...that this post almost didn't get written.
So, yeah, I'm sitting here thinking about how interesting all of the entries into the Extreme Twilight Contest have been so far, and among other things, pretty tame. But, hey, that's cool. There were no guidelines. I figured we'd learn a few cool things about one another, or maybe something funny, or hell, even the possible admission that you once ate a booger...when you were 8 and away at summer camp. But now that I think about it, if you did eat a booger, maybe we don't really want to know. Urrrrrrp.
I have wanted to write about this for a long time but just didn't know how to find the words to make it sound like what I did wasn't so...wrong. I know, after reading this, there may be some very shocked faces out there asking why I'd want to admit to something like this? I want to purge it out of my system I suppose. Not only do I want the cathartic experience of finally admitting that I did something this monumentally dumb, selfish and potentially destructive, but I want this out there for my children, especially my daughters, to see. I want them to understand enough about why, even when I was presented with the cold hard truth of the situation I got myself in, that due to my lack of self esteem, and being willing to just "settle", that it wasn't OK...it's never OK. I was worth more...something better, and dammit, so are they!
To make a long story short, I was involved in a long term relationship with a married man. OK, let's call it what it was...an affair. I'm not going to name names, or get specific, but go into enough detail that you get the picture. Oh and I'm almost positive he reads this. He hates bloggers; "mommy bloggers" in particular. He considers himself a true writer and I'm sure his intense hatred (and no, I do not use that word lightly...he hates me) of me contributes to his attitude towards bloggers in general. I get the distinct impression that he thinks bloggers are the filth at the bottom of the "writing cesspool."
Incredibly enough, for the first two years that we "dated" I had no clue he was married. None. As it turns out, I was bouncing all over the west coast, then Texas, and finally Ohio (where he happened to be), so it made for an ideal situation where he could cover up the fact that he was not divorced, as he'd claimed he was, but yet still fully married to, and living with his wife. At the time we met he told me that he'd recently divorced and moved in with his aging parents to help them out. He had a young daughter and split custody with his former spouse.
He'd fly back and forth from the midwest to see me and at one point, when I was on the air in Houston, we both flew into L.A. in order for me to introduce him to my folks and the rest of my family. There were no evident signs that he was lying to me this entire time. Nothing. He didn't hide anything. Frequently I'd even speak to his secretary and she had to know that I was more than just a casual acquaintance. Even when I eventually relocated to another radio station in Ohio and we'd go out for dinner and a movie, or to local sporting events, we ran into people that knew both of us (more often than not, it was people who knew him, due to his line of work), and they'd come up and say hello -- often as we'd sit canoodling romantically, or holding hands, or in some other physical display of romantic involvement. I'd even spoken with his daughter several times...he never failed to mention how excited he was to have her meet me; something I assumed would happen shortly after I moved to Ohio.
I never once questioned things the first two years...but yet, something made me stop and ask myself if everything was really as he stated it was. At the time we started dating he was the Executive Editor of a popular magazine in the midwest and I of course subscribed. I looked forward to getting my monthly copy and would often curl up with a hot cup of coffee, my cat, and a thick down comforter and spend the morning reading. As I sat one warm spring morning reading the latest issue, I happened to come across a piece he himself had contributed. In it he talked about the stress of "living with three women" as it related to hormones and attitudes and some of the emotionally tense situations that can erupt from that sort of situation.
That was the only initial warning bell that went off. I was upset and no sooner had I read that sentence then I was on the phone asking him what he meant by it. It's been more than ten years since that phone call took place, but whatever he said managed to quell the storm that was brewing inside.
At several points those first two years, we did talk marriage. I didn't know where my career in radio and voice work was taking me, but I knew that eventually I wanted to settle down and reintigrate my own children into the relationship and establish "roots." We often talked about buying a home with several acres and having a garden, pets and the white picket fence. So, imagine my elation when I got word that an on-air position had opened up at a station in Ohio, not only allowing me to get the hell out of Houston (I really had a miserable time down there. No slight against Texas or it's beautiful residents, but the weather and in particular, the insects and I, did not get along!), and be closer to him. I was ecstatic and so was he.
Life in Ohio was chaotic and busy, but lovely, for the first few months. Even though I wasn't on the air full time, I was able to pick up another side position working for an online information and data provider. I trained their HR clients how to use to the software and search the databases when prescreening potential new hires. Several of the databases included online records from national and local courts. I don't know what prompted it...I've been told that I had to have had some inner niggling doubts about this man I was becoming more seriously involved with, or I never would have started searching the public records of the local county courthouses for his divorce records.
Long story short; I couldn't find them. I spent hours upon hours searching and using every possible combination of names and wildcards. I called him and said that I'd been doing an online demo of the software and was using his name and oddly enough, couldn't find anything in the county that he said he'd lived in his entire life. He made some stupid excuse and told me that his divorce actually occured in a neighbouring county and asked me very nicely to not use him when performing searches or doing demos. Fair enough. But ya know...something inside just clicked open and I couldn't let it go.
I started to question the fact that I'd never met his daughter, even after being in Ohio for some time. Oh sure, he had valid excuses, but when I couldn't find any divorce records, I started questioning everything about our relationship. Then I went back to that magazine article...the one where he talked about the stress of "living with three females." According to him, all the years we'd been together, he lived with his "aging parents" and had his daughter half the time. I think at the time I asked him about the article, he'd told me that his sister was at the house so often that it seemed like he was indeed, living with three women. Dumb, naive, me. I bought it.
I went back to the databases and searched using his wife's name (he'd mention her from time to time, bitching about this, that or something else) and that's when I saw the property deeds that had recently been filed with the county recorder, dating back less than 2 months. He and his wife had just taken a 2nd out on the home they were living in. Together. Further to that, there were no divorce records anywhere in any public database in Ohio.
I was hurt. I was crushed. Devastated. Beyond that I was livid. I sent him a scathing email and he replied that he was indeed still married but they planned on divorcing once his daughter was out of school and in college...another 3 years down the line. I was completely blindsided by all of this.
We didn't talk for several months after that. Not until one night, whilst I was on the air, the phone rang. It was the back line into the studio that's usually only used when the Program Director wants to call and bitch at you about something you did on air, or when you have someone calling in for a phone interview. I had given him the number to call on the occasions he'd stop by to keep me company when I was on the air or pulling late shifts in the production studios. I picked up the phone and it was him.
His voice cracked as he said, "Hi. I miss you. I'm sorry. I just miss you so much. I'm going to move out. I can't live like this."
By that point my anger had subsided and I had even begun dating someone, but that wasn't enough to keep me from sinking back into the comfortable sea of deception and allow myself to once again be enveloped in his empty promises and lulled into a false sense of security by his words of contrition and pleas for forgiveness.
For a little while I drifted into something that was like a morphine-numbness of denial about who he really was and who I was for being taken back in. I lied to myself. I told myself I could be happy...happy waiting for a divorce that was just right around the corner...happy waiting for that house with the picket fence and the beautiful garden. However, deep inside, I think I knew. I think that my own reluctance to admit that I was worth something better kept me from seeing the relationship for what it really was...lies, deception and veiled hints that things were not as they appeared.
Once again, I got tired of waiting and ended it with him. Eventually the man that I had been dating in those months during my initial split from him, asked me to marry him. So I did. Frying pan, meet fire. It was another epic failure, but a learning experience nonetheless.
In between then and now I managed to make it patently clear to him, the one who still remained married despite all his begging and pleading, the one who still couldn't tell me the truth if it were on a teleprompter in front of him, got the message that we were well and truly over. It was a very ugly end to a what was, looking back, an ugly relationship. It dawned on me that he wasn't the only "ugly" partner in this relationship, especially since I went back to him, knowing he was married. What kind of person does that?
It would have been easy to just fall back into the same old pattern with him seeing as how this new marriage was a mistake from the moment the judge signed the license. We would occasionally talk and I'd feel myself falling...falling for the lies once again. But then that old spark of anger would flare up and I'd tell him to go to hell, don't call, don't email, don't even think about me. Sadly, that back and forth happened more than once.
Eventually and finally I came to the realization that I was worth more than that and deserved honesty, trust and integrity in a relationship and promised myself I wouldn't ever again settle for anything less than that.
It took me time and a lot of work. I had to force myself to look deep inside and convince myself that despite the pretty words he'd use, they were empty. Shells of promises and dreams that would never ever come true. But I steered clear of him and after a final volley of angry words and idle threats, it was blessedly over. Once and for all, ended.
I never looked back.
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So, there ya have it m'dears. My torrid, juicy little secret. Can I just say, I don't care how absurd it might seem, making this kind of public admission on a "mommy blog" but I feel so much better. Somehow lighter. I guess this is, after all, my blog...so I should be able to admit any damn thing I want, shouldn't I?
On that note, I'm going to bed.
