Join Audrey as she embarks on a poignant personal journey to lose 225lbs and in the process, gain her life back. Audrey, a writer whose work has been published in Woman's Day magazine and featured on sites like BlogHer and Story Bleed, is also a freelance photographer whose seascape photography has been proudly displayed in galleries and businesses around New England. Audrey was also featured in HBO's Emmy-nominated ground-breaking documentary about the obesity epidemic in the United States, "The Weight of the Nation." Audrey is married to her childhood British pen-pal, has four beautiful children, two cats (one of which thinks he's a dog!) and has been publishing stories about her life for several years, after the heartbreaking death of her oldest son, Joshua, and the grief and resulting depression which contributed to her morbid-obesity.
Or being freaked out because around here, it's "Monkey see, monkey do!" Gracie is still sitting there, staring at me and frankly, it's creeping me out!
I'm sorry, I don't have any photos of Griffy drinking out of the toilet, otherwise I would have posted that too!
Oh and no, Geronimo was not hurt when he chased a wadded up piece of newspaper (Gareth was sitting on the floor, building me a fire, and Geronimo saw him throw the newspaper in and decided to play Fetch!), into the fireplace. However I was repeatedly scratched as I tried to wipe the ash and soot off of his paws and back-end! I gave up. I woke up this morning and he had apparently bathed himself and looked perfect. I bet he ended up with a wicked case of dry mouth!
As you can see, I'm up to my eyeballs in cats. Not that it's any different from any other day around here. I just thought you'd be a little more convinced that I'm actually terribly busy shooing cats out of harms way, or at the very least, trying to prevent them from scanning their asses into the computer, rather than the fact that I'm hiding from posting anything that I really want to, or should be posting about...like what I'm eating. Or thinking. Or crying over this week.
Yep, that's all it took for my resolve to never watch American Idol to crumble like so much cookie in the hands of a greedy toddler.
Steven Tyler.
Oddly enough I even found myself a bit enamored of Jennifer Lopez as well. Poor thing could hardly tell even the really bad auditoners "no." Randy Jackson still annoys me, but I can put up with him for a little...
Steven Tyler.
Yeah so, that's really all I had to say about it. I'm not exactly a pop culture blogger. I couldn't even begin to tell you anything about the recent Golden Globes or who wore what to them much less who won. Want to know which celebrity is pregnant, or who's sleeping with whom? Yeah me either, but just the same, this isn't the place to find out about it. I'm blissfully ignorant when it comes to most thing celebrity-related. I'm so completely clueless about this kind of stuff that for the longest time I thought Perez Hilton was simply a snarky nickname for Paris Hilton. See? I told you I lived under a rock when it comes to stuff like that, unless of course we're talking about...
Steven Tyler.
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I have been in a really strange mood most of the day. As night drew close, things went downhill fast after a major disagreement between my youngest son and me. As a result of how I left things with him, I spent most of the evening flagellating myself over my poor parenting skills and was doubting my ability, in it's entirety, as a parent.
As I sat on the couch, fuming and miserable, I happened to spy a brand new box of Orville Redenbacher (who has not paid me or endorsed this post in any way, shape or form, and considering the fact that he's been dead for a while now, it would be creepy if he had!), microwave popcorn.
Gareth had just built a roaring fire in the fireplace and as I warmed my feet in front of the fireplace, I glanced back at the counter at the bright red box of popcorn; an idea began to take shape.
For those of you who are already adding up 2+2, that's probably because you're keenly familiar with my juvenile sense of humor after reading my many bizarre and unusual Facebook status updates from this past Saturday night. I had to go to the place known as Hell on Earth during the holiday season...WalMart. It was pretty late and I didn't think many people would be there. Ha! Despite the fact that it was well after 11PM, the place was packed.
As I wandered through the store looking for the things I needed, I happened to head into the toy department. To make a long story short, I set off every single electronic toy I could think of, and then bailed as quickly as I could to the hunting and camping department. By the time I got over there, I could still hear the squeals from Torture Me Elmo and the peals of laughter from Baby Shouldn't Be Alive - all the way across the store.
That wasn't enough though. On my way back to the other side of the store, I detoured once more into the toy department and thought to myself, "Self, what fresh Hell can we wreak now?" Piled one on top of the other on the shelf in front of me were several Fancy Nancy dolls. Personally I think she needs to be renamed Freaky and Frumpy Nancy but what do I know? I'm not a marketing type.
I grabbed as many of those Freaky and Frumpy Fancy Nancy dolls as my arms could hold and placed each one on a bicycle. Hey, even Nancy wants a ride!
Fast forward to this evening.
I opened the box of microwave popcorn and took a bag out of the box. As I unwrapped it, I glanced at Gareth, who then looked around for each cat (I'm assuming to make sure they were safely tucked out of harms way - he knows what happens when I play with fire) and then he grabbed Gaby and told her to stand well away from mummy.
What happened next? Glad you asked. Here's the video I shot of the entire thing. Be sure and watch the entire 2 1/2 minutes...the ending is especially explosive.
Yep, I got rid of the bright shiny blonde. For now. I'm currently a bizarre shade of auburny-brown with some really pretty highlights thanks to the fact that my hair was almost white-blonde in places. And yes, I did it myself because I'm too cheap (AKA broke) to have it done professionally.
I was playing with a bunch of the effects in Picnik (I'm still too intimidated by Photoshop, despite having it, to use it!) and am really in love with the 60's/70's vibe it gives to a couple of my photos, in particular, the cross-process tool. The top, large photo is something called "CinemaScope" and I really like that too.
Here's just a regular shot, to give you a better idea of the new color...because I know you all just care so much about this and are hanging on every single thing I do, /sarcasm.
It's obvious I have entirely too much time on my hands.
Maybe me bashing the pizza here wasn't the smartest thing. I'm willing to give it another chance. Sure OK, I groan a lot about missing Maine and wanting to go home, but listen Empire State, maybe if you gave me a chance, I'd hush up. Heck, I might even grow a little fond of you.
You and I, we have really gotten off on the wrong foot, haven't we? It could have a little to do with the fact that when I first found myself living here, things were pretty much frozen...the lake, the ground, the people...You get where I'm going with this. I assumed that perhaps because we lived on a fairly large lake and it was a very seasonal area, that once the spring thaw hit, that maybe the people around here would defrost too. I even had images of hosting fantabulous cocktail parties and BBQ's on that massive deck of ours that looks out over Lake Saratoga. Sadly, all I've hosted is hordes of mayflies that seem fit to alight on every freaking surface. But let's nevermind that. What's a few trillion smelly, pesky, invasive mayflies when a burgeoning relationship is at stake?
Why so aloof and cool? Are you playing hard to get? I was never very good at that back in my dating days, and I'm a fat girl, so therefore I don't give chase very easily. Maybe you could meet me halfway, say, over a bagel? I'm willing to give a little if you are. Heck, I might even be willing to come down and take a bite out of the big apple if that would make you happy. I'm completely willing to give this relationship another chance. I just need to know that you're in this too! Maybe the occasional smile, a wave, or a friendly "Hello!" said in my general direction would go a long way toward smoothing things out. Just a few suggestions.
I know sometimes I slam you because there are days when I feel like there are never enough middle fingers when dealing with my fellow drivers. I'll try harder not to scream remarks about the potential for New Yorkers to become better drivers if they would just get off their cell phones and shove them into certain bodily orifices. I will really make a concerted effort to wave with my entire hand and not just one finger, when those drivers pass by me, cell phone glued to their ears, driving 35 miles over the posted speed limit. For all I know, any one of those drivers could be a neurosurgeon on his way to the hospital to scrub in on a life-saving procedure.
Maybe if you thought of me like the lonely kid at fat camp, the one who hasn't gotten to know anyone yet because she's not really sure if she fits in and so she maybe has a bad attitude about the whole experience? Perhaps you could sort of be like that hunky camp counselor who takes pity on the new fat girl and comes over and offers to show her where the canoes are, and how cool the air hockey table is?
I want you to know that I am totally on-board, willing to wipe the slate clean (does anyone know of a good dead-mayflie-remover- because I'm having a hard time cleaning the slate of those nasty, smelly little buggers!), and compromise. I want this relationship to work. I'll even go one better! I'll watch a Yankees game on TV...and I won't yell nasty things about how the Red Sox will kick your butts! I'll even eat a slice of genuine New York pizza while doing it! See? I am willing to give a little.
So, what do ya say? Do you...Could you...would you, like me?
Audrey, a wife and mother to four; lives in upstate New York, and is a writer, and photographer, former on-air talent for Clear Channel Broadcasting and voice-over artist. She writes from the heart about life in a British-American family and the often times hilarious and sometimes poignant and heartbreaking story behind their lives.
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