Barking Mad

Peenut Butter and Jellyfish

It's my sincere hope that this post doesn't turn any visitors to the beautiful shores of the Chesapeake Bay, off, of wanting to take a dip into the tepid waters of this gorgeous part of the country. 

Now, having said that, there ain't no way in hell I'm ever getting more than knee deep in the water the next time I go back.   As big as I am, I make an awfully tempting target for whatever might be floating around in the water.   Well, find me a floatie big enough, one in which I can tuck my legs into so that they aren't dangling in the water acting like so much bait (It's kinda like that same way I have to sleep at night - completely tucked in with no visible bits hanging over the edge of the bed or peering out from under the covers.  I just can't risk anything tempting the Under the Bed Monster. Just sayin'!), then I might be persuaded.  And I reckon if you ply me with enough booze beforehand, I probably won't care.

That was not the case last weekend down at BlogFest for Megawatt.  Number 1, she's underage and Number 2, she's young and will do just about anything once which includes tempting fate.  Keep in mind though, we're from Maine.  Jellyfish don't much enjoy our arctic waters.  If we can survive taking a dip in the ocean (I reckon it's usually warm enough by the last week in August.), 'round these parts; jellyfish are the least of our concerns.  We're more likely to encounter a wayward lobster than we are anything remotely poisonous.  Of course, now that I've said that, someone is going to come along and leave me a comment about all the nasties that lurk in our local waters.  Just don't.  OK?  I have enough phobias and issues as it is.  Just let me live in my blissful little bubble of ignorance.

We had been warned that chances were about 50/50 if we were going to be lollygagging about in the water down there, that we'd get stung by one of those suckers.  So of course, being the Nervous Nancy that I am, when Foolery nudged me out of my comfy beach chair and told me we were getting in the water, I tried to make excuses.  Alas, it didn't work with Foolery.  I was going into the water.  Period.

So I went in as far as my thighs and then stepped on something and that was the end of my excursion into the water.  I told you, I am a Nervous Nancy.  All someone had to do was merely whisper "jellyfish" and little else would have been on my mind.

Megawatt on the other hand...? Yeah, not a care in the world!

click to enlarge all images

She happily bobbed away on her floatie for the longest time and then when she got bored with that she waded out the farthest of anyone in our group.  I was rapidly succumbing to the warmth of the sun, something we haven't seen much of here in Maine, and the alcohol, so I was, to say the least, pretty hammered by that point.  For someone who rarely drinks, it really doesn't take me much to begin with.  I know that I was "live tweeting" the experience and I'll apologize now for the pictures that were sent along with some of those tweets.  Good Lord, my arms are white enough to blind an albino!

After a while, Megawatt ambled back up to the shore with 3 swim noodles she'd "rescued" from the Chesapeake Bay.  OK so maybe we were egging her on a bit.   They weren't our noodles, but they were out there and we dared her.  Of course she couldn't resist a dare. 

So far so good.  No one's been stung by this point. 

A while later as the tide starts to come back in Megawatt decides to go back into the water.

*cue the music from Jaws*

Not 5 minutes later she's sprinting out of the water, running for the condiment table where the fixins' were being set out for burgers and dogs and she's yelling, "Oh hey, I've been stung, I need some pickle juice!"  Someone had mentioned earlier to us that pickle juice helped take the sting out, should we end up getting stung by a jellyfish.

Dammit dammit dammit I just knew this was going to happen!  Megawatt comes running back down the hill, legs shaking, face red, and in obvious pain.  Noe Noe Girl is the first on the scene and sits her back down along the shore and starts rubbing sand on her legs.  Megawatt's legs are shaking violently and it looks like she's been whipped with an electrical cord. Country Girl Kate and Meg were standing nearby and helping out as well when Noe Noe Girl turns to me and says that she needs me to...are ya'll ready for this?

She needs me to pee.

Pardon me?  You need me to do what?  I don't think I can pee on my daughter.  Don't get me wrong, I'd take a bullet in my bum for this kid, walk through fire for her and give her my last breath.  But pee on her?  Nuh uh...it's not gonna happen. 

Meg grabs a cup and tells me I can pee in the cup.  Noe Noe Girl says that would work but to just be quick about it.

I'd sobered up by this point and truth be told, had to pee wicked-bad.  But just where the hell was I going to pee, with no loo in sight, and surrounded by a few dudes and lots of women?  Oiy vey!

Long story short, Meg provided a make-shift loo (a large blanket which I hid my ginormous squatted ass behind), and after having to be my "cheeleader" of sorts, I finally managed to (as someone who shall remain nameless later said), "make some magic happen."  What can I say, I had performance anxiety.  To any of the residents of the homes which were behind me... I am so very sorry you had to see that.  Seriously.  Just know that I was doing what any other mother would have done. 

Cup in hand we rushed over to where Noe Noe Girl and Megawatt were and handed it to her.  Holding an almost full cup of urine didn't phase Noe Noe Girl one little bit.  I can't say the same for Megawatt...

I can't blame Megawatt one little bit.  I might have been hurling my guts out if someone were rubbing pee all over me.  Although I sure as hell hope I never have to find out, first hand.

Once it was all said and done, "the cure" seemed to do the trick.  She had some residual pain, redness and swelling, but she was no worse for the wear.   At one point, Megawatt turned around and said to me, "Yo mom, it's cool, I'm in the Air Force now.  I can take it!"   That's my girl.

Moral of the story?  If you are going to be romping around in jellyfish-infested waters, make sure to take your mama with you and be sure she's good and liquored up because you never know when you might need her to accept the call of duty!

I Came Home from BlogFest with Far More Than I Took Down with Me

Images from four days spent with women from the blogosphere that I didn't know, are now co-mingled with memories of four days spent with some of the most amazing women I have ever been fortunate enough to meet and now call friends.

People who know me and in particular,  know my own personal situation, were hesitant to believe that something good could come from something so foreign...to them.  While blogs and blogging aren't unknowns to these people, the fact that someone would drive 800 miles one way to spend almost four days with people she'd gotten to know via the cyber-world, seemed, I dare say, a little unusual to them.  To those individuals, the wonderful people I have spent the last several days with, are little more than "the people who live in the computer."  

However, my husband, daughter and therapist;  my own personal cheer leading squad, knew better.  Granted, I wasn't sure I had enough Xanax to get through the initial face-to-face meeting (although on the drive down, and especially once we crossed the VA state line, I was so anxious and filled with nerves that I had to pull over three times so I could throw up...), with the women who turned out to be amongst some of the most beautiful people I've ever had the privilege of meeting; it didn't end up being an issue at all.

Here I sit, six days after my journey began, with my fur babies curled around my feet (well except for Griffy, who decided he was either so pissed off that I'd left in the first place, or overjoyed that I had finally returned - that he brought me a squirrel.  Um, a metabolically challenged squirrel if you get my drift!), the Little Imp sacked out on the sofa with what we hope is only a nasty summer cold (fever of 102F, cough and general yuckiness has enveloped my little curly haired angel.), and the whir of a fan gently blowing behind me; trying to absorb everything and put into words how much this experience meant to me and how much it moved me.

How does one begin to convey images, faces, laughter, experiences, new friendships and the excitement and lingering sense of bliss from those things that are swirling around in her head in a hazy mixture of happiness and exhaustion?

In the next couple of days I hope to do that...to try and share with you some of what made this past weekend so memorable and given me a glimps into a life that I didn't think ever had a chance in hell of existing for me again.  A life filled with smiles, laughter, silliness; a life filled with new friends and new experiences and most of all, a life lived outside of the confines of my own home and the shackles that have kept me chained inside myself for far too long.

I can also tell you that we will be returning to Mathews, VA in the very near future.  Why is that you ask?  I think this photograph answers that question pretty succinctly.

Any young man that offers to move a little closer to you in order to be the first to be stung by the jellyfish in order to keep you from being stung, well, he's worth visiting again, especially since the beautiful young lady (Megawatt) had already been stung pretty severely, earlier in the afternoon.  More about that over the next few days.

BlogFest and the memories it gifted me with are an indelible reminder of life and how very worth living it is! Thank you Chesapeake Bay Woman, Big Hair Envy, and everyone else who attended and made this experience so memorable and such an extraordinary reminder that there are still beautiful people left in the world.

On the Road Again...

...I can't wait to get on the road again.

OK now that I've stuck you all with that lovely little Willie Nelson earworm, if you're reading this then that means that I am indeed in the Jeep headed due south and I didn't come down with Ebola virus, ear mites, whole-body paralysis, or whooping cough which would have prevented me from leaving.  Although I do still have cheese-grater foot and at this point I'm beginning to think Ebola would have been preferable.

I've got this bad boy scheduled to publish around 8AM this morning and by that time we should be around the Boston area, so if you're in the vicinity, wave. I'll try and wave back.  I might live-tweet the whole thing or would that be tacky?  Hey wait, "tacky" is my middle name.  And just so we're clear on this, I will not be tweeting whilst driving, OK?  So don't get your knickers in a knot over that.

As I type this, I am staring at the sleeping Godiva next to me and taking time to be grateful for my clean kitchen.  Megawatt had Zack and Paul over for dinner and she cooked a veritable seafood feast.  Lobster, salmon, crayfish, and all the fixins!  And despite the mess afterward, she and the two young men cleaned EVERYTHING up, and I do mean everything. 

They cleared the counters, washed every single dish, ran the dishwasher, and then swept and sharked (steam mopped) the kitchen floors...

 

...and fought over who got to shark the floors next!  Yeah,all that foggy stuff?  That's steam.  I can personally vouch for The Shark.  It's awesome.  Even a couple of 19 year olds agree. 

I can't even begin to tell you how huge a weight that is off of my shoulders.  I have been stressing all day long about every little detail of this trip, succumbing to the weight of the mommy-guilt for leaving the Little Imp for six days, and not wanting to leave a messy house.  I was so touched that these three young adults took the time to take care of this so it was one less thing I had to worry about.  Now I can get on with obsessing about meeting the total strangers who live in my computer that I "talk" to on a regular basis.  I can obsess about my weight, my hair, my fat cheese-grated feet which, I've just noticed, happen to be sporting two entirely different shades of nail polish on my toes.  But ya know what?  I don't care. 

One thing I will NOT be obsessing about is my fingernails.  Whilst not gorgeous, I haven't bitten them in TWO ENTIRE WEEKS!  Go me!   I know it might seem inconsequential, but in my world, if I can conquer one demon (I realize it's only been two weeks), no matter how small, then maybe there's some hope of conquering the bigger ones that threaten to overwhelm me and drag me down.

Before I close this I wanted to let you know that the beloved New England Mamas is returning to the interwebs and yours truly is going to be among the editors.  I have loved NEM since I first discovered the little "community" we have out here and was crushed when they went on hiatus.  Not only are they coming back, bigger and better (and hey, there's going to be some testosterone thrown into the mix for fun!), I will be a regular contributor as well as one of the editors.  I'm looking forward to being amongst some very talented writers in this here blogosphere...women I've admired for some time.  And I get to be part of it!   I am so excited about the relaunch of NEM that I decided to go ahead and post something over there, because you know, even though I live in Maine, it's not all about the lobsters!

My Brain, She is all a'Flutter!

Take one 40 year old semi-reclusive mother, wife, and cat keeper, toss in a hyperactive (I mean that in the best way possibly Megawatt, love you!) 19 year year old daughter, put both into a gas-guzzling SUV and cram to the hilt with more clothing and crap than either will use in a 6 week period of time, let alone 6 days, shake well,  then drive 750 miles south to Blog Fest and you have the makings for a completely wired mama.

For instance, I actually went ALL BY MYSELF (I didn't have my typical security blankets with me, in the form of the hubby or Megawatt) to Target this afternoon and Chesapeake Bay Woman just happened to call me whilst I was standing in the checkout line.  My brain had been going a million miles an hour because I kept thinking of things I was likely going to need, things my hubby would need to keep the Little Imp occupied for 6 days and then I got sidetracked and stopped to think about how this was going to be THE FIRST TIME EVER IN HER SHORT 3 1/2 YEARS that I had left her overnight.  Then I had a little panic attack and almost backed out of the whole damn trip but recalled that several people would probably put a bounty on my head if I did. 

If all that weren't enough, as I was walking by the cosmetics and medicine aisles earlier, I remembered that the hubby needed some Nyquil as he's come down with a nasty head cold (of course, the DAY BEFORE I leave on my whirlwind road-trip!), and I needed some Neosporin+Pain Relief because I shredded the sides of my feet with my brand new PedEgg.  The pain radiating around the sides of each of my feet, which now resembles  blocks of Parmesan cheese at the Olive Garden, were painful reminders that my vanity has once again cost me.   Oh and that reminds me, don't let me forget to tell you about my other recent run-in with a body product.  Later though, OK?  If I start that story now I'll totally lose my train of thought and it's hard enough to keep that locomotive at the station as it is.

I grab the Nyquil (then I started to wonder if it was actually Dayquil he wanted, so I go back and get it too, just in case!), pinch some Neosporin+Pain Relief  (because that "+Pain Relief" is oh so important right now) off of an adjoining shelf, and then stop to text CBW to ask her how many people are going to be at Blog Fest because I have an idea for some schwag!  Mere moments later I  completely forget that I've texted her and stand there staring at the bottles of sunscreen and wonder if I bought sunscreen for the trip?  Thankfully I didn't get any because when I got home I discovered we have 5 bottles of the stuff.   I grab some other sundry items and head to the checkout stands and my phone rings.  I got a little excited because right there on my caller ID it said, "Chesapeake Bay Woman!"  Squeeeee! 

So I'm standing there talking to her and I feel around in the side of my purse for my cell phone and have a small heartastroke because I know I just had in my hot little hands and now I can't find it and I start to fear I might have left it on the shelf next to the Dayquil/Nightquil or perhaps did I set it down over by the Neosporin, or worse yet, I left it over by the CD's and surely some rotten, stinkin' teenager has stolen my gorgeous purple LG Lotus.  Shit!

Then it dawns on me, that thing I have pressed to the side of my face, that purple thing with the voice coming out of it that I'm not paying any attention to because I'm so pissed off that a nasty teenager has stolen my phone...HELLO!  I'm on my phone! 

Then I get home and see the state of chaos that my house is in and am nearly struck down by the paralyzing waves of guilt washing over me.  Dishes are in the sink, the counters are piled high with groceries that have yet to be put away, the toilets need to be scrubbed, the floors swept and vacuumed, and dear God the pain in my feet!

That m'dears, in a nutshell, is why my brain is all a'flutter.  I need a holiday just to recouperate just from getting ready for this holiday!

Road Trip! AKA Thelma & Louise Part II

I guess I need to preface this by letting the hubby know that; I'm pretty sure I promise, in the event Megawatt and I are pulled into a gas station and along comes Brad Pitt, we won't give him a ride.  No matter how much he begs, or makes puppy dog eyes at us or promises he's going to leave Angelina.  Nope, there won't be any room in the Barking Madmobile for Mr. Pitt.  No way, no how.  Now, doncha feel better hubby dearest?

Louise Megawatt and I are getting ready to take a road trip (we leave the 15th) and we're both in the midst of making lists (what to pack for instance, "Not every bloody thing you own!" the hubby chimes in!) and checking them twice and betting one another who's going to be naughty and which one will be nice.  Megawatt is of the opinion that she and I ought to have a huge "Mother-Daughter" bitchfest now and get it out of the way so that we don't maim one another on the long drive down to Blog Fest.   I think her idea has a bit of potential if I do say so myself.  I wonder if there is anywhere around here we can rent those sumo wrestler suits and just have a merry go at one another out in the back garden?

Why would we need to do that?  Because it's a long-ass drive, that's why.  See...

click to enlarge image

Yes m'dears, that's right, Mrs. Barking Mad will indeed be leaving the asylum for a short holiday with her eldest daughter to meet and enjoy the company of other awesome women like her, and her, and her too, along with lots of others.

Megawatt and I will be staying here (that's for all of you creepy internet stalker types who want to come and prey on an overweight mom and her cute daughter), in this cute little room...

 

...Although, we won't be spending much time in there because Chesapeake Bay Woman and Big Hair Envy have so many awesome things planned for us, which is a good thing.  I reckon Megawatt and I would get on one another's nerves, cooped up in that little ol' room.

There was a fair amount of back-peddling on my part; trying to think of ways I could get out of this, but between my shrink, hubby and eldest daughter, they've all decided this will be a good thing for me and to just shut the hell up and quite whimpering to go and enjoy the time with Megawatt before she leaves for the Air Force.

Having said all that, my To-Do list, much like the others attending Blog Fest or even those attending BlogHer '09 in Chicago (I swear, if I have to read another post from a woman who weighs all of 105lbs soaking wet, about how she needs to lose "a ton" of weight before Blog Her, I am going to stab myself in the eye!),has a few things on it, which I imagine, are not too dissimilar from theirs...

Lose weight
Become interesting/humorous/less boring
Learn witty anecdotes
Become less paranoid and self-conscious
Learn how to immunize myself against "Foot in Mouth" disease
Bribe doctor into Rx'ing double dose of Xanax

However, I am going to make a valiant effort to keep all my inner bullshit to a minimum, enjoy myself and not worry too terribly much about what everyone else is thinking of me.  Besides, I really need to be able to focus on the important things like, where the hell am I going to pack all the non-essentials when the things like wine, beer, bottled water, and bug spray are going to take up most of the room?  And we can't forget the huge issue of "Road Trip Music" when you have a 40 year old and a 19 year old taking turns at the wheel.  Seriously, I don't know how much Screamo crap I can handle before I'll make Megawatt pull over so I can strangle her, and alternatively, I don't know how much Depeche Mode, Pachabel, Midnight Syndicate and Rob Zombie she'll be able to handle before she begs me to let her walk the rest of the way to Chesapeake Bay.

For those of you reading this who are my fellow Blog Festites (I was going to say "Blog Festers", but somehow that brought about a mental image of festering boils...ewwww!), here we are...Thelma and Louise, reincarnated...

Brad Pitt will be jealous (or perhaps grateful!) he didn't hitch a ride with us.

P.S.  Don't forget about the AWESOME Keurig giveaway!  Get your entries in!