Have we all had enough drama? What, you aren't sure? Well, now that I've opened my mouth, just give it a day or two and I'm sure something else will crop up that will set the blogosphere's collective tongue's a waggin'. Oh wait, this is BlogHer week isn't it? Well 'nuff said there. I'm sure some pretty incriminating photos will make the rounds, if not incredibly hilarious ones.
Seriously though, I've had enough hate mail and tales of trolls and plagiarism to fill my need for salacious gossip for quite a while, Mmmk?
I wanted to preface this post by making it perfectly clear that I don't want to ruffle any feathers out there or offend anyone. There are so many wonderful writers out there who chose to use blogging as a platform to make an impact. That's awesome and I'm not slamming it, as a matter of fact, a couple of you are my favourite writers, (I'm trying to steer clear of the term mommy-bloggers for a while because it's obvious some of you have mad skillz when it comes to writing and I think "mommy blogger" while not inherently negative, removes any hint of genuine talent you possess), and it would bother me to think I'd insulted you.
What I hope this post does is perhaps initiate a dialog between moms who parent differently, make alternative choices that someone else might not make, but yet who all have the same goal...to raise happy, healthy, well adjusted children who go out into the world and will have become compassionate, productive adults. And maybe perhaps a couple of my peeps who have commented that I'm heading to hell in a hand basket because I am not currently going to church or worshiping a particular way will chill after reading this. Just remember, in the end it's all good. Word!
I had to laugh when I was thinking about how various sects of denominations in the Christian world tend to act like "My God is better than your God!" because I totally saw another bumper sticker in my near future..."My God Can Kick Your God's Ass!" The same can be said for mom's who get up in your grill about breastfeeding vs. formula feeding..."My breastfed kid is smarter and healthier than your formula fed kid!" I see a killer bumper sticker with boobies and bottles. I'm still a bit fuzzy on the wording though. Maybe I missed my calling. Perhaps I spent too much time on the air and should have been thinking up and marketing smart-ass bumper stickers.
I digress...
It never fails to boggle my mind, watching different denominations argue about why they vs. the other denomination are the right thing, no, the ONLY thing to belong to and means of practicing their faith and walk with God. Isn't the bottom line the same though? You wanna live a Godly, Christ-like life and get to Heaven? OK, maybe I've oversimplified it, but that's the gist, yes? Oh and the other biggie, you want to bring other people to love and know Jesus and ask him to be their Savior? So how on earth can that be accomplished with all this in-fighting, backbiting, name calling and divisiveness? I don't get it. Well let me be brutally honest here. I just don't get organized religion. My issues with organized religion have preceded the biggest spiritual crisis of my life and whilst that's neither here nor there, it doesn't help when trying to come to some sort of conclusion on my own, of exactly where I stand.
Sometimes I just wanna say; "OK, ya'll can just bitch and gripe and moan and groan amongst yourselves because I've had enough of this, I'm outta here!" In the past, with the different churches I've attended I've not always been fortunate enough to come to that decision before feeling so ostracized from the general church body because I don't do things the way they feel I should.
Case in point. Years and years ago when I was dating Josh, Matt, Meg and Zack's father (who would soon become husband number one, but please, I try not to dwell on that) I went to an evening church service in which a special guest pastor came all the way from South Africa to speak and minister to those present. Let me just tell you, he must have been some kinda special because my former in-laws were ten different kinds of excited!
After the pastor dude spoke there was an alter call (now keep in mind, I came from a fairly reverent organized religion...OK I'll just tell you, I grew up Mormon but am no longer active. Don't ask questions because I'll tell you no answers. Just read!) and not being altogether too sure what an alter call was, I just followed everyone along for the ride. But I did this with what I felt was a genuine heart and desire to become closer to God.
We all stood around the alter whilst pastor dude walked around anointing people with oil and praying over them. And I was really trying to feel God's presence and get into things but I was distracted by every single other person DROPPING LIKE FLIES! I had never seen anything like this in my entire life. Not even before I was Mormon (we converted to the Church when I was nine) and was an Episcopalian. I was seriously starting to freak the hell out! As pastor dude got closer and closer all I could think about was not falling over and hitting my head and ending up in a coma and who in the hell was going to explain this to my mother and friends and why on earth was I there in the first place? I am not knocking it but it was just so incredibly foreign to my [then] almost eighteen year old mind.
Pastor dude eventually got around to me, prayed over me, anointed me and I'm waiting, waiting to fall over, to drop like so much wet laundry off a clothesline, waiting, waiting... oh wait, I feel something, nope was just a sneeze. And then.... nothing! Not a damned thing happened. Hello God, it's me Audrey, where are you?
I was the only person left standing. Talk about feeling like a butt-naked stripper walking into the wrong room at a bachelor party, only to find herself standing in front of a nun's convention! So of course I immediately thought something was wrong with me, and that somehow I was not good enough in God's eyes. I could feel the awkward stares and glances from those who hadn't gone up to the alter call. I also knew that my ex and all of his family knew I wasn't laid out, semi-conscious on the floor! Score one for not scoring any points with the future in-laws.
In the years since then, I have come to a reconciliation of sorts in regards to my personal spiritual relationship. It works for me. Well aside from this little old spiritual crisis I'm having now. But, I was saying, I do what works for me and try to make the shattered remnants of my own soul feel good. I try not to make others feel like I once felt for not doing things the way I feel work best.
I've been in so many churches and other assorted religious gatherings over the last twenty years and everyone has their own way of doing things, but what I don't understand is why everyone always has to think their way is the best and only way to do things. Um HELLO....that kind of thinking hasn't gotten us anywhere in a couple thousand years and it's disparate and sometimes even discriminatory. Does that make sense? It's a little maddening. It's also sad because this kind of thinking and misplaced zealousness does little more than serve as a tool to alienate those you want to reach. I've heard people say that if you weren't baptized by full body immersion than you weren't really baptized, or if you don't partake of some representation of sacrament/communion then you aren't really partaking of the body of Christ. My own mom is Jewish and I'm not. Do I think she's going to hell? Not on your life. I know she's a good person and to me, that's all that matters.
So now lets take motherhood, a subject near and dear to most of my readers hearts. Even if you aren't a mother, you've had a mother, so I'm sure, on some level, you can relate. Or at least see the parallel I'm trying to draw. I hope.
With the availability of information on the Internet and all the assorted pregnancy, childbirth and parenting forums it's become easier to gain exposure to different parenting styles and philosophies. It's also become easier to call out those who do not parent the same way you do and attempt to make them feel inferior or that their child is somehow not receiving the best because the choices you make are not in line with theirs. Nowhere is this more evident than in the debate between breastfeeding and formula feeding. It's often a hotly debated topic within online parenting communities with the two sides drawing very distinct lines in the sand.
I think we've all seen it before, someone trying to impress upon a pregnant mom who isn't quite sure she's going to breastfeed vs. formula feed, the advantages of breastfeeding...but it doesn't end there. The mom-to-be is then inundated with study after study packed with statistics of this, that and every other benefit of breastfeeding and pitfall of formula feeding. It often times gets to the point where it goes from sharing information to indoctrination laced with implications of not wanting or doing what's best for your child because you may opt to use formula.
As a personal aside, I have both formula and breastfed my children. Hell, I'm still breastfeeding the Little Imp (occasionally). However, because of a medication change, whilst we were originally planning on letter her go until she was three, we are going to have to force wean her in a matter of days. Not looking forward to that. My point is, all of my children have been healthy. For me personally, breast is best. But I'm not inside your head, or your life, so I can't make that call for you. If asked, I'll tell you why I chose to breastfeed and you can take the information and do with it as you please.
A lot of mothers I have interacted with on various message boards take it up as their sole mission in life to "educate the uneducated" when it comes to breastfeeding, baby-wearing, attachment parenting and uber-hot topics like CIO...Crying It Out. Often times the discussions turn from an informal exchange of ideas and information into a witch hunt, calling people who use the CIO method, Child abusers and accusing them of neglecting the infant/baby/toddler. It's the same with spanking vs. not spanking, and to vaccinate vs. not vaccinating and repeat c-sections vs. vbacs. We now have women telling other women that if they had to have a c-section, they were "birth raped." Having had FOUR sections myself, I can't tell you how much that gets under my skin. Yes, I'm aware of the stats. But I think the term "birth raped" is offensive in the extreme. But hey, that's just my opinion! And it's been formed because I have had very good experiences with all of my babies. Others might not see things the same and I can respect that.
I've heard many people refer to these kind of heated debates as "Mommy Wars" and you know, they're right. That's exactly what it's become.
Once again I'm left sitting there, shaking my head and saying; "Alrighty ya'll, I'm out. Have fun tearing each other down and making asses of yourselves!" I simply don't understand how accusatory discourse and alleging someone is abusing their child because they parent differently is helpful, much the same way that battling over different religious choices over the past two thousand years has led to wars, bloodshed and a general division amongst those who make other choices. How many wars have been fought over religion? Too many to count. And now we have mothers on one side of the line making every endeavor to have formula banned or at least, available only via prescription.
I guess I just don't see where any of this gets us. I'm not suggesting we all put down our Bibles and bottles of formula, bear our breasts and our souls and sit around holding hands singing Kumbayah. Please! But then hey, if that torques your motor, be my guest. I'll be the one sitting over here breastfeeding her toddler, protected from prying eyes under the hooter-hider.
I guess my point to this long, semi-lucid and quite possibly incoherent ramble is this...No one way is the ideal or "perfect" way. We've all been raised differently and come to the table with our own preconceived notions of right and wrong, good and bad and carry strong impressions of how we were raised, into our own families.
There's room on both sides, be it motherhood or religion, to allow some leeway and tolerance. Much like the young man who leaves home for college a fully vaccinated, circumcised child, the product of Bible-belt Baptist parents who formula fed him, comes home years later an adult, and a parent at that, who via education and dialog with others returns as a Seventh Day Adventist, who chooses not to circumcise his son and whose wife has decided to breastfeed until the child weans himself and as parents have made the joint decision to forego vaccinations. Are his own parents going to see the boy, now a man, as any less of a person, inferior in any way? His son is happy and healthy and well cared for...and above all else, is loved deeply.
In the end, that's ALL that really matters. You love your children deeply and make the choices you feel are best for them. You love your soul deeply and you worship in the manner you feel is best for you.
So mah peeps...hopefully you don't think I've gone off the edge. Was just in a very "thinky" mood today.
Word!
