Barking Mad

It's Time to Take a Stand and Demand Some Answers!

For too long now I have been complacent; I've sat back and let things go.  I argued that I didn't want to make waves or rock the boat.  At one point I even thought that someone else might take a stand and demand some answers. 

Well, the questions still remain unanswered and people, the situation is dire! It isn't just time to rock the boat, it's time to blow the damn thing up!

As I began to raise my voice and start asking some vital questions, I knew I'd need a partner.  I knew someone else must take a stand with me, someone who has asked the tough questions before and who wasn't afraid to get ugly and be confrontational in the name of our nation's most valuable assets...our children.  

Parents of America, it's time we demanded to know where the hell are Max and Ruby's parents and...

 

...where is Caillou's hair?

So I sat down and wrote a passionate plea for help to...

Dear Mr. Rivera,

I know your time is valuable so I will get right to the point.

In the past you've not had a great deal of success solving certain mysteries, not that I'm rubbing your nose in it or anything, but I thought that perhaps this sort of "mystery" might be right up your alley. I know that you have the balls to confront the powers that be in the worlds of Max and Ruby and Caillou and demand some answers.  After all, you got in Bill O'Reilly's face, so how much harder can this be? 

Maybe you'll finally get some of the journalistic acclaim you've been seeking, if you put your news-hound nose to work, and help me uncover the bold truths about these parentless bunnies and the bald 4 year old...even if it is only kindergartners lauding you with that acclaim.  Hey, you have to start somewhere! 

I believe that you alone sir, possess the chutzpah to attack the meaty truth behind the scenes of these wayward bunnies before something goes horribly wrong - like Ruby having to resort to selling black market coloring books to support the verbally challenged Max.  Ruby may even go down a far more desperate road and start selling her brother's feet for money.  Rabbit's feet charms still fetch something on the open market!

I wouldn't be surprised if the stress of having such an overbearing, domineering older sister like Ruby, leads Max to never gain full range of his verbal abilities and he ends up becoming a white-trash Rabbit, chain-smoking, living in a single wide trailer, covered in tattoos and doing what bunnies with no direction in life do...screwing like bunnies.  How many offspring of his will become a burden to society because no one bothered to step in and demand some answers when he was still young and able to be saved?  A bunny on the dole is a terrible thing!  

Worse yet, if we don't discover the real truth behind Caillou's lack of hair, he may resort to joining the Hair Club for Men...no good can come from that!  Caillou is 4 years old,  but has not got  a single strand of hair on his lollypop-shaped head.  His little sister Rosie has hair in abundance.  Might he be suffering from alopecia and the folks at PBS aren't quite sure how to address it?  I don't know but I suspect there's something much more sinister at play.  Geraldo, I know you can get to the crux of the matter, and soon, before things in poor whiny Caillou's life go terribly pear-shaped and he joins a violent gang of other wayward bald kids and begins to terrorize small Canadian fishing villages.

Please, won't you help?


Yours in Anarchy,

Dear PBS,

How hard can it be to hook a brother up with some hair?  If I can do it, so can you!

This is Why I Don't vLog

Did I even spell that right?  Vlog, vLog, VLOG, vlog.  Who knows?  Obviously I don't.

I set out with the best of intentions...to video my attempt at making homemade bread and butter pudding with raspberry sauce, also homemade.  Gareth has a special place in his heart for bread and butter pudding.  According to my hubby, his mum, (God rest her soul), used to make the best bread and butter pudding in the entire British Isles.  I've never really tried to make any of the British staples he grew up with because his memories of those foods are so closely attached to his mum and I don't want to tarnish them.  That said, I thought, "Self, what the hell, what's the worst that can happen?"

Not only did I fail miserably at the vLog, I somehow managed to delete most of the photos, save for eight of them, and those were taken with the point and shoot and not my DSLR's.  *sigh*

Yes, there was much gnashing of teeth and wailing.  The DSLR photos were great.  Probably my best food-photography to date.  The point and shoots?  Well, not so much.  Oh well.

So here, I present into evidence why I should refrain from ever making another vLog. Oh and for the record, yes my feet are fat, horribly so, but it just so happened on the day this video was made that I was retaining about as much water as the Titanic took on before she sunk.  The summer time always means fatter-than-typical-feet for moi.  Just sayin...

I ended up having to shut little miss "under my feet" and her accomplice, Geronimo, in my bedroom until I was done.  Otherwise certain disaster was lurking around every corner.

Despite suffering a temporary plague of kittens, (how come this isn't one of the plagues mentioned in the Bible?  Because seriously, a plague of kittens is nothing to laugh at, I assure you!), Gareth proclaimed my first attempt at bread and butter pudding, "Just like me mum's!"  I could have wept out of sheer pride when he said that.  Seriously.

Putting the buttered french bread slices into the pan and then covering with a rich custard...

 

Top with raisins and set in a water bath, pop into the oven...

 

Prepare the raspberry sauce...

...and then, voila!  You have Barking Mad Bread and Butter Pudding!

 

No cats or kittens were harmed in the creation of this dessert...at least I don't think they were.

Because Insomnia is My New BFF

I found this nifty (not the rat!  He is long gone!) little meme over at Jess' place and decided to hijack it because I once again can't sleep. 

OK, the truth is that yes, I did hijack the meme from Jess but I can't sleep because I have the same Goddamned nightmare over and over - that I've been having for 18 months now and the only way to keep from having the nightmare is to take two Xanax before bed.  I'm scared of developing a substance abuse problem on top of the nasty little eating disorder, so I just don't go to sleep until I absolutely can't keep my eyes open any longer.  I still end up having the nightmares about 75% of the time I don't take the Xanax, but I'm grateful for the nights that I can sleep, unfettered with the fucking nightmares that have plagued me for so long.

Anyhow, here we go!  By all means, feel free to hijack this from me, because you know you really want to.  Or maybe not.

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
The mortgage because it's huge.  It's the only "debt" we have aside from the regular monthly stuff like the ultilities.  Oh wait, there is another one I hate almost equally.  Our monthly fuel oil bill.  Living in New England, we heat our homes with fuel oil and it's hideously expensive.   And people wonder why we keep getting more and more cats.  No you ninnies, it's not to use their skins...it's so we can pile them on our beds at night in order to keep warm.  Hence the reason we'll be getting a Newfie soon!   And then I'm going to learn how to take all the cat hair we FURminate off all the beasties and get myself a big-ass loom and spin it into yarn.  I'll make a fortune off of it...or have really unique blankets.  Or not.  I sort of forgot that I don't know how to crochet or knit.

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
I can't honestly remember to tell you the truth.  I rarely leave the house to go and do things like that.  People in restaurants are always looking at what fat people eat, and I hate to be subjected to scrutiny like that.   Sometimes though, once the Little Imp is in bed, the hubby and I will snuggle up under a big duvet and share chocolate covered strawberries...his covered with milk chocolate and mine with white.  That counts doesn't it, as a romantic meal?

3. Last time you went to the movies?
I took Meg and  eight of her friends to see the worst movie ever made...Drag Me to Hell.  After the movie, indeed I felt like I'd been dragged to hell. 

4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar?
I have never ever gotten drunk and danced on a bar.  Oiy! 
However, the last time I was considered slightly inebriated was Christmas night.  That's all I have to say about that.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Jesus on a bike!  I can't remember that far back.

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Sleeping and dreaming about being somewhere where it is not raining, rather than sleeping and dreaming about standing  in a bikini in front of the men who have hurt me and abused me.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
Famous author and radio DJ.  So far I've accomplished one out of two.  Not bad.

8. How many colleges did you attend?
4

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
I'm stealing Jess' answer.  Because it was clean.  When you have children, "clean" takes priority over "stylish" or "trendy."

10. If you could move anywhere where would you go?
Go back home to Cape Elizabeth.  It's only 35 miles south of where we are right now, but it's home.

11. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
It didn't go off. The Little Imp was at Montessori and after she left for school at 6:30 this morning I turned over and went back to sleep until 11AM.  Yeah, it was a bad night last night. 

12. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
"Please Jesus, God and whoever else is up there, don't let me have that dream.  Anything but that dream.  Please please please please please....."

13. Favorite type of music?
I'm eclectic when it comes to music.  But at this moment, I'm seriously into horror movie soundtracks and a awesome Australian, Gabriella Cilmi.  Check her out!

14. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
Read.  Write.  Take pictures.  Hang with the hubby and the Little Imp and make her laugh.  Chill with Megawatt. 

15. What errand/chore do you despise?
Any and all of them.

16. Get up early or sleep in?
I'm depressed.  Sleep is a way of life for me. 

17. What is your favorite cartoon character?
"Little Audrey"

18. What do you miss most about high school?
Mr. Hackney and chillin' with the peeps from his Econ/Gov't class.

19.What do you miss most about college?
Being excited to finally "get it"....all the adult concepts and philosophies that I always thought were over my head, but eventually sunk in.  I miss that feeling.

20.When did you first start feeling old?
When I opened my mouth and heard my mother jump out.  It's happening more often lately especially as it relates to Megawatt and I.  I find myself really not liking how she dresses sometimes, or the shit she's done to her hair (she bought BLACK extensions and they look...well, less than stellar), or telling her to turn her "Goddamned stereo down!"   I clearly remember my own mother ripping me a new one over similar things and promising myself I'd never "get old" like that and be a harpy.  Now when I look in the mirror I say, "Well hello old harpy!"  

21.Favorite 80’s movie?
The Breakfast Club

22.Your favorite lunch meat?
Smoked turkey

23.What do you get every time you go into Sam’s Club? Or Walmart?
Notta

24.Beach or lake?
Beach!  The ocean is where it's at!

25.Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
Dude, I've been married three times.  I obviously don't think it's outdated...it's just that it wasn't until the third time that I actually picked the right one.

26.Favorite guilty pleasure?
Cheesy vampire romance novels, yeah, just like Twilight.  Oh and if I can read one of them whilst eating a bologna sammie loaded with Fritos, all the more guiltily pleasurable. Oh and I can't forget the ice cold Coke over crushed ice. 

27.Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
Bob Hope and Lucille Ball movies.  Shuddup already!

28.What’s your drink?
Those Down Under Darned from Outback...other than that, it's Coke over crushed ice.

29.Cowboys or Indians?
Native Americans!  I am after all, half Cherokee, what did you think I was gonna say?

30.Cops or Robbers?
Cops.  They have handcuffs.  'Nuff said.

31.Who from high school would you like to run into?
Lauren Geary, Donnie Hale, Walter Hawthorne, and Kim Smith.

32.What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
WGAN...talk radio.  Yeah so I like to listen to talk radio, go figure!

33.The Cosby Show or the Simpsons?
Neither.  I have never even seen an episode of the Simpsons.  Something about Homer makes me itch.

34.Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
The list is long and it's futile to think about them now.  Not a damn thing I can do about it.

35.If you could get away with it, who would you kill?
Yeah right, like I'd actually put that out there for everyone to read. 

36.What famous person(s) would you like to have dinner with?
Lucille Ball (I know I know, she's dead) or Julia Roberts.  I have such a girl-crush on Julia. *sigh*

37.What famous person would you like to sleep with?
Jesus wept!  My HUSBAND is reading this! But if you put a gun to my head and said that I absolutely, under the threat of death, must answer this, well, who am I to argue with that?  There are a few.  Jeremy Clarkson, although his wife might take issue with that.  Hugh Laurie, and his wife might raise an eyebrow too...and last but not least, James Marsters.

38.Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Yes.  That's all I have to say about that.

39.Last book you read for real?
An Inconvenient Book by Glenn Beck, first four books in the House of Night series (don't waste your money), When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris, Stiff by Mary Roach, Cherokee Indian Nation - A Troubled History, by Duane H. King, Understanding Exposure, by Bryan Peterson, Kings and Queens of England and Scotland, by Somerset Fry,  Interview with the Vampyre, by Anne Rice - for the fifteenth millon time.  Those are only some of the ones I'm currently trying to get through.

40.Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
At the radio station I used to work at in Columbus, OH. WCOL.  I was minutes from going on air and Lonestar was coming into the studio for an interview.

41.Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
I grew up in So Cal and I honestly can't think of any place I have never been that I'd want to go to down there.

42.What is your favorite sport to do?
Recliner aerobics.  You think I'm kidding?  Seriously, back when I used to not be sedentary, it was either Archery or Snowboarding.

43.What time do you go to bed?
Whenever the Xanax kicks in or whenever I faceplant into the computer.

44. Have you ever been in love?
Once...and I'm married to that true love.

45.Have you ever been cheated on?
Yes!

46.Have you ever cheated on someone?
No.

47.Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yes!

48.Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Yes.

49.At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
Neither.

50.Just how OLD are you?
OLD.

Distracted

Big things are afoot at the Barking Mad Asylum, with one inmate in particular.  We've kept this pretty hush-hush for several reasons which I can go into, I hope, tomorrow once it's all said and done.  If you are family (um, hello Mommily) and know of which I speak, please don't mention it in the comments.  What I will say though is that tomorrow is an extremely momentous day for one inmate here at the asylum and whilst I have so many mixed feelings about this, I can't wait to share the news.

If all that didn't already have me befuddled enough, I'm sitting on the fence trying to decide about switching from my Sony DSLR to a Canon camera.  I have been on the fence about this for more than a year now and at one point was even caught flirting with Nikon.  I know this is pretty boring stuff to you, but I'm at a point with my photography where it's "Shit or get off the pot."  Pardon the offensive nature of that last sentence but it's completely apropos for where I am right now.  I'm not getting the kind of results I want from the Sony and I need to make a move.  I have considered moving up to their a900 but for what the body alone costs, I could get a comparable Canon with the lenses as well.  Don't get me wrong...I have loved being able to take some wonderful shots with Sony's first venture into the Prosumer DSLR line (which, technically speaking, was Minolta/Konika, as Sony bought them), but I want more speed, better quality and a higher level of support than I'm currently getting from Sony.

The thing about my photography?  I'm just not sure I'm good enough to warrant getting another camera.  Add to that, I don't Photoshop the hell out of everything.  I want what comes out of my camera to be genuine and beautiful.  I don't believe in embellishing photographs.  I know there's potential for a huge debate that could lead to argument in that sentence, but that is my opinion. I do believe in cleaning images up, but if the sky in the photo you took was not as cerulean blue as you want it/think it should be, I feel there's an element of dishonesty in Photoshopping it to appear as blue as you imagined it was.  Again, that's just my opinion. 

I'm at odds with this entire camera thing because I don't want to buy a new camera hoping that the problem with my photos is the camera itself and not the person behind it.  You can't buy talent...ya know?

Having said all that; I do love photography.  I love the sense of pride I get from uploading something I captured and having it come up as brightly and vividly as I remembered seeing it. I've been flattered to have photos from my Portland Headlight series be displayed at a local gallery - talk about a huge ego boost!  I love capturing the expressions of the Little Imp or Megawatt and her friends.  Live moments from life, forever held in time.  Unlike writing, which I don't have to work at and which is something that has been effortless almost my entire life, I do have to work at taking pictures.  I have to know my camera and the settings and then deal with all of those variables.  Every once in a while, the little knowledge of those things that I do possess, will come into play and the stars align and I get a shot I'm absolutely in love with. 

So what do I do next, amidst all the confusion over whether or not I actually have any talent behind the lens?  I slam you all with more photographs from Memorial Day out at Pemequid Beach.

We couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day and I'm grateful that despite a lack of talent behind the lens, for the gorgeous subjects I was blessed with, in front of it.

Notwithstanding how annoyed these two luvlies get with me being forever attached to my camera, you have to admit, they make perfect subjects...even when they aren't very cooperative! 

Of course, every once in a blue moon I can get them both to look my direction and smile!

We dragged Zach B., with us out there and I got him to smile for a few shots as well...

 

Well OK, maybe I should have made the above "smiles", singular!

 

Leave it to Megawatt and Zach to horse around.  I am never at a loss for things to shoot, with Megawatt and her friends in lens range...

Rock dancing? Um, yeah...leave it to Megawatt!

 

It was, after all, Memorial Day...

 

 

Oops!

 

 

 

In addition to the wildlife of the teenage variety, I was able to catch some of the "pesky and irritating" assortment as well!  Of course, the hubby, who this mosquito happened to land upon, was not thrilled with me wanting him to stand absolutely still so I could get a shot of the ugly little bastard!

 

The hubby would have preferred I stick to capturing this kind of wildlife...

 

 

...or even this kind, on the half-shell!

 

 

Yuck!  Sorry, but I don't like clams, dead or alive.

Of course, my favourite kind of wildlife is the home-grown kind! Running wild, hair flying everywhere, and smiling from ear to ear!

 

The Slacker and the Attention Whore

Yesterday I was bemoaning my lot in life as it relates to not getting anything done.  In fact, I was so sloth-like before the window guy got here that I totally forgot about the vase filled with long dead flowers that was sitting on the dining room table. 

The door bell rang and I stood there, staring at the metabolically challenged posies and did what any other slacker would do.  I grabbed the vase and ran into the loo, placed them in the bathtub, closed the shower curtain and then attempted to compose myself whilst running at breakneck speed down the stairs to answer the door.  Mercifully I didn't trip going down the stairs and maim myself in the process. 

Once the window guy left I plopped my big ass down in comfy chair and remembered the flowers were still in the tub.

Of course, when I went to grab a trash bin liner to dump them into I discovered we were all out of liners.  Great.  So I walked into the loo and just stood there and stared at the flowers and decided I'd call the hubby and ask him to stop and pick up bin liners on his way home from work. Until then, the flowers weren't exactly going anywhere.

And what's a post about my slackitude without photos? 

And here we have the attention whore.  Seriously.  You crack open a camera and once he hears the shutter he comes running, all 18lbs of fur and fluff, and places himself between me and the viewfinder. 

I wish I were adept enough with PhotoShop to airbrush out Griffy's "Eyes of Laura Mars."   It annoys the crap out of me. 

And if all this weren't proof enough of what a total and complete slacker I am, have a gander at the kitchen.  This is how part of it has looked since Christmas.  Lovely eh?  NOT!

I don't know who the joker was that convinced me into getting stainless appliances for the kitchen but that stuff is a pain in the ass to keep clean.  So what do we do?  We go and order a stainless stove and dishwasher.   Oh wait, I was the masochist that decided I wanted all stainless appliances.  I never learn.

Hopefully by May 15th the kitchen will be repainted, granite counters in, and new flooring installed/laid.  I'm hoping that the 7 cabinets that are going to have glass panels will be in by then as well, but I'm not holding my breath.  After all, I have my slacker status to maintain!

Well Slap My Ass and Call Me Paddy O'Rourke!

Yeah, I know St. Patrick's Day was yesterday.  I didn't want to bump the Extreme Twilight Giveaway post so I waited until today to post my silly tribute to all things green, Irish and in my case, cooking disasters.   Oh and I learned a HUGE lesson about beer yesterday too.  Food colouring does something to the taste of beer...good, imported Belgian beer.  My last bottle of good, imported, Belgian beer no less.  That'll teach me to use Belgian beer on an Irish holiday.  

Despite feeling like ass (and looking like one too!), I dragged my ginormous behind out of bed, tossed some spices and bay leaves in with the pot of water and set the corned beef brisket to boilin' on the stove.  I was literally drooling in anticipation of the heavenly aroma filling the kitchen and the rest of the house. I was also very grateful that my sense of smell and taste finally came back yesterday. 

 

Next on my menu was creating my interpretation of a St. Patty's Day cake.  I originally called it a Leprechaun Cake, however once it was baked and frosted - if you can even call what I did to it, "frosting it", I realized it was worthy of another, more suitable name, but I don't know what that is because what do you call a baked concoction that looks like a leprechaun exploded from the center of it?   I'm totally open to suggestions at this point.

Ladies and gentleman, I present you with..."It"

 

 

Despite outward appearances, it was pretty tasty.  However, I'll never get all that green food colouring off my hands and especially my fingertips.  It looks like my hands have begun to mold.

Moving on to the evening's beverage.   It sure was pretty, but I will never, no not ever in the name of another ethnic holiday, add food colouring to good beer ever again.  I ruined my very last Stella Artois and that stuff ain't cheap!

Once the brisket was done boiling I added my yummy glaze (pineapple juice, brown mustard and light brown sugar) and popped it in the oven whilst the potatoes, carrots and eventually the cabbage went for a dip in the boilin' pot!   At this point the house smelled....WONDERFUL!

 

Get in mah belly!

 

All in all, regardless of the fact that St. Patty's Day landed on the heels of me being monumentally ill, it was a pretty tasty day.

Now, what the hell can I do to a cake for the Easter holiday? 

 

P.S.... If our St. Patty's Day culinary adventures haven't already bored you to sleep, don't forget - especially for all you die-hard Twilight fans, that I'm hosting an epic Twilight giveaway! Well, OK that's a slight exaggeration considering the fact that for it to be called "epic", I'd have to be giving away Edward Cullen himself.  And believe me, as much as I adore you all, and despite my intense crush on Jasper Hale, if Edward Cullen found himself in my home for whatever reason, he would not, under ANY circumstances, be leaving. 

P.S.S....Oh and tomorrow, as in Thursday, my own "Betcha Didn't Know" goes up!  Oiy!

Too Good NOT To Share!

After nearly 15 hours of sleep (I get snaps though because I did get up to help get the Little Imp ready for Montessori this morning.  I wasn't a complete glutton) I feel so much better and much more human...except for the fact that I turned the heating way up (and I think it was justified...at the time it was -5F outside and only 51F inside!) after the hubby and Imp left this morning and when I did finally roll out of bed it was 84F in the house.  I was drenched in sweat and to make matters worse, because I'd been asleep for so long, the back of my hair now resembles a huge bird's nest. 

Photo credit

Needless to say, I've spent the last 30 minutes detangling my hair only to realize I should have said the hell with it and gotten into the shower before wasting all that time which only led to anger and frustration on my part.  Even at 40, I'm still learning my lessons the hard way.

Before I got into the shower, I received a text message from Miss Abby asking me if I'd ever been out to F*** My Life?  I said no but that I was game and she texted back and told me that I wouldn't regret it.  

I still haven't gotten into the shower because I've been sitting here for ages reading F*** MY Life.   It's a time suck, but it's hellaciously funny.  I suppose you could say it's the tiniest bit voyeuristic in the same way that Post Secret is, except this shit is funny!  And it's funny because it's not your life...or, well, maybe it is?  Either way, trust me, you'll want to go out there and read some of this stuff.  And yes, yes I know, I myself could probably enter a few things.

One more thing...you still have NINE HOURS left to enter for a chance to win a $250 Target gift card!   I'm going to close comments promptly at 10:30PM EST tonight and let the Random Interger Generator do it's thing and I'll announce the winner at 6AM EST Thursday morning. 

Can I just say...this contest has been so much fun!  I'm still working my way through everyone's posts.  I have really enjoyed reading your favs and hope everyone else has too.

Oh I lied...there's one more thing after the last thing.  And you'll want to pay attention.  April is going to be so much fun around the Barking Mad Asylum.   I'm going to be giving away a Keurig Platinum Brewing System  (OMG OMG OMG this thing is amazing!), a six month supply of coffee (and I just found out, about five minutes ago that it's Green Mountain Coffee k-cups!)  for use with the Keurig and another gift card...but, I'm not going to let you know the dollar amount or where the gift card can be used, but I promise you, you'll WANT this gift card!  Oh oh oh oh oh!  For St. Patrick's Day I'm going to be doing something fun!  So, despite all the mayhem around here, you'll want to stick around!

WTH Monday

Well lookie here!  13" of snow later and I've still got power!  Of course now that I've gone and opened my massive pie hole, God is going to laugh and cause a tree to fall over on a major power transformer in my area and we'll be in the dark for the rest of the week! 

Of course the Little Imp's Montessori is closed today, and it naturally follows that she's come down with something...don't know what it is.  She woke up with a raging fever although I couldn't tell you exactly how high it is because a certain little person who shall remain nameless tried to take the cat's temperature with our digital thermometer and the cat decided it made a damned good toy.  A certain orange fluffy cat used it to play feline hockey with.  It registers a whopping 62F at the most now.  I can assure you, if any of us here in the Barking Mad Asylum were to have a temperature reading that low, we'd soon be residing in the county morgue.

Tylenol seems to be keeping her fever under wraps.  I'd heard that there was another barfing-bug going around her school last week.  I'm just praying (actually BEGGING) God to have mercy on us because we have already done the barfing thing in the past 12 months.   With my luck, God's probably keeping track on a January to December calendar and you'll be reading another post about me cleaning up barf.  Here's to hoping whatever she has does not include vomit.  So, it looks like the hubby is going to be staying home with her tomorrow instead of accompanying me on hell-day.

Because I'm feeling rather cocky about having come through another Nor'easter with the power on (but OMG, I'm so effing tired of the snow already! ), and the fact that the Little Imp is napping (you really know your kid feels awful when they come to you and tell you they're going to lay down and nap, voluntarily!) I decided to host my first ever WTH Monday.  It will probably be the last because I never can get it together enough to maintain these carnival things, but oh well.

I was surfing and came across some truly bizarre stuff that has me asking myself;

What the hell?

London's Fashion Week was last week and here we have a Man Creation from someone's Autumn/Fall 09/10 collection.  This brings back memories of when my mom used to dress me in those annoying-as-hell leotards.  Having to use the loo was a major feat back in the day...especially if I was wearing tights.  Oiy!

And dude, what happens when you have to use the loo?  You can't just whip it out!  You have to reach under and unsnap the damned thing and then resnap once you've done your business.   For most men I know that would be too much work!

What I'm wondering is this...Is this dude wearing a leotard?  And if so, is it a Manotard?  I guess it would still be a leotard because it's not like they were called Femitards or Wometards back when we were wearing them.  In the end, a leotard under any other name is still going to look just as lame!

What the hell?

Again with the London Fashion Week outfits. 

Perhaps I don't understand haute coture, but just where the hell is he thinking he's going to wear this outside of a 70's themed disco in Berlin?  Seriously!  This isn't something you're going to see Ryan Gosling or Leo DeCaprio wear on the red carpet and I dare say the Yahoo and Google moguls wouldn't be caught dead wearing this get-up to a board meeting.  Again, I ask you, who wears some of this stuff?  Where is the market for it?

Sticking with the theme from Fashion Week, here's another perfect example that has me asking myself...

What the hell?

I'm not exactly sure what the designer was going for with this look.  Perhaps Harry Potter meets mod (that look from 80's inspired by Depeche Mode and  Morrisey)?  And um, maybe someone forgot to tell him that peddle pushers on men look pretty hideous. Or perhaps he was trying to combine haute coture with flood-wear? 

As I continued to surf the vast wild web I came across a news story about, and I am NOT making this up, wildlife managers in Florida using regular magnets to repel crocodiles from residential neighborhoods.  

I feel pretty bad for the dude that drew the short straw and has to "tape" the magnets to the side of the croc's head.  Sucks to be him!

The article went on to quote one of the managers as saying they've already tried it on two crocs and so far they know that one was run over and died and the other has yet to return from where ever they relocated it to.  The magnets interfere (the long and short of it) with the croc's sense of direction.

Can you imagine "running over" a croc?   This is yet another reason I will never ever live in Florida.  But in the event I ever happen to visit, I'm going to be sure to carry a huge supply of magnets with me.  Hell, we have enough just sitting there on the side of the fridge. We can spare a few.

Oh did you hear that Pamela Anderson's late breasts were found recently?  You know, the ginormous ones she had lopped off a few years ago and replaced with more normal looking humongous ones?

Of all the places for her breasts to end up...

...China!

Huge snaps to Dave Barry's blog were I culled most of this from.   I've had a long-time crush on Mr. Barry and his sense of humor. 

So, tell me my luvlies, is anything out there making you say, What the hell?

Some Days I Wish My Brain Had an Off Switch

I assumed, after indulging in a glass of my favourite chardonnay whilst sitting and reading one of the books in my burgeoning book pile, (Lisey's Story by Stephen King), that I might be a tad more mellow than I was earlier in the day when my brain was on overdrive and my body was trying, (and failing miserably), to keep up with the Little Imp.  

Tonight was supposed to be the night the Little Imp moved into her big girl bed.  Alas, I didn't put all of her brand new bedding in the wash (and OH MY GOD is there ever a story connected with the MAJOR MELTDOWN I had when we went out and got her bedding...the operative part of that sentence being, "went out."  I think "meltdown" might be an understatement of epic proportions), so it didn't happen.  

Truth be told, I've been dreading this transition for a couple of reasons.  Her crib is the very last vestige of babyhood and I think both she and I have been reluctant to give it up.  She loves her crib and never once has she ever tried to climb out...a first for one of my offspring.  I also have this niggling little feeling that she is going to be damned near impossible to keep in her bed.  For every time I have bragged about how she has never once gotten out of her crib...well, karma, she's a funny old broad with a warped sense of humour.

Mellow?  Chill?  Relaxed?  Hardly.

Why, you ask?

It's simple really...I've been thinking about some things that need to be answered in the worst way!

For instance, I'm hoping one of you women out there who wear thong panties can answer this for me.   When you fart, does it make a whistling sound? 

And whoever the fool was that thought this was a good idea needs to be made to run across fire-hot Legos...barefoot! What the hell is this called anyhow, Wedgie-Wear?

Anyone out there remember Izod (Lacoste) shirts and how they were all the rage back in the 80's?  If you were cool, you had at least one, if not a closet-full of those shirts.  I was no exception.  I concede, some of you who read Barking Mad are barely old enough to recall what you had for breakfast, let alone fashion icons of the 80's.  But stick with me.  Read on.

Richard Gere even had an Izod or two.

My question is this...who was the brilliant mind behind using an alligator? 

To me, an alligator says, "Step back before I fuck your shit up!"

Since when is an alligator a sign of all things preppy?  I mean, hell, a poodle would have been a better indication of that, than an alligator.

Of course, that begs another question...would Richard Gere have looked so hot wearing a shirt emblazoned with a poodle?

OK...maybe not.

Moving on.

How did we ever come to the conclusion that fish enjoyed eating worms?  Was it through trial and error that someone discovered this?  Because seriously, most worms I know (I've even been married to one) live on the earth (or in it), and fish?  Not so much.  Was it perhaps a case of a worm losing his way and falling into a lake?  Or was it a fish who found himself washed ashore and saw a worm crawl by and thought to himself, "Dude, I'm hungry and you're the closest thing.  Get in mah belly!"  I fear this is one of those bothersome questions I'll never have an answer to.

Whilst we're on the subject of food we eat and what they eat, lets talk about lobsters.  I know I know...sooner or later the powers that be in the state of Maine are going to discover that I hate lobsters and they will kick me out. Until that day happens, I have a few questions.

Who thought it was a good idea to eat something that's a bottom dweller?  Seriously! 

I mean it's bad enough that it resembles a hard boiled, red, sea-going cockroach...but who was the Einstein that brought one of these things up from the depths and decided to boil it and call it good?   The work alone that it takes to get into one of those bottom feeders puts me totally off eating them, not to mention they taste awful!  I don't want to have to use hand tools to get into my food.  A fork, knife and occasionally a spoon are good enough for me.  When was the last time you saw someone try and use one of those to crack into a lobster?  We don't have lobster crackers in the house.  Not a single pair.  So when Megawatt brought home a lobster (she loves them) over the summer, she had one hell of a time getting to the meat.  I seem to recall a screwdriver, a hammer, and a pair of pliers were used in eating her meal.  Call me crazy but items that appear on This Old House should not be used when trying to eat dinner.

Case in point.  Here's my brother-in-law, Tim, cracking into a Maine lobster when they were here on holiday a few years ago.

A person not versed in using the nut cracker he's holding could conceivably break a finger with one of those things.  Hey, it could happen!   Of course, this is Tim we're talking about.  He likes burnt toast and black pudding, so it shouldn't have surprised me that he liked lobster too.

Finally, who was the brain-trust that decided snails (or slugs, they're all the same to me) should be haute cuisine?  Oh that's right.  It was the French.  'Nuff said I guess.

These are just some of the things I think about and would love some answers to.

Maybe I should indulge in another glass of wine.

Oh hey...where are you going?  I was featured on Blog Nosh Magazine today!  I'm blushing...totally blushing. 

P.S.  And the pimpage continues.  Come on people, I know you have some AWESOME blog posts.  Show them off and link back here for a chance to win a $250 Target gift card from Barking Mad!

P.S.S.  I know ya'll probably have a question of your own for me...when the hell am I going to be around to your blogs to say hi?   I miss you all more than I can say and I'm feeling a bit better about rejoining the ongoing conversations from our abodes on the web.   I just haven't felt like I've had much that was useful or would contribute, to say.   

Monkey See Monkey Do

I'm not sure who's imitating who?

In other asylum news...Um, errrrr.  Hell, there is no other asylum news.  So how about I bore you with stupid Facebook status conversations, courtesy of yours truly? 

No?  Yes?  Maybe?  Make up your damned minds already.

Too late, I'm going to bore you anyhow.

************

Yesterday

"Audrey just noticed her panties are on inside out". 11:17pm -
Comment - LikeUnlike - Show Feedback (18)Hide Feedback (18)

 Cynthia  at 11:26pm February 12

i'm sure that's not the first time that's happened. lol

 Walter  at 11:28pm February 12

LOL, I will NOT comment OR laugh<snicker>I promise!!!!

 Audrey  at 11:43pm February 12

Cyn - you're right. And damn, I can't even blame it on pregnancy brain!

Walter - you know you want to. *lol* It's like, never letting me live down "rug burns"....which, looking back, really did kinda hurt!

 Cynthia  at 11:45pm February 12

i ♥ bc u get rug burns while wearing ur panties inside out

 Audrey  at 11:47pm February 12

Cyn - now wait a sec...I don't know if my panties were inside out way back then, and either does Walter! Although he might tell you otherwise! *lol* Just kidding. However, knowing me, it's not a huge stretch to assume they just might have been. At least back then they weren't granny panties!

 Cynthia at 11:47pm February 12

hehehe

Mommypie at 11:52pm February 12

You just didn't want to do the laundry, admit it. (Kudos on getting an extra day out of 'em, btw.)

 Mommypie at 11:53pm February 12

The granny panties RULE, btw. At least mine do. Heh.

 Rosie  at 11:58pm February 12

Damnit woman think positive ! You DO have your panties ON!

 David  at 12:00am February 13

I'm thinking of starting a movement: GP's should be outlawed.

Mommypie at 12:05am February 13

Are you sure you're not HAVING a movement? In which case, you may appreciate the GPs. Give it a shot Dave!

 David  at 12:08am February 13

give what a shot? GP's or a movement? Auds, did you wear them right side out yesterday, then inside out today?

 Audrey  at 12:26am February 13

I don't remember.

 Audrey  at 12:28am February 13

Dave - if you outlaw GP's I will be forced to go pantyless...and please, for the love of God, NO ONE wants that. Think of the children!

 Mommypie at 12:30am February 13

And dwarves.

 David  at 12:32am February 13

and the creepy guys with mirrors on their shoes.

 Audrey at 12:40am February 13

I reckon me pantyless would cure the cgw/moths of that habit real quick!

 Audrey at 12:43am February 13

Oh hell...I'm going to bed....but not before I make sure I have a clean pair of GP's for tomorrow, and that they're right side out!

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You'll all be glad to know that today...today I managed to get my panties on, right side out, and I also managed to put toothpaste on my toothbrush this morning and not Preparation H.  It's going to be a good day!

And don't forget, for the love of Pete (Pete who?), to enter the contest!  You know, the one where you can win a $250 Target gift card?  Who doesn't want one of those?  Come on, you know you want to!  Besides, you'll get some linky-love too and that, m'dears, is a good thing.