Are You a Mother or a Wife, First?

Earlier this evening I was lollygagging out on Facebook and for some reason my "blurb" (the tiny little section to the left, on your profile where you can write something profound or pathetic about yourself.), caught my attention and I read it over to myself several times...

"I'm a wife, mom, writer, photographer and former Clear Channel DJ and voice-over talent, with a penchant for vampires and the ocean. I'll think of something else witty/clever/brilliant to say later...oh yeah, I'm also a procrastinator!"

I started to think about why I always say that I am a wife first, before mother.  Always. 

Now, try to follow along with me here.  I'm not absolutely positive I'm going to word this the right way. 

Maybe it goes back to the traditional ways of building a family; you get married, have kids, grow old and sit on your front porch swing, drinking reduced sugar/acid lemonade,  and hold hands as you stare together, off into the sunset.   So, traditionally speaking, you are a wife first, then a mother.   But even if you marry before having kids, something about placing your status as wife over that of mother just seemed a bit off to me.

Looking at that last paragraph, I can see how one might begin to infer that I might be trying to say that I love my children more than my husband.   I've seen this debated over and over, especially in the blogosphere and it always tends to inflame tempers and start these huge debates.  I don't think that's where I'm going with this. 

What I think I'm trying to say is that in today's society it's easy to throw away a spouse that you're no longer fond of, have grown tired of communicating with, or feel that you two have grown apart.  It seems easier to cut all marital ties than to stay together and try and reconnect your original bonds. You can change your status as wife any time you want.  It's as easy as taking out a loan on a car...well given today's economic climate, probably easier.  So, whereas once you were a wife, you are now single.    You might not always be a wife, but once you've had children, you will always be a mother. 

I have divorced two husbands in my life, yet I've always remained a mother.  I will always be a mother.  Death, divorce, anger...none of those things change that fact.  Regardless of whether you give your child up at birth, walk away from him in a divorce, or write him off after he's sentenced to life in prison, you are still a mother.  You can't change that.

Maybe I am saying that I think the status of mother should be elevated over that of wife?  Or does that rock the boat a little too much?  I can hear the shocked gasps from here;  "Oh my God, she places her children above her marriage!"  Or, "Well, you can guarantee who rules the roost in that home and it sure as hell isn't her or her husband...it's her kids!"  That's not the case in our family, not even close.  I think Megawatt could probably tell you that the hubby and I present a united front when it comes to being the people in charge around here and our kids don't tend to question or challenge it.

I am so proud to be the wife of such a wonderful, caring, compassionate and loving husband.  Don't let the topic of this post be the cause for you to have any reservations about that.  Having said that though, I still wonder whether I am a wife first, or a mother?  There seems to be so much more that goes into motherhood than being a wife. 

In the end, it's our actions as mothers (and father's too. I'm not trying to downplay the role of fathers with this post.) that determine what kind of adults our children will be.  They are the end result of all the years of total and complete happiness, utter frustration, unending joy, painful heartbreak and more love than any of us have words to capture.

As I have read and then re-read this post, prior to publishing, I almost am of the opinion that this question could be as circuitous as the old "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" question. Also, some small part of this entire scenario goes back to the traditional roles of marriage first, and then children.  However, fewer and fewer of today's families are the "nuclear families" of the Ward and June Cleaver era.   It's no longer frowned upon to put the baby carriage before the wedding ring, and in a lot more cases, there isn't even a partner, be it male or female, there to begin with.  Women no longer need to procreate with a physical partner.  Although, let's not go down that road as it tends to be filled with the potholes and frost heaves of heated debate and ethical argument. 

Does any of this make sense?   I'd really love to know how you think of yourself...for the mother's reading this (OK and you father's too, as I suppose it applies equally), are you a wife first, or does your motherhood take precedence over your role as a wife? 

If you are married with kids, how do you describe yourself in the "blurbs" of your life?

Comments

[Headless Mom]

I totally get what you are saying.

I'm a wife first. At least in my head. The bible tells us that is how it should be. Our children will leave our homes someday and, God willing, our husbands will still be there. That is primary behind a relationship with Jesus.

That being said, my focus while my children are still in the home is raising them to eventually become productive, Jesus loving members of society. Their care is a huge priority; it has to be.

Both roles are important, but very different. My husband is my partner, my friend, and my lover. My children do not fill any of those roles.

[WaltzInExile]

Okay, I'm no linguistics major, so forgive my lack of correct technical terms here. Let me start by saying that I very rarely refer to myself as "wife" OR "mother." I prefer to say "I'm married" and "I have children." No, I don't know why; maybe I'll ask my shrink.
That said, "wife and mother" is pretty common phrasing. And likely BECAUSE of the traditional path you mentioned: women were expected to become "wife" before they became "mother." So "wife and mother" has a cadence that people are used to. I'm not sure that anyone intended for the phrasing to be connote one role as more important or primary to the woman (although it wouldn't be the first time that repeated use of language led to internalized beliefs or perceptions about reality, right?)
Finally, I personally don't think of myself as a combination of the roles I have. (This may explain why I have so much trouble thinking of myself as a grown up. Probably ought to mention that to the shrink, too.) To me, I'm just...me. (I have been trying to think of another way to write that for 10 minutes because I know it's not grammatically correct but I just can't come up with anything else. Sigh.) I think part of that may be due to the fact that titles don't mean nearly as much to me as actions and behaviors.
Wow. This was longer than I meant it to be, and I don't know if it made any sense to anyone else at all. But thanks for giving me something to think about and letting me say it.

[Auds]

Headless - I understand where you're coming from and why which role takes priority. I'm really glad you chimed in because I wanted some thoughtful consideration and I'm so glad you've provided that.

Mrs. Waltz - I think you're right about the phrasing and cadence and perhaps that's why it is the way it is.

After reading your comment though, Mrs. Waltz, I'm even more tempted to continue this post because it brought up something else I've been thinking about which is entirely connected to this entire train of thought and that's the whole "Are you JUST a wife and mother" or do you define yourself in other ways as well. I've been thinking about that a lot lately as it relates to how I see my own mother and how my children see me.

Perhaps it has more to do with my own inner demons and shortcomings, but sometimes I wonder if we, as women and mothers, don't sell ourselves short by simply defining ourselves as solely wives and mothers.

Did that make sense?

Auds

[Vic]

I'd never thought of it like that before. I'm another one who is more likely to say that I'm married and I've got kids. I think that the roles of wife and mother are so separate, yet so similar, that it probably doesn't matter which you use first. The important thing is that if you are, you use them.

[melissa]

I am a mother first. I'm not proud of that. My husband often gets left behind or even left out of my life because i'm so busy with the kids. It seems like I only go to him to boost me up. And he always does. How long can he live like this? What will he do? Will we end up divorced? Will we end up living together as two strangers? What will happen when the kids grow up and leave?
Thanks for making me think this morning. I think...:)

[Madge]

This probably sounds selfish, but lately I've been trying to figure out where the just me fits into wife and mother. I think this is because it's summer, the kids are home, and my husband just got layed off and THEY ARE HERE ALL THE TIME. I work at home, so I'm juggling the entire family in the house and my job and I'm feeling a bit like I got lost. Oh, this wasn't just about me?

I probably am a mother first. Before wife. They are young and helpless and dependent on me. The husband is just helpless and dependent on me. ha. just. kidding.

[KimberlyDi]

I think you are comparing apples to oranges. A marriage is a partnership. One that can be mutually beneficial or one that can be dissolved.

Kids are different. There's a blood bond. While you will always be a mother, your motherly responsibilities last around 20 years. The majority of the responsibilities anyways until they can support themselves.

You are both a wife and mother and both are important. Making a marriage work can be beneficial to your children.

[Daryl]

Looking forward to meeting whichever of you makes it to Blogfest ..

[Asthmagirl]

Honestly, I don't worry about it. The wife and mother labels are just part of what defines the "whole". I'm Diane. Part mom, part wife, part asthmagirl, part employee, part photographer, part puppy cuddler, part blogger.... there's 100 ways to define "me" and they're the same as and yet *more than a role* that I assume for each relationship.
On any given day my roles could shift and I would be more wife than mother, more photographer than puppy cuddler, more this, less that. Doesn't matter.
As long as I'm happy with all the definitions that make up the "whole" (and it sounds like you are) then it doesn't matter how other people define me on any given day or what labels are used.
See you in Virginia! You can be a "Blogfest Guest"!

[Ramona]

I'm sorry I can't give you an answer. I'm not a mother. So I generally refer to myself as "the evil stepmother". But hubby has good enough sense to know that the fur babies are my kids.

[Auds]

Asthmagirl - I am indeed happy (most days anyhow...I think) with all the definitions that make up the whole.

Daryl - it will be the slightly paranoid, trying to fake self-confidence, tired of driving and being on the road-self that shows up. Put a drink in my hand and we'll see who shows up next! Looking forward to meeting you!

Kimberly - It's all about perspective I think, more than a comparison of apples to oranges. I think I was just looking at what role we see ourselves in first, vs. what we say. You're right about a marriage being beneficial to our children, but again, today that's seen more as a "traditional choice" rather than a must have...although I will say that I agree with you. And now I bet I'm gonna get flamed for saying that. Let's see how long that takes.

Madge - I think a lot of what you said, you'd find to have others agree and commiserate with, especially during the dog days of summer, or when we, as wives and mothers, tend to get caught up in those parts of our lives and they take priority over any and everything else. Sometimes though, those lines DO get blurred. We forget we used to be "Me" before we were "we" and "us." Finding "me" again can be hard because of the guilt that comes with the desire to do that.

Melissa - I understand where you are coming from because right now you are more mother than anything else, especially because you have become the care-taker to your own ailing parent. You are a "mom" on a level a lot of us can't even comprehend at this point. I think, as long as you and your hubby communicate, you'll keep from tipping the raft over, so-to-speak. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. But then, you already knew that!

Vic - very well said. I think we all know someone who might be both, but never bothers to use them.

[Auds]

Ramona - I didn't see your comment come in before I started to reply to the others. I think there's still room to question the definitions we give ourselves and the totality of the precedence they take in our lives, even if we don't have children.

[Jess]

Huh, I've never really thought about it. I went back and looked at my information on my blog and my Facebook, and I list mother first. That doesn't mean my husband and I don't get along or hate each other. When my son acts up, neither of us take his side against the other. We've been married for almost five years now, and while we have our moments, I've never thought of leaving him, nor him me. We're in this marriage for life, although I did tell him that if he ever cheated on me, I'd cut his balls off. :D

On a more serious note, your paragraph about today's society and how easy it is to be rid of a spouse really hit me hard. After almost thirty years of marriage, my dad left my mom this week. I can't really say much about it because I'm still in shock, but I do feel hurt. I can only imagine how my mom feels. It is like he abandoned us all (my mom, my sister, myself, and the family dog), even though I live two thousand miles away, and it really has no effect on my day to day life.

[Auds]

Jess - There's no wrong or right answer. I was just looking at what role, if either, take priority and whether one should, or not, over the other. Wow, that sentence was kinda messed up.

On a personal note, of course the divorce of your parents, your entire family unit, is going to have an affect on you whether you are 2000 miles away or 2. I would be absolutely crushed were I in your shoes. I'm sure you are going to go through myriad more feelings before you've sorted it all out. I'm so very sorry for your loss...and yes, it IS a loss. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. *hugs*

[Stacy]

Good question. Is there any right or wrong answer? I guess it depends upon who you ask. Also the emotional baggage that particular person carries around with them perhaps. As for me, and my "baggage"... I love my husband and value our marriage. That being said however, I would be fibbing if I said we didn't put our children first.

[Rosie]

One has to be a mother first because for all one's offspring you are the only 'real' mother they will ever have, As you yourself state the rest is replaceable. The other roles we adopt in life need to be balanced with the number one priority the secret perhaps of a good marriage is never to let the other half realise that they aren't the number one priority. Of course the other interesting fact to this is the roles we no longer list i.e. sister, daughter, friend .......

[Suzy Voices]

Like you, Auds, I've divorced two men. So I think it's kind of natural for me to be a mother first. Nothing against my husband AT ALL, but their needs come first. God, which sounds so terrible! Maybe it's because of the period of time when I had only my kids and no husband. They were the center of my life, and still are. BUt hubby and I get our down time without the kids when they're with their father, so I think it ends up as a wash. Man, that was wishy-washy.

[KD]

I am most definitely a wife, then a mother. By doing that I am keeping the commitment not only to my husband and myself to keep our relationship health but also as a unit we are fulfilling the commitment we made to our children, by showing them how important we are to each other, which in turn makes us both stronger in our relationship and better parents. Hope that makes sense.

I think no matter what the relationship, if there are children involved it is important that you and your partner have a solid, united front in which to raise your children. They learn how adult relationships work by watching their parents. If you can't be a good wife/lover/partner how are they going to learn what it is all about?

[KD]

Oh I want to add though, if there were a fire and I could get my children or my husband, I would get my children. Ultimately I am bound to protect and care for them and I wouldn't have to think twice.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

Sadly, I know too well of a situation where "mother" wasn't mother for life. But, I realize this is a rare occurrence.

Maybe it has to do with our lifestyle (we homeschool and my kids are young, aka needy), but I think of myself as a mother first. But, as I can't imagine not having my kids in my life child, I also can't imagine my husband not being part of my life. But his needs are so much more manageable to me so I feel like my role as "wife" isn't as all-encompassing as mother.

[Marinka]

I consider myself a mother first. Although I'm definitely committed to my husband, I don't think that my role as a wife is as important as my role as a mother. I mean, if we just lived together without a marriage certificate, I would still be committed to him.
Being a mom is just so much more overwhelming than anything I've ever experienced, it absolutely trumps everything else.

[the planet of janet]

i am responding without reading everyone else's comments.

my reality? because i am remarried and my husband is not the bio dad of any of my kids, i actually consider myself a mom first. that is a longstanding habit developed after 2 failed marriages and a bunch of single-parenting years.

a habit that will remain until my baby (15!! not a baby anymore!) gets out of high school.

however, as my kids grow up and fly from the nest, i find that i do sometimes want and need to be wife before mother.

and that's ok with me.

[Rachael]

You know, I always put wife first too. I think that it's partly because I was a wife before I was a mother. I think it's partly because in order to be the best mother possible, I have to be a good and happy wife. If my husband and I aren't happy it affects our whole household. Maybe it's partly because I CHOOSE to be a wife every minute of my marriage, whereas once I had a child (which I did choose) there was no longer a choice - you are always a mother every second of every day forever. I dunno. But I love both the jobs, and I look forward to my next adventure as each!

[bejewell]

I read a debate about this, or something close to this, not that long ago. it centered around an article written by a woman who said she loved her husband more than she loved her kids. Her argument was about CHOICE, that she chooses to be with her husband but her kids are not a choice, or something. And a bunch of women got their panties in a twist about it, and it was a big thing, and I just didn't get any of it. Because I don't get why there has to be a comparison at all.

It's apples to oranges. The love I have for my husband and that I feel for my son are COMPLETELY different beasts. I don't love either one more than the other, I love them differently.

And I think of myself as a wife and mom equally, they are both roles in my life that I love and work hard at and am proud of and embrace. Whichever one I choose to say first in conversation -- well, that's just semantics.

[Marlene]

Headless mom took the words right out of my mouth.

My answer was almost exactly what her answer was!

[MomZombie]

I can't really add anything more to this dialog that hasn't already been said, except I'm pretty sure it's Ayelet Waldman who proclaimed her undying love for her hottie husband over her children in 'Bad Mother', which got me thinking. I listened to her interview on NPR and felt her viewpoint was different than mine: I most certainly would save my drowning children before I saved my drowning husband. Not that I want my husband to die. I'd expect him to save the kids before me as well. The loss of a child seems so much more unbearable than the loss of a spouse. That, in itself, seems to define the difference in relationships.

[Saffa Chick]

I'm pregnant with our first child, and the other day my husband said "If they ask me who to save between you and the baby, I'll save you, ok?"

And I thought to myself: "If I had to choose between you and the baby, um...."

Food for thought. Thanks Auds!

[Jan]

You know, I had to go check my blog to see how I described myself because I couldn't remember how it started. I began with "Mother, wife, daughter, friend, sister, goober-extraordinaire"... So, I started with mother, but I think of myself as a wife first. I am also fiercely independent and don't consider that I am just one thing, multi-faceted, dontcha know.

My husband just mentioned this very thing in his message at church last night. It's not a difficult or very deep concept in my book. It is simply that developing a deep and committed relationship with your spouse is actually what builds a solid foundation and safety net for one's children. What could be more important? I am a mother to the core of my bones and it is BECAUSE of that, that I choose to be a wife first. My kids are 21 and 25 and I feel more strongly the mother role than when they were little. I could more easily protect them when they were small. Now everything is beyond my control. As they've struggled, I've known (and they've expressed) that it's the rock we've built our home on that helped them carry on.

I don't know if I've adequately expressed what I want to say, but I think this was a great question!

[~m]

Right now, I'm a mom before I'm a spouse. I lack the energy...and the sleep...to be any other way! i know that our relationship gets the short end of the stick because we are both putting so much effort into navigating toddlerhood but i also know that in a few years or so it won't be like this any more. that is probably one reason why it was good that we were married 10+ years before we started offspringing. we got our own relationship melded so solidly during that time that it can survive a few years of sleep deprivation and scattered toys...

[Halala Mama]

I always think of myself as a wife first. I think because my husband chose me and that makes it a different kind of relationship, though I love my husband and son just the same. It makes me feel special and important to have been chosen by this man.

[Liz]

I'm neither, yet. And I never thought about it until a few years ago my parents' pastor was telling a story about a behavior problem he and his wife had had years before with a teenage daughter. The daughter was disrespectful to the mom, and the pastor said that he made sure his kids knew that for him, his wife came first. He would never tolerate disrespect for her from their children. Period. And obviously, this is to be expected in terms of demanding respect for a parent. But the way that he said, "my wife comes first," made me realize that I'd always believe that the church and society tells women that there is no higher calling than to be a mother. Yet here was a man, saying that his role as a husband came first. So we have a situation where the husband's priority is the wife, the wife's priority are the children. Doesn't seem like a fair deal for dad at all.

I don't know; it's all academic for me anyway, since I'm single and childless. But I've wondered about it more than once. I've been interested in other people's responses.

[Adrian]

I didn't even have to think about this one. Even though I am pretty happily married for 25 years, I always think of myself as a Mom first. In fact, if I were dying or something, my first thought would be, there's no way, I can't die, I HAVE to be there for my boys. I'm not sure if my husband would even come into my mind at a time like that. Nothing against my hubby, but that's just how strongly I feel about my children.

[deejay]

lol.how many husbands have you had ?