Are you sick of hearing me complain yet?
I would be if I were you.
The thing is...I don't know where else to put this stuff. I need to get it out of my head.
Meg and I had a major meltdown tonight. She feels like I am detaching from the entire world and shutting her out, right as she is about to leave for college. Eleven days left until this beautiful creature that both exasperates me and makes me incredibly proud, sets off on the adventure of her life, so far. But yet, rather than being excited, she is upset. She wants to make everything that's wrong with me better and feels like she can't do that because I'm pushing her away. She wants to seriously hurt the people behind all this, but she knows better. She's angry that all of this is disrupting her life. I get that. I'm angry too.
Meg wants the mom back who was the mom, the one all of her friends came to when they needed to talk, the one who suggested crazy things to keep them all out of trouble. She wants the outgoing mom back, the one who used to take late night drives out to the beach with her and walk along the shore in her bare feet when it was all of 32F outside, and marvel at the silvery reflection that the moon cast on the water. She wants the mom back who would open the windows during gale force winds and blast Midnight Syndicate through the stereo system.
She wants the mom back who would make the decadent chocolate brownies for her and her friends at 3AM and sit around with them and talk about her own crazy youth and the stupid things she did once she got her shot at a professional radio DJ gig. She wants the mom back who would curl up with her and watch The Exorcist late into the night and then tell her ghost stories about haunted New England homes afterward. She wants the mom back who wasn't afraid to dream and dream big and encourage her children to do the same.
Simply put, she needs her mom right now. Just like she needed me all those years ago, and I wasn't there physically, and now I'm not here mentally. A nasty divorce tore her world apart when she was five, and now, because her mom can't see beyond the cruel and hurtful actions of others, her life is once again being torn asunder.
A stronger person would put this all behind them and move on. I am not a stronger person right now. I don't know how to be, and as a result I am failing my children and probably failing my husband as well.
A stronger person would not let the odious words of an Internet troll hurt her like so many slaps. But they do hurt me and I have taken them to heart.
A stronger person would step up, take the lead and be the mom Meg wants and needs.
Meg, I know that Sweeney Todd is only going to give me a tool that is going to help me get back to being that stronger person, that woman you used to look up to, that used to think herself worthwhile. Please know that I want to dig that other woman out of the hole she's in and once again be your biggest cheerleader. I'm sorry this entire shitfest that the last seven months have been, has taken away anything that is rightfully yours.
You and I, gorgeous girl, we are so much alike (DDG says we are identical, well except the part about you being young, thin and beautiful and me being old, fat and not beautiful) that it's like watching two people in a mirror and I hate that you have to see me handle a crisis like this, the way I am. You deserve so much more. You are right, I do need to get good and angry. Maybe that's where I can take a lesson from you?
Just know, that right now, in this place and time, I look up to you and admire you for everything you've overcome. And if you can get through the last eleven years and come out as stunning and brilliant as you are, then I can work harder towards pulling my own head out of my ass and getting through this.
You're my hero kiddo and I love you...so very much.
