I Am NOT a Nice Person

According to Steven that is.

Who is "Steven" you ask?   Some dumbass nice fellow who was concerned about a fellow blogger (in response to a shot I took at said blogger) and decided to email me and take it upon himself to call me out on what a meanie I am.

Under normal circumstances I wouldn't share the contents of a personal email I received.  But not only did this make me laugh and laugh and laugh and then fall on the floor laughing some more, I just couldn't get over the fact that someone actually wasted time emailing me about it.  Come to think about it, I've gotten three really bizarre emails lately.  One was asking me for advice.  You're thinking, "You?"  Yeah my reaction was the same.  I was gobsmacked that someone would email a complete stranger and ask for advice of the lovelorn kind.  Beej keeps begging me to share it with you guys.  Oh and I did check the header info on all three emails...all from different ISP's in different parts of the country.  Wow, I'm suddenly attracting all kinds of animal life.

If the sender was genuinely serious about it, then I'd look like a huge jackass taking the micky out on him.  Besides, dude, if you're reading this, I haven't got a clue how you should tell your girlfriend she needs to trim her nose hair.  My creative side says that perhaps you could get your Martha on and put a little basket together for her which includes some stuff us girls love...smelly lotions and sprays (hey, some edible body lotion might be an idea!) and then tuck in a personal nose hair trimmer? If that doesn't work for you, I suppose you could always just grow a pair (and not get laid for the next decade) and tell her that her nose hair is beginning to resemble Tom Selleck's upper lip and she ought to consider pruning it back some.  No?  Well, sorry, that's all I've got. 

The other email was one asking me why (emphasis on the senders part, not mine) I'm a recluse.  If I told you why, I'd have to kill you.  Not only would that be horribly unpleasant, but messy.   Rest assured though, it does not have anything to do with a GPS tracking anklet issued by my local authorities like my darling emailer asked. 

Now about this other email, the one where I am told I am NOT a nice person.  Because it made me laugh, I have decided it warrants sharing with you m'dears.  I have left all the typos and misspellings as they were in the original.

From:  Steven C.
To:  iambarkingmad
Cc:
Subject: You Are NOT a Nice Person!

Dear Barking Bitch:

You are very mean talking smack. You must be some kind of jealous talking like that about Black Hockey Jesus.  You aren't even worth the crap he picks off the bottom of his shoes.  I bet his blog could kick your blogs azz any day!

He's better than Dooce and could kick her azz on the trampoline.  You are just healous. You are a mean lady.  He has more readers thatn you do and is way more popular than you are.  Stop drinking the haterade.  At least he doesn not post pictures of cute fluffy animals and stupid little kid pictures drinking milk.  He has substance and grit.   You will never be Black Hockey Jesus so stop being a poser.

Show some love and not so much hate.

Well now, where to begin?

I guess I ought to explain his reference to BHJ.  A while back I linked over to his site from Beej's I think, and I actually left him a compliment.  He made a remark about wanting what Dooce has and I told him he already had a leg up on her. He was original, blah blah blah.  I can't remember it all verbatim.  Go over and look for yourself if you are really that curious.  My point is, I was DEFINITELY nice to Mr. BHJ.  He's a square peg, fresh out of the oven so to speak - blogging less than six months if memory serves, and already made a name for himself in a world of vaginas.  No small feat.

Anyhow it kinda annoyed me that he didn't respond to the comment.  And I'm not talking about a reciprocal visit over here.  Hell, sometimes I don't even have time to hit the sites of those that leave me comments.  I try to either email them or respond within the comments of the post of mine they hit, if I've got it together that day.  But still...sheesh! 

I went back to his site and read a bit more.  Yeah, it did occur to me that he's trying desperately hard to get Dooce's attention.  Whatever.  Not really a huge concern of mine.  It also occurred to me that he's kind of a jerk.  Big deal. Whatever.  And he seems to feed on others calling him an asshole.  Yeah well bad publicity is better than no publicity.  So, in yesterday's post about my house being on fire I made reference to him taking THREE things (he played along over at MommyPie's too) out of the burning building and tossed in a snarky jab for the hell of it.  Never did I imagine that someone would take up the cause and come riding to his rescue like a knight in rusty armor riding in on a donkey! 

Dude, something tells me that BHJ can defend himself if he wanted to.  I mean with all that substance and grit (by the way BHJ, I hope you have a good toothbrush, I hear grit can be a bitch to get out from between your teeth) and those mad trampoline skillz, well who am I to argue with that?

And about his blog kicking my blog's ass (if you're going to spell it, could you at least spell it out rather than using some stupid MySpace colloquialism?).  Seriously,  BEST LINE I HAVE EVER HEARD!  You've got yourself some bumper sticker material right there! 

Why am I even giving this cretin the time of day?  Well, I'm doing what everyone tells me to do...I am responding to reader email!  Just doing it in a very public way.  Besides, when I started blogging four years ago, I never imagined I would have the opportunity to get into an bloggy brawl.  Fun times kiddies, fun times!

Steven, thank you, from the bottom of my cold black heart, thank you for pointing out what a meanie I am.  You have given me so much amusement this morning.  Now do yourself a favor and run along and wedge your nose back up between BHJ's butt crack where you seem to be most comfortable!

P.S. BHJ?  Amazingly beautiful post this morning. Brought a lump to my throat and a tear to my mean little eye.  And I'm not kissing ass - there's no room to do that anyhow, not with Steven's nose wedged so tightly up there!

Comments

[bejewell]

Steven's email is the stuff a Vagina Mommablogger's dreams are made of. I can only aspire to one day receive an email like this. What I wouldn't give to be a healous bitch like you!

Oh, and BHJ? Sounds like somebody's got a stalker...

[Auds]

Beej..."healous" is my new go-to word! I am going to use it all the time, whenever I can!

Oh and I am ALL OVER that "My blog can kick your blog's ass" bumper sticker idea! Except I'm going to at least spell it correctly.

Oh and just you wait my pretty, one day you will have a stalker to call your very own. They are always looking for a new home!

[Annonymous]

You have just started a blog war. Have fun getting dirty.

[Rachael]

What is an azz? Just saying... Although, I have to say that I loved 'Stop drinking the haterade'. I am so going to say that to someone. Today.

[Lisa]

When you get the hate mail, it means you are famous ;)
I had no idea blogs can kick butt---mine can't even walk, yet.

[Auds]

Rachael...how was your anniversaty getaway? hope you two had loads of fun. As far as Haterade, it's just so....I dont know. Something Perez Hilton would say I guess. *lol* It IS kinda funny though.

Lisa...So is this when my 15 minutes begins? *lol* And my blog doesn't have legs either, but I'm kinda serious about the bumper sticker. I wonder how much it would cost to have a couple hundred printed up! *lol*

[nik]

Because it totally makes sense to launch into someone via email, telling them how stupid they are, and then end it by saying "Show some love and not so much hate."

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHT?

[Auds]

Nik...have you ever noticed that's kind of the mob mentality? Especially when a pissing match begins. Someone ALWAYS has to call the other person out - and not in anice way mind you, throwing jabs and punches of their own, whilst trying to point out how hateful the original person was.

What really makes me laugh is that I wasn't hateful towards BHJ in the LEAST. But hey, who am I to argue with his man-fans?

[meg]

Thats really cute...
It's kind of like myspace with that dude.

[LifeatTheCircus]

I read on someone's blog somewhere when they were giving advice or tips or something on blogging... anyway, they said that when you get big in blogland you can expect to get negative comments. Guess, you've hit it big! :-)

[Drama Mama]

that is some good stuff now!

[Mamasphere]

Why can't the haters be more articulate? It would make such a big difference.

It seems that Steven just doesn't understand the art of witty snark (or snarky wit).

[AMomTwoBoys]

Well, I'm glad I responded to your comment!

And that was a beautiful post by BHJ. Not really what you expect from him, huh? :0)

[MommyTime]

Okay, that hateemail (pronounced like tasteefreeze) is the funniest thing I've ever read. You SCORE the best troll on the internet. Nicely done. (Also, I liked your fire post; my crazy MommyPie ESP one is going up Weds.)

[Auds]

MommyTime...*lol* Hateemail - sorta kinda rhymes with Haterade...which cracks me up. I'm going to have to keep a running lexicon of all these new words. Someday they are going to come in handy!

Oh and as far as scoring some wicked good trolls...geez, I think I'd be happier if Bossy would drop by again. Why can't I score visits from her rather than all of this bizarre email? Her one visit left me wanting more!

Oh well, if I must attract the trolls them I must build my arsenal of witty/biting/acidic repetoire and snarkiness (thanks Mamasphere!) and have them at the ready.

AMomTwoBoys....awww Meghan, I hope I didn't make you feel like you HAD to leave a comment. BHJ just brings out the worst in me. Just the same though, I'm really flattered you came by!

Mamasphere...I don't know why they can't be more articulate. I don't think the universe would allow. Haters are their own special breed of stupid. Ya know?

Drama Mama...yep it was kinda fun. But I'm tellin' ya, if I get myself many more man-fans coming to the rescue of whomever they are stalking, or many more strange emails asking for advice, I might just have to start another blog - just for them!

Life...so crazy emails from people who can't spell and can't see the irony in their own [hateful] words means I've made it big? Well slap my bum and call me shocked! Who would have thought that was all it took?

[McMommy]

AZZ??? He really spelled it that way?!? AZZ?

[Alias Liz Jones]

Auds, that's a bit disturbing, but at least you got asked some advice on the upside. No one seems to want mine lately, although I probably wouldn't want to dispense that kind of particular advice that it seems that you were asked. Here's to better email days. xx

[Jen]

I keep waiting to get my first piece of hatemail. I know it's coming and I'm sure it will be something about Ryan and from some maniac fan (more so than me) that actually thinks that I think I really have a chance with him. For the record, I don't think that at all. Most of the time.

[Karly]

I totally wish someone would comment on my blog and tell me to "stop drinking the Haterade." That has got to be the BEST line ever.

[carol]

The Haterade comment was pure writing genius.

I SO hope the drama continues because frankly I could read this guys emails all day long. He is a mis-spelling genius!

[pajama momma]

Egad! I'm relatively new to blogging and just had no idea how big this stuff can get. I'd never heard of Dooce or Pioneer Woman till I "met" mommypie.

All that guy's email does is bring me straight back to high school. I hated high school because of the drama.

At least with the net with have the delete button you know? It's a shame we didn't have the delete button in high school. I can just picture now all the cheerleaders I'd have deleted. delete, delete, delete

[that girl]

HEY! Maybe pfile (Steven) is really stalking BHJ instead of the little kids?

[Monkeytoemomma]

LOL - I love it!
My 12 year old calls me a "meanie" too. :)