How convenient is this? I get my "has her first guest poster EVER" cherry popped by none other than the Fucking Awesome Bejewell (now ya'll just knew I could not talk about her without dropping at least ONE F-bomb! Just wouldn't be normal) and I get to pop her "first time EVER being a guest poster" cherry.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I am just overcome with giddyness that my parents are here! In my house! The house I live in! They are SLEEPING DOWNSTAIRS, right this very minute. Actually, when you are reading this, my mommily will probably be sitting at the breakfast table, with her eyes rolled back into her head and in utter shock at all the times I have referenced cherries being popped over the last three days. And my dad? He'll just sit there and laugh...kinda like he did when Meg and I were talking about things that really were better off not being talked about at the dinner table. I am however, so glad they are here and not shakin' and bakin' out in So Cal, where they hail from. Thankfully all is well at home, no damage from this afternoons tumbler, and my younger sibs are taking care of everything back at the ranch.
Enough with the talk. I'm going to go back to my little holiday with the family and you're going read this most fabulous post from the most FAB, Beej!
I’m a Guest Posting Virgin
So a couple of weeks ago, Auds asked me to guest post for her here at Barking Mad while her mommily and daddy are in town, and I was all like, “Hell yeah!” but then I realized that I’ve never actually guest posted for anyone and really have no idea what I should talk about or what I’m doing in general (which is not exactly a new feeling for me). And normally I’m a totally offensive and obnoxious blog poster, which is fine on my own blog (because I’m not sure, but I suspect that many of my readers are already closet social deviants like myself), but just a *little* different when you are actually a GUEST on someone else’s blog.
And I’m even more intimidated by the fact that probably most of Auds’ readers are very nice people -- I mean, after all, Auds is herself a very nice person, even though she says she’s not (and there was that whole laughing-in-the-face-of-psycho-emailer-and-Black-Hockey-Jesus-stalker-Steven incident, which was AWESOME). So if I’m rude and obnoxious like I usually am, they might all hate me, and start some kind of blogosphere movement against me or something, and even Auds herself might be like “WTF? What is WRONG with you, you freak?” and I would feel sorry and sad (but also probably a little juiced that I got everybody’s attention, if I’m being honest).
And as if I wasn’t freaked out enough, I asked her if I could curse and she answered me with only a very curt “Yes,” which I keep thinking about because Auds is usually a very talkative person (or whatever the electronic equivalent of talking is) and I don’t think she’s ever answered one of my questions with just a one-word answer. So that makes me think that maybe she just said “Yes” to be nice, but her “Yes” really meant “No,” and I don’t know what the fuck to do now.
Basically, I’m like some geeky guy who got invited to a frat party by mistake, and this super-hot chick got wasted on Jell-O shots and now she’s hanging all over me and whispering dirty things in my ear, and I totally want to take her back to my place but do I really want to take advantage of the situation? Okay, I totally DO want to take advantage of the situation, but do I want to deal with the rejection in the morning when she wakes up back in my dorm room and takes one look at me and my messy room with the Darth Vader poster and is all “Ewww… ummm…. Gotta go” and doesn’t offer me her number or even ask for mine before she embarks upon the Walk of Shame with her smeared mascara and panties wadded up in her purse?
(Not that I’ve ever done that.)
(Also, I think I just compared myself to a reluctant, very inept date rapist. I’m not really sure how that happened.)
So anyway, now I’m sitting at my laptop with absolutely NO IDEA what to do and I’m all freaked out and apprehensive, thinking Auds is going to fucking KILL me when she reads this and she will never speak to me again. And she’ll tell all of her blogging buddies (and she’s got A LOT of them, way more than me) what I did and they’ll all be like, “That stupid BITCH! We HATE her now!“ and start ignoring me, or worse, making fun of me behind my back but where I can still hear them, like something out of Heathers. And I’ll feel humiliated and awful (but also a little charged because there’s no such thing as bad press).
I think now might be a good time to mention that I’m on medication.
Maybe what I should do now is just focus on the positives. People love a good, positive post. (Or so I’m told.) Okay, I can totally do that. Hmmm. Let’s see. The positives, the positives. What are they? I know I can come up with at least five. I KNOW I can! C’mon, Beej… THINK POSITIVE! Okay, here goes.
Positive #1: At some point, Auds liked me enough to ask me to guest post for her.
Positive #2: Have you SEEN the other people who are guest posting for her? I SO do not belong in this company.
Positive #3: I am not at the gym right now.
Positive #4: The medication is making me fuzzy. And I mean that in the best possible way.
Positive #5: It will all be over soon.
Well, I guess that’s about the best I can do with the positives. Which means I’m pretty much through with this guest post! Yay, me! I’m no longer a virgin! My guest posting cherry has been popped!
Auds, I just want you to know that, whatever you think of me in the morning, I’m glad you were my first.
(My apologies to anyone who has read this post and feels that I did not live up to their expectations. But if you will visit my blog you will quickly find that your expectations were completely unrealistic.)