my eyes open any longer.  I still end up having the nightmares about 75% of the time I don't take the Xanax, but I'm grateful for the nights that I can sleep, unfettered with the fucking nightmares that have plagued me for so long.

Anyhow, here we go!  By all means, feel free to hijack this from me, because you know you really want to.  Or maybe not.

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
The mortgage because it's huge.  It's the only "debt" we have aside from the regular monthly stuff like the ultilities.  Oh wait, there is another one I hate almost equally.  Our monthly fuel oil bill.  Living in New England, we heat our homes with fuel oil and it's hideously expensive.   And people wonder why we keep getting more and more cats.  No you ninnies, it's not to use their skins...it's so we can pile them on our beds at night in order to keep warm.  Hence the reason we'll be getting a Newfie soon!   And then I'm going to learn how to take all the cat hair we FURminate off all the beasties and get myself a big-ass loom and spin it into yarn.  I'll make a fortune off of it...or have really unique blankets.  Or not.  I sort of forgot that I don't know how to crochet or knit.

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
I can't honestly remember to tell you the truth.  I rarely leave the house to go and do things like that.  People in restaurants are always looking at what fat people eat, and I hate to be subjected to scrutiny like that.   Sometimes though, once the Little Imp is in bed, the hubby and I will snuggle up under a big duvet and share chocolate covered strawberries...his covered with milk chocolate and mine with white.  That counts doesn't it, as a romantic meal?

3. Last time you went to the movies?
I took Meg and  eight of her friends to see the worst movie ever made...Drag Me to Hell.  After the movie, indeed I felt like I'd been dragged to hell. 

4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar?
I have never ever gotten drunk and danced on a bar.  Oiy! 
However, the last time I was considered slightly inebriated was Christmas night.  That's all I have to say about that.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Jesus on a bike!  I can't remember that far back.

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Sleeping and dreaming about being somewhere where it is not raining, rather than sleeping and dreaming about standing  in a bikini in front of the men who have hurt me and abused me.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
Famous author and radio DJ.  So far I've accomplished one out of two.  Not bad.

8. How many colleges did you attend?
4

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
I'm stealing Jess' answer.  Because it was clean.  When you have children, "clean" takes priority over "stylish" or "trendy."

10. If you could move anywhere where would you go?
Go back home to Cape Elizabeth.  It's only 35 miles south of where we are right now, but it's home.

11. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
It didn't go off. The Little Imp was at Montessori and after she left for school at 6:30 this morning I turned over and went back to sleep until 11AM.  Yeah, it was a bad night last night. 

12. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
"Please Jesus, God and whoever else is up there, don't let me have that dream.  Anything but that dream.  Please please please please please....."

13. Favorite type of music?
I'm eclectic when it comes to music.  But at this moment, I'm seriously into horror movie soundtracks and a awesome Australian, Gabriella Cilmi.  Check her out!

14. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
Read.  Write.  Take pictures.  Hang with the hubby and the Little Imp and make her laugh.  Chill with Megawatt. 

15. What errand/chore do you despise?
Any and all of them.

16. Get up early or sleep in?
I'm depressed.  Sleep is a way of life for me. 

17. What is your favorite cartoon character?
"Little Audrey"

18. What do you miss most about high school?
Mr. Hackney and chillin' with the peeps from his Econ/Gov't class.

19.What do you miss most about college?
Being excited to finally "get it"....all the adult concepts and philosophies that I always thought were over my head, but eventually sunk in.  I miss that feeling.

20.When did you first start feeling old?
When I opened my mouth and heard my mother jump out.  It's happening more often lately especially as it relates to Megawatt and I.  I find myself really not liking how she dresses sometimes, or the shit she's done to her hair (she bought BLACK extensions and they look...well, less than stellar), or telling her to turn her "Goddamned stereo down!"   I clearly remember my own mother ripping me a new one over similar things and promising myself I'd never "get old" like that and be a harpy.  Now when I look in the mirror I say, "Well hello old harpy!"  

21.Favorite 80’s movie?
The Breakfast Club

22.Your favorite lunch meat?
Smoked turkey

23.What do you get every time you go into Sam’s Club? Or Walmart?
Notta

24.Beach or lake?
Beach!  The ocean is where it's at!

25.Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
Dude, I've been married three times.  I obviously don't think it's outdated...it's just that it wasn't until the third time that I actually picked the right one.

26.Favorite guilty pleasure?
Cheesy vampire romance novels, yeah, just like Twilight.  Oh and if I can read one of them whilst eating a bologna sammie loaded with Fritos, all the more guiltily pleasurable. Oh and I can't forget the ice cold Coke over crushed ice. 

27.Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
Bob Hope and Lucille Ball movies.  Shuddup already!

28.What’s your drink?
Those Down Under Darned from Outback...other than that, it's Coke over crushed ice.

29.Cowboys or Indians?
Native Americans!  I am after all, half Cherokee, what did you think I was gonna say?

30.Cops or Robbers?
Cops.  They have handcuffs.  'Nuff said.

31.Who from high school would you like to run into?
Lauren Geary, Donnie Hale, Walter Hawthorne, and Kim Smith.

32.What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
WGAN...talk radio.  Yeah so I like to listen to talk radio, go figure!

33.The Cosby Show or the Simpsons?
Neither.  I have never even seen an episode of the Simpsons.  Something about Homer makes me itch.

34.Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
The list is long and it's futile to think about them now.  Not a damn thing I can do about it.

35.If you could get away with it, who would you kill?
Yeah right, like I'd actually put that out there for everyone to read. 

36.What famous person(s) would you like to have dinner with?
Lucille Ball (I know I know, she's dead) or Julia Roberts.  I have such a girl-crush on Julia. *sigh*

37.What famous person would you like to sleep with?
Jesus wept!  My HUSBAND is reading this! But if you put a gun to my head and said that I absolutely, under the threat of death, must answer this, well, who am I to argue with that?  There are a few.  Jeremy Clarkson, although his wife might take issue with that.  Hugh Laurie, and his wife might raise an eyebrow too...and last but not least, James Marsters.

38.Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Yes.  That's all I have to say about that.

39.Last book you read for real?
An Inconvenient Book by Glenn Beck, first four books in the House of Night series (don't waste your money), When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris, Stiff by Mary Roach, Cherokee Indian Nation - A Troubled History, by Duane H. King, Understanding Exposure, by Bryan Peterson, Kings and Queens of England and Scotland, by Somerset Fry,  Interview with the Vampyre, by Anne Rice - for the fifteenth millon time.  Those are only some of the ones I'm currently trying to get through.

40.Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
At the radio station I used to work at in Columbus, OH. WCOL.  I was minutes from going on air and Lonestar was coming into the studio for an interview.

41.Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
I grew up in So Cal and I honestly can't think of any place I have never been that I'd want to go to down there.

42.What is your favorite sport to do?
Recliner aerobics.  You think I'm kidding?  Seriously, back when I used to not be sedentary, it was either Archery or Snowboarding.

43.What time do you go to bed?
Whenever the Xanax kicks in or whenever I faceplant into the computer.

44. Have you ever been in love?
Once...and I'm married to that true love.

45.Have you ever been cheated on?
Yes!

46.Have you ever cheated on someone?
No.

47.Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yes!

48.Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Yes.

49.At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
Neither.

50.Just how OLD are you?
OLD.

Flashbacks from the 4th

That's me, always after-the-fact.  I'm probably going to end up being late for my own funeral.  Funny that; being late for anything is one of my biggest pet peeves.

I actually have a good excuse for my latent 4th of July post.  I have recently started shooting in RAW (for those of you who don't give a rat's ass about photography, I don't mind that your eyes have already started to glaze over, vs. later on in my posts.) and not only are the image files ginormous, they take me forever to post-process.

To be blunt, the 4th of July 'round these parts of New England was pretty much a wash.  We were inundated with thunderstorms and downpours and it was wet and dreary; identical to much of the last six weeks.  So why should Independence Day be any different?  We certainly didn't gain our independence from the weather system stuck above us.

Earlier in the day, I had the hubby take the Little Imp on an adventure to go to the beach and get me some sand.  Notwithstanding the torrential downpours and the lightening slashing across the sky, they did!  He brought me back close to 30lbs of beach sand. Yeah, 30lbs.  Anyone out there in AZ want a little genuine Maine beach sand?

Why did I need some sand?  Because my luvlies, I wanted to make a centerpiece for my table. 

Voila!

Whilst I couldn't get outside to grill, I pinched a recipe from Noble Pig for sliders and despite my lack of culinary prowess, they turned out pretty damn good.  Actually, they tasted a lot like I remember the sliders from White Castle tasted.  If you haven't already checked out Noble Pig...go! Oh and don't forget to tell her I sent you!   I hate to admit that if it wasn't for her site, I'd have not gotten several last minute recipes and thus the inhabitants of the asylum would have been fending for themselves on several occasions - which equates having pizza delivered or someone getting takeout.

Sliders and fries...

Dessert was about the only thing that remotely resembled something patriotic.  Oh, and I came up with this by my very own self!  Yes, I'm proud...even more so that I didn't burn the asylum down when I lit it!

Add a sparkler and then light that baby up!



Crappy photography at it's best, but there you have it. An original Barking Mad Asylum 4th of July dessert.  You too can make this, all you need are these simple items!

I know that eventually my mom, whenever she gets back from Israel, is going to read this and say a couple of things;  "Audrey, where the hell did you get blue cake?"  and "Oiy vey! You are lazy, you could have made whipped cream rather than resorting to that crap in a can!" 

Thanks in advance mom for the helping of guilt!  Yes, I know I could have made homemade whipped cream.  However, I put this bad boy together at the last minute and I used what I had on hand.  As for the blue cake?  Easy peasy lemon squeezy!   My girl, Betty Crocker, hit me up with a white cake mix and some blue food colouring.  A little simple addition and you've got yourself a blue cake.  Smurfs everywhere will be proud.  Oh and your granddaughter was totally down with her patriotic dessert! 

Seeing as how it was pouring outside, we couldn't light any of the 50 packages of sparklers I have accumulated over the last 6 months.  Don't ask me why I have so damned many packages of sparklers.  Probably because anything more explosive than a sparkler is illegal in Maine.  I also managed to get my hands on a huge package of what I thought were "legal" fireworks here in Maine.  It also contained about another 30 packages of sparklers and tons and tons of other things I assumed were fireworks...like the kind that don't ever leave the ground, but alas, still legal in Maine.

The hubby took one look at them once I'd opened the package and knew what they were.  I was still completely in the dark (gee, big shock there!).  He started to open one and I went through the roof, yelling at him to "Don't you dare light that Goddamned thing in my house! Are you on crack? Have you lost your ever-lovin' mind?!?!"

He smacked one of the long golden tubes across his hand and as I dived under the table in anticipation of the explosion, bazillions of tiny little pieces of  multi- coloured paper started to rain down all over the kitchen.

Those "fireworks" I bought?  Yeah, they weren't so much fireworks as they were tubes of confetti. 

I can't even begin to describe the mess that ensued, show I'll show you instead.

That crap got everywhere!

Once I'd gotten the mess swept up in the kitchen (that doesn't even begin to cover the couters, the windowsill, the stove.), and into a nice little pile, the unthinkable happened.  Geronimo and Godiva decied to pounce on the pile!

I am still finding pieces of confetti all over the house and in the most unusual places. 

I was hopping into the shower the evening of the 4th and took my bra off and lo and behold, resting there between the girls were about 25 pieces of confetti.  

I took a book off the shelves on the fireplace and opened it up and out came flying several pieces of confetti.  

I was watching Griffy saunter past me yesterday and there, stuck to his ass?  Yeah, confetti.  

Being that there were no local fireworks displays on the 4th due to the rain, the local display that is put on in conjunction with Bath Heritage Days was held on the 5th. 

Megawatt, the hubby and the Little Imp all begged me to go.  The hubby told me it would be good chance to practice my night shooting and have my first go at shooting fireworks with the new camera and lenses.  Then he plied me with enough Xanax to put down an elephant and I went along.   Although, I forgot my tripod and trying to shoot fireworks without a tripod always ends badly...my shots from the fireworks display are no exception to that rule.

I think I was using the wrong lens too.

My one surprising success of the night, as far as taking pictures was concerned, was getting a half-way decent shot of La Luna...the moon.  I'm doubly tickled about this shot because I did it without a tripod, or knowing what the hell I was doing with the new camera.

Framed, in part,  by the Bath Bridge...

I have never ever been able to get a shot of the moon that resembles anything more than a speck of light against pitch black, so this little gem is near and dear to me.  See, it really is the simple things in life like this that manage to make me smile.  Well that and the fact that upon seeing this on the computer, the Little Imp looked up at me and beamed and then said, "Mumma, you are the bestest pichure taker in the world. You rock!" 

No, Little Imp...you, my dear, are the one who rocks!

Road Trip! AKA Thelma & Louise Part II

I guess I need to preface this by letting the hubby know that; I'm pretty sure I promise, in the event Megawatt and I are pulled into a gas station and along comes Brad Pitt, we won't give him a ride.  No matter how much he begs, or makes puppy dog eyes at us or promises he's going to leave Angelina.  Nope, there won't be any room in the Barking Madmobile for Mr. Pitt.  No way, no how.  Now, doncha feel better hubby dearest?

Louise Megawatt and I are getting ready to take a road trip (we leave the 15th) and we're both in the midst of making lists (what to pack for instance, "Not every bloody thing you own!" the hubby chimes in!) and checking them twice and betting one another who's going to be naughty and which one will be nice.  Megawatt is of the opinion that she and I ought to have a huge "Mother-Daughter" bitchfest now and get it out of the way so that we don't maim one another on the long drive down to Blog Fest.   I think her idea has a bit of potential if I do say so myself.  I wonder if there is anywhere around here we can rent those sumo wrestler suits and just have a merry go at one another out in the back garden?

Why would we need to do that?  Because it's a long-ass drive, that's why.  See...

click to enlarge image

Yes m'dears, that's right, Mrs. Barking Mad will indeed be leaving the asylum for a short holiday with her eldest daughter to meet and enjoy the company of other awesome women like her, and her, and her too, along with lots of others.

Megawatt and I will be staying here (that's for all of you creepy internet stalker types who want to come and prey on an overweight mom and her cute daughter), in this cute little room...

 

...Although, we won't be spending much time in there because Chesapeake Bay Woman and Big Hair Envy have so many awesome things planned for us, which is a good thing.  I reckon Megawatt and I would get on one another's nerves, cooped up in that little ol' room.

There was a fair amount of back-peddling on my part; trying to think of ways I could get out of this, but between my shrink, hubby and eldest daughter, they've all decided this will be a good thing for me and to just shut the hell up and quite whimpering to go and enjoy the time with Megawatt before she leaves for the Air Force.

Having said all that, my To-Do list, much like the others attending Blog Fest or even those attending BlogHer '09 in Chicago (I swear, if I have to read another post from a woman who weighs all of 105lbs soaking wet, about how she needs to lose "a ton" of weight before Blog Her, I am going to stab myself in the eye!),has a few things on it, which I imagine, are not too dissimilar from theirs...

Lose weight
Become interesting/humorous/less boring
Learn witty anecdotes
Become less paranoid and self-conscious
Learn how to immunize myself against "Foot in Mouth" disease
Bribe doctor into Rx'ing double dose of Xanax

However, I am going to make a valiant effort to keep all my inner bullshit to a minimum, enjoy myself and not worry too terribly much about what everyone else is thinking of me.  Besides, I really need to be able to focus on the important things like, where the hell am I going to pack all the non-essentials when the things like wine, beer, bottled water, and bug spray are going to take up most of the room?  And we can't forget the huge issue of "Road Trip Music" when you have a 40 year old and a 19 year old taking turns at the wheel.  Seriously, I don't know how much Screamo crap I can handle before I'll make Megawatt pull over so I can strangle her, and alternatively, I don't know how much Depeche Mode, Pachabel, Midnight Syndicate and Rob Zombie she'll be able to handle before she begs me to let her walk the rest of the way to Chesapeake Bay.

For those of you reading this who are my fellow Blog Festites (I was going to say "Blog Festers", but somehow that brought about a mental image of festering boils...ewwww!), here we are...Thelma and Louise, reincarnated...

Brad Pitt will be jealous (or perhaps grateful!) he didn't hitch a ride with us.

P.S.  Don't forget about the AWESOME Keurig giveaway!  Get your entries in!

Some Awkward 4th of July Fun!

In honor of Independence Day,  I thought I'd share some giggles.

Awkward Family Photos has had me in stitches for the past couple of days.   What better way to wish all of you an explosively HAPPY 4th of July than with this little gem...

source

I used to think it would be interesting to see if we could get all four cats in a photo with all of us...that was, until I saw this photo...

source

Another recent wellspring of hysterical laughter around the asylum has been, "Oh Crap, My Parent's Joined Facebook!"    I'm on Facebook, much to Megawatt's chagrin and embarrasment...most of the time.

My favourite, from OCMYPJF!, so far...

click to enlarge image

All of us here at the Barking Mad Asylum wish you a very

HAPPY 4th of JULY!

Who Will "Thrill" the Next Generation?

I have been sitting here this morning, looking at at the gray clouds and watching the never-ending silvery drops of water fall from the sky in an almost hypnotically rhythmic fashion, willing myself to not go back to bed, crawl under the covers and sink into the sweet oblivion that sleep offers me.  In doing so, I have been thinking about the events of the past several days, especially the deaths of Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.

Undoubtedly, Fawcett and Jackson were icons of my generation.  I grew up watching Charlie's Angels and instantly fell in love with "Farrah Hair" and spent years attempting to get my naturally curly hair to "feather" just like Farrah's did.  This was as close as I got...

I was only 5 when Fawcett married one of my childhood heroes, The Six Million Dollar Man, (Lee Majors), but was a prepubescent teen when they divorced in 1982.  I was crushed.  How could they split up?  Didn't they really love one another?   I guess there would never be any Majors-Fawcett babies with gorgeous hair.  Alas, I still had hope that Majors would eventually marry The Bionic Woman  (Lindsay Wagner) and they'd have lots of bionic babies together. So much for the dreams of a southern California pre-teen. Besides, ordinary toddlers are scary enough...can you imagine the havok a bionic toddler could wreak?  That's the stuff of nightmares!  Of course, I can say this now, as a mother who has parented five toddlers and is currently parenting one.

I digress.

Unlike my obsession with Farrah and her hair, I never really got very attached to Michael Jackson when he exploded all over the music and video scene.  Mine was the generation that birthed MTV and whilst my parents didn't want me spending my time being consumed by all things music-video, they did buy Thriller when it came out on video.  Being a HUGE Vincent Price fan (how many other little kids did you know, growing up, who sat, glued to the TV whenever ANYTHING with Vincent Price came on?  Yeah, I was that kid!), and an enormous fan of horror films, I was intrigued by the video. The dancing was mesmerizing and I'd never seen anyone move like Jackson did.    Was I as entranced and enamored of Jackson's other stuff?  Not so much.   During the time he owned the music scene, my tastes were more in line with Judas Priest, Motely Crue, Ozzy Ozbourne and then turning to bands like Depeche Mode and The Cure. If I were asked what my favourite Michael Jackson song would be, I'd have to say "Scream."  It's not coated in that sugary "pop" goodness that infests the Top 40 charts.  It's edgy, a little dark and that's what attracts me to it.

Even though my cassette collection (yes, I am indeed that old!), and eventual CD collection never contained anything by Jackson, I still understood and had respect for the immense talent he possessed and how he changed the landscape of music and video during my generation, and how his influence spread to other artists over the past three decades.  I'd be dishonest if I said I didn't find him a tad bizarre and wondered from time to time if any of the allegations made against him were true.  During my career in radio and voice work and all my time spent on the air, I never met him, or even came close to meeting him.  Those who I worked with who knew him personally, never had anything but the highest regard and utmost respect for him.  To me that said something.  I might have found Jackson to be a little strange...but that was simply an outsider's view into his world. 

The bottom line; there is no denying his genius and his effect on not only the music world, but the creative aspect of being an artist in an industry that craves the next big thing.  Jackson was, without a doubt, the biggest artist of my generation.  You can't argue his humanitarian efforts or the difference he made in the lives of millions around the globe simply by virtue of his music.  Music is a global language we all understand; his words echoed across oceans, over mountains and into hearts and minds the world over.  

When the hubby, who had been downstairs watching television, came up to tell me Jackson had died, I met the news with not only a fair amount of shock, but a bit of skepticism as well.  This was after all, Michael Jackson, the King of Pop; someone who lived life in a way most outsiders looked at as anything but normal.  We'd all seen the headlines of his looming financial woes and various other crisis' in recent years. I wondered if this wasn't all a huge ploy to escape impending disaster.  Eventually though, it sank in that this wasn't a hoax, that Jackson was indeed, dead. 

For the next few days there was little else on the television, internet or radio other than Michael Jackson.  So it's ironic that the Little Imp would find her introduction to Michael Jackson via his death. She is fascinated by the music and dancing and wants to watch little else other than Michael Jackson videos.   She rarely ever sits to watch his videos.  She is up and moving, dancing, (as I sit and pray that she doesn't start to imitate him grabbing his crotch!), and is singing along with him.  She is moved much the same way my entire generation was moved and influenced by his music, his videos...his art. 

As I sit back and watch the Little Imp's blonde curls bounce along to the tune of "Smooth Criminal" and listen to her sweet tiny voice sing along with the words, "....Annie are you okay, are you okay Annie?..." I ask myself, who will be the voice and sound of her generation?   Who will she want to emulate?  Who will move her to dance around her bedroom and inspire her to sing?  Who will she find beautiful and style her hair after?  Who will be the beat behind the bounce of her peers?  Who will be the one to take them by storm, rock them, and be the thriller of her generation?

Have you entered the Keurig giveaway?  No? What are you waiting for?  I'm giving away, not only a Keurig Platinum Home Brewing System, but a 3-month supply of k-cups to go with the Keurig and a $50 VISA gift card!  Go on now, get on it!