Once upon a time in a little northeastern New England state there lived an obstreperous 19 year old named Megawatt. She lived with her mother, step-father, a tiny innocent little sister and four cats. They all lived quite happily until one day Megawatt did the unthinkable and brought home something with a tail. Not just any tail mind you.
Had it been a nice fluffy tail attached to a purrfect little kitty cat, her mother might not have had a heartastroke.
Had it been a furry, huge tail attached to behemoth of a Newfie, her mother might not now be drooling all over herself and muttering, "Get it off me, please just get it off me!"
Had it been a smooth velvety tail attached to the latest Gund stuffed animal, her mother might not now need Xanax by the bucketfull and be humming the tune, "Ben."
Warning, this video borders on eRATica!
Did you watch the video and get a tiny taste of what I'm talking about? No? Here then, let me help you out with a little visual aid!
I walked into the front room, plopped down on the sofa and before me, on my lovely coffee table, just to the left of my magazine from Cape Cod, is a tail...a tail belonging to an evil denizen of HELL!
What was that I heard from way back in the peanut gallery? "Oh what a cute little mouse tail!"
Have you lost your bloody mind? That's not a mouse tail! That tail belongs to nothing that could even remotely be called "cute."
That tail belongs to this...
Oh and for my luvlies out there that think I needed to turn the "red eye" detect on? It was on. The evil rat's eyes were actually that awful colour! Do you need any other sign that this vermin belongs in hell?
It appears my oldest daughter has a death-wish of sorts. You all remember her lovely little gift to me last summer don't you? Here, scroll to the bottom of this post for a refresher.
Here we have the nasty little gutter dweller crawling on Megawatt, whilst I sat on the sofa with my knees curled under me, drooling on my camera...
That filthy, dirty creature looks like it's trying to find something to nurse on! EVIL!
With a smile on her face and a sinister wink of her eye, Megawatt told me that she'd even gotten a "toy" for her "Dumbo Rat" whom she had named, "Nifty." Personally, I didn't find anything "nifty" about the rat, or the toy. But alas m'dears, Geronimo and Godiva did!
Geronimo and Godiva think that Nifty is...well, pretty damned nifty!
Griffy decides to see what all the commotion is about...
Despite my better judgment, I had been standing there snapping away with the camera, (somehow, with the camera between me and the rat, I felt safer!) when Megawatt did the unthinkable. She introduced Nifty to the Little Imp. Before I could launch myself forward and throw my camera at Megawatt and the rat, this happened...
My freshly bathed, sweet smelling, innocent little 3 year old bent down and KISSED THAT EVIL RAT! Oh yes she did! I immediately washed her face and scrubbed her lips all the while the Little Imp is asking me if she can sleep with Nifty.
Once I'd washed down two baby aspirin with a huge Coke, and given Megawatt a look that would have sent the saltiest of sailors running for their lives; the hubby and I put the Little Imp down for the night. After she was tucked into her nice comfy bed with admonitions that there would be no pet rats for her, or anyone here at the asylum (Yes, I do know that rats and asylums tend to go hand in hand, but alas, that's only where Bela Lugosi and Bram Stoker are concerned!), I went into my bedroom and started plotting my oldest daughter's demise.
If you happen to see a milk carton with Megawatt's likeness on it, just keep on walkin' by!
I'll be here at home, safe in the knowledge that four cats I know are enjoying a nice appetizer of rat tartare.
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I thought about combining my kick-ass Keurig (the Platinum Brewing System with a 3-month supply of K-cups and a $50 VISA gift card) giveaway with a rat giveaway, but I love you, my darling readers, far too much to put you through that. Be sure and come back tomorrow afternoon for details on how you can enter to win this awesome coffee maker.
Until then, I'm going to load up the shotgun (or perhaps I should load the Bazooka...I want to make sure I kill the rat should it get into our bedroom.), take another Xanax and try not to have nightmares of rats...
