I'm sort-of picking up where I left off in my last post, my update on my weight loss. I didn't want to shove this in with the rest because it wasn't germane to the topic.
Anyhow, here goes!
At my office visit back on Friday the 13th, in addition to the normal stuff like weight and blood pressure (it's still borderline high) my doctor ran some blood tests and I found out I'm seriously anemic, as well as being deficient in potassium and magnesium. I'm working on getting back on track with healthy eating so that I can correct those deficiencies, but I'd be lying if I told you that I was shocked to find out that I'm "seriously anemic."
Anemia is something I've dealt with for a very long time. I've been told to take iron supplements for the last 20+ years. I always hesitate because I've read how constipating they can be, and if there's one thing I've never been, it's constipated. Even when I have upped my consumption of foods that are naturally high in iron and taken a supplement, I still end up anemic. We don't eat a lot of red meat; once a week would be considered "a lot" for our family. It's more likely that we eat red meat perhaps once a month! I've upped my intake of fresh spinach (don't even think about asking me to eat the cooked stuff! I can't stand it!), and I'm including other vegetables in my diet that are naturally high in iron. Apparently it's not been enough.
One thing I have never been aware of until now, and now I'm acutely aware of it, are the consequences of being "seriously anemic." Rapid heart rate (ding ding ding!), shortness of breath (ding ding ding) and extreme fatigue are all symptoms of being anemic. Once my doctor explained this, the bigger parts of a huge puzzle I've been dealing with for the last six months or so, started to fall into place.
I have been plagued with almost paralyzing fatigue since the middle of the summer. At first I chalked it up to the move from the house on the lake to our current home, and then my diet, then I thought it was a symptom of my depression worsening - but I didn't feel more depressed, just insanely tired all of the time. When we first joined the Y, instead of feeling an overall sense of more energy despite the muscle pain, I was just tired. All time time. I have been sleeping close 16 hours a day at this point. I'd wake up, get Gaby ready for school, walk her to the bus stop, walk around the block a couple of times, come back home and sleep until noon, or sometimes until 2pm. I just could not seem to get enough sleep.
In an effort to try and get more sleep earlier in the evening, I started taking two Xanax before bed along with my anti-depressant. Before I knew about the problems being anemic could cause, I chalked everything up to not getting enough "good" sleep at night. Increasing the Xanax just made everything worse. Now that I know what the problem is, I'm trying to wean myself off of the Xanax, and to put it in the simplest terms possible, it's hell. One Xanax is usually enough to make me pretty drowsy, but I wanted to get myself to a deep sleep and stay that way. So if one is good, I reasoned that two must be better. Well, I never claimed to be a genius. My prescription is for a maximum of three per day. So I wasn't going over that, but I wasn't doing myself any favors either by taking two at bedtime.
So, now I'm taking Melatonin again at bedtime and dealing with the massive anxiety attacks I'm having on a daily basis while trying to get off of the Xanax altogether. I'm not sure I can do it though. I'm only leaving the house when I absolutely have to because I have been having panic attacks (Sitting through Gaby's most recent cheer competition this past Sunday was sheer hell! I don't even take her to tumbling classes any more because of the stress that the fear of the social interactions causes me.) and nothing I'm doing to try and deal with the anxiety in a natural way, seems to be helping. Hence the reason I haven't been at the Y since becoming really sick.
Xanax has been a daily "Mother's little helper" in my life for the last year. Between that tiny white pill and my once daily Lexapro, I can get a handle on things and I'm better able to deal with the pressure that social situations place me under. Right now though? I kind of want to retreat into my hidey hole again. I don't socialize unless someone comes to me and initiates conversation. I don't return phone calls or emails. And I'm beginning to obsess over what everyone thinks about the "outer" me.
It's weird though because I'm not despondent nor am I worried about not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not having any really dark thoughts at this point. It's not the blackness this time. What it is, is the overwhelming anxiety. If I don't get it under control, it's going to lead me back down the path I don't want to travel again, under any circumstances.
For the most part I'm happy. I have to work at it, but overall, I'm happy. However, I can start to feel the tiny spider-leg like cracks that the anxiety causes, start to chip away at that happiness. I'm not sure I can manage without the Xanax. I used to think I couldn't live without Coca Cola and that if I didn't start my day with a glass of frosty cold, sugary goodness, I'd feel like crap. Obviously, I'm doing just fine without that stuff in my system.
But...
I don't know if I can do the same with the Xanax. I'm starting to worry that all these little hairline cracks are going to end up shattering me completely if I don't get the anxiety under control. And, I don't know if I can handle admitting that I might have a problem with prescription pills. This is the one thing I've never wanted to happen - to be so completely reliant on a medication that I have horrible issues when trying to get off of it.
