Barking Mad

Barking Mad Needs a New Tagline!

First things first...Barking Mad has it's very own domain!  So, if you're still coming here via a bookmark or typing in that long-ass address, you can simplify it by simply bookmarking, or adding it to your reader...yeah, yeah, don't forget to do that too!  I'll update Feedburner and you can resubscribe if you'd like to do that too!  

www.iambarkingmad.com

A couple of months ago I mentioned a site redesign and a move.  Well, right now, less is more.  Less work in particular and certainly less stress.   I don't want to deal with the hassle of having to completely move the site in addition to everything else going on here at the asylum.   I am also the first to admit that I lack any sort of technical or geek gene that would enable me to deal with some of the headaches that come with self-hosting and a complete overhaul versus the simple (and I do mean simple!) cosmetic touch-ups that I'm going to be slapping up on the old girl.  A nip here, a tuck there.  

Finally, the folks at TypePad / SixApart have been incredibly helpful with everything as it relates to hosting my blog. No question has ever been too stupid or redundant for them and when I tweeted my frustrations I had someone email me immediately and pretty much hold my hand through the occasional hiccups that I've experienced.  Thanks Ginevra!  It's hard to walk away from that kind of customer service.  So, I won't.

Next up...Barking Mad needs a new tagline.  The blog has become more than just "Musings from a British-American Family" and I want the new tagline to reflect that.   I've come up with a few suggestions on my own and put them in a poll, along with an option to suggest one of your own if you're feeling creative and funky, or just funky, or simply creative or just think that mine suck and you can come up with something better! Just leave your suggestion in the comments.   So, let 'er rip!

I'm going to leave this up through Saturday morning'ish and then close it.  I'd like to have the new banner (it's similar to what's up there, just updated and redesigned.  I couldn't find any genuine insane asylym photos I could incorporate - which is sad, because I really wanted to.) up by Sunday along with the new tagline.

Oh and before I forget, I'm going to be importing all of the old posts from my very first blog, AmeriBrit Baby, which chronicled my pregnancy, Gaby's birth and the hubby's final move to the states from the UK.  

Could You, Would You, Should You - Blog Like No One is Reading?

I have been chewing on this subject for a while now...blogging with complete abandon and letting it all hang out.   I lay in bed, restless, and ask myself whether or not I could blog with little concern as to who is reading and say what's actually on my mind or pour out the contents of my heart and not care about what someone might think?  This topic has been rolling around in my brain like two marbles in a tin can rolling down hill since I started working on the "Mommyblogging - Art or Exploitation?" project.  Some of the feedback I received over the course of the last several months has brought up the subject of blogging with complete abandon and it caused me to think about how I myself, blog.

I've seen varying opinions on what topics are passe' for blog fodder and things that other people would openly talk about that others feel would be crass or show little regard for their readers.  Of course, I'm taking into consideration the fact that there are things we'd never share (or there should be) with the outside world.  Things that belong to no one but our families and our souls...

I suppose that opens the door to another question...do you blog/write solely for yourself or do you write for those who read your blog...your audience?

To be completely honest, I wish I did. I wish I wrote completely and only for myself.  I wish I could write from the depths of my battered soul and share with you, parts of my life that I keep closed off from everyone else out of fear of being judged.  However, if I did really blog from my heart, especially at times in my life when I feel the need to write it all out and give myself the  cathartic release that writing often times is for me, here are some of the things I would say.

• I'm tired of the constant harping on one another that we women do.  You know what I'm talking about.  It's especially prevalent out here in Bloggywood.  We constantly tear one another down for not making the choices we feel others ought to make.  These choices range from how we decide to nourish our infants be it breast or bottle, to how we parent them; attachment or mainstream, how we educate our children, whether it's public or private education or homeschooling, how we decorate our homes, our political leanings, to how we blog and the things we choose to share with the world through our blogs.   Our words will be part of the great history we leave to our children.  Will your words give your children a sense of pride in their parent or will they leave them ashamed?

• Whilst we're on the subject of blogging, in general; what's the deal with the notion that your blog is worth reading only if you're read by the "A-List" blogging crowd and those same people leave comments on your blog?  Just what the hell defines an "A-List" blogger anyhow and who decides who gets to run with that pack?   I think it's terribly narrow-minded to limit yourself only to those who appear to be the popular and well-commented-on.  You're really missing out on some awesome writers by doing that.

• I hate being judged for how I appear on the outside.  The obese are the last class of people whom it's OK to say the most foul and thoughtless things to and to abuse.  Do you think I'm not aware of how I appear?  Do you think your words don't hurt or are you of the opinion that I am as unfeeling as you are because your words have to sink through more layers in order to reach their target?  You see me as slothful and lacking in any sort of willpower or self control.   I see you as ignorant and cruel.  And don't think I don't notice how you watch what I put in my shopping cart at the grocery store or the looks of pity you give my family when we're out together...those are two of the biggest reasons I hardly leave my home and probably the biggest reason you'll never see me attend huge blogging conferences like BlogHer '09.  I've read first hand what some women say about those who attend the conferences and there is no end to how they're judged.  There isn't enough Xanax or Lexapro to get me through a weekend where I'm constantly worrying about who's laughing at me and what will be said on the blogs of the anonymous bloggers who derive so much pleasure out of tearing down others.

• I wish Megawatt's paternal family could see what a beautiful young woman she's turned into and that through their cold and callous abandonment of her, they've lost a gem.   Do they care that they've  put her through hell for little more than the fact that she voiced an opinion that she might want to go and live with her mom?  How do they sleep at night knowing how deeply it cut her that they never bothered to call on her birthday, send congratulations when she was accepted into a great private college, or send cards on the holidays?  And then, when she decided to be the adult and call and tell them that she's joined the USAF, do you know what the first response from her paternal grandmother was?  "Oh so you've finally gotten sick of it out there have you?"  This from a family who promised to always be there for her and who claim to be such righteous Christians and live Godly lives.  If there has ever been a moment in my life where I've wanted to yell, at the top of my lungs, "Christianity, YOU'RE DOIN' IT WRONG!" in the face of a group of people, it's Megawatt's paternal family.   But I'll be damned if I'm going to lower myself to their level. 

If I blogged like no one was reading you'd most certainly see more posts from my heart, with more depth and more feeling and most certainly fewer photos and "soft" pieces about life here in the asylum with fluffy kitten posts filled with pictures of the feline inmates.  I'd not spend so much time caterwauling about any assumed or real talent behind the lens and work on the talent, the innate talent I possess, behind the pen/keyboard.

When it's all said and done, I think my own final analysis shows me that instead of using this as an outlet I'm using my blog as a place to hide from what's really going on inside me.

What about you?  Do you blog like no one is reading?

A Little Nip Here, A little Tuck There - Blogstyle

I have been sitting here for the past few days, trying to revamp the header and be brave enough to play with the CSS (now that's laughable, seeing as how we've already covered the fact that, serveral times actually, that I don't possess a single geek gene in my entire body!), in order to change how things link. 

The result?  Epic fail!

As a matter of fact, it was such a monstrous failure that I almost killed the blog altogether.  Thank God that after administering CPR, I was able to resucitate it and well, here we are.

As a result of all this tussleing with the blog, combined with several complaints from the peanut gallery about not being able to leave comments, or the blog not loading properly - I have decided to not just get a little bloggy facelift of sorts, but to move it entirely and go the self-hosted route.  Well, almost. 

Over the next few weeks I am going to be emigrating the Barking Mad Asylum over to it's own space, hosted on something as similar to a self-hosted platform as I can get.   This place will still exist, likely for the next few months until I get all the kinks worked out, but there will be a redirect.  I've had the domain, www.iambarkingmad.com for a while now, I just need to put it to use.

I just wanted to give a little heads up that things will be changing.  I hope I don't lose you along the way.   If the breadcrumbs I leave (would chocolate work better?) for you to follow along the way happen to get snatched up by greedy robins or the mean blue jays, just shoot me an email at iambarkingmad@gmail.com and I'll toss you a rescue float and haul you over to the other side.

In the meantime though, I still have some awesome giveaways coming up, including the Keurig Platinum Brewing System (You have no idea how much I want one of these for myself!), a huge gift card, and I should be wrapping up my research and interviews so that I can finally bring you the rest of the Mommybloggers - Expliotation or Art? project I have been working on.  I just had no idea there would be so much interest, nor did I have a clue that two local papers would be interested in picking it up either. 

Of course, it goes without saying, I'll still be here bringing you our almost daily hijinks, calamities, disasters, and the occasional heartfelt and sometimes poignant warblings from the asylum. Oh and the odd assortement of photographs.

Oh oh oh oh and before I forget...we are bringing another furry family member into the fold here at the asylum. Possibly two.  I'll post more about that tomorrow.  It's really pretty silly, but it makes me bubbly all over, like champagne, just thinking about it.

Prelude - Mommyblogging; Exploitation or Art?

For the past several months I have been fervently working on a piece about "Mommy-Bloggers", (are we all tired of that title?  Or are you still OK with it?), and the assertions that we exploit our children via either sharing personal stories about raising our children, (this can include day-to-day antics, habits, milestones, and just about any other thing you can think of that your kids do.), and posting photographs of them on our blogs, MySpace, Facebook, Flickr, Twitter, and just about any other social media outlet you can think of.

Over the past few months I've had the privilege of interviewing several people around the country from organizations including the FBI, the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, and Internet Crimes Again Children, to various psychologists and psychiatrists who deal with sexual offenders.  I'm grateful for the time and information I was granted by these individuals and will be forever appreciative for the service they perform in their various lines of work, all in the name of protecting our most precious assets...our children. 

On a lighter note, I'm also deeply appreciative for the extensive patience extended to me on behalf of those I've spoken with and interviewed because, in the interest of full disclosure, investigative journalism was not my major in college and is definitely not my forte.  I was a Broadcast Journalism major.  My experience is that of an on-air disc jockey and I occasionally submitted pieces where I interviewed the likes of Marilyn Manson, Rob Zombie, and others like Modest Mouse...not exactly the kind of material that intellectually challenged me or required me to dig deep into a subject of great personal relevance.   My personal writing comes from a place of love, humour, and sometimes pain.  So to move into an area where the topic can not only be potentially controversial as it relates to mommy-bloggers, but often times disturbing in regards to the things I learned about pedophiles, child pornography and the exploitation of our youth; I worry that I might not be adequately qualified, or possess the skills to write about something so important.  However, I am a writer; more than that though, I am a mother and I hope I can do this topic the justice it deserves.

This piece would not be complete without the input of the people, the parents, the writers and bloggers who comprise the community of the blogosphere.  So now I'm reaching out to you.  I want to know your own opinions on this topic.  I want to know what your limits are; the things you will and will not write or post about, What are your own concerns about images posted of our children and whether you think it constitutes a risk, and whether you think, down the line, our children may read our words about raising them - those shared experiences we can all relate to and commiserate with, and will it cause them any undue stress, pain, or as some allege, years spent in a therapists office trying to come to terms with mommy writing about potty-training difficulties?  I used potty training as only one example but in all honesty, there are myriad things we all write about that some in the blogosphere claim exploits our children either for profit or popularity.

Over the next two weeks I hope to gain enough feedback from you to fully round-out this piece and publish it, barring any further disruption of the Maine power grid or TypePad digesting my drafts!  Feel free to leave me your thoughts and opinions in the comment section of this post, or you can email me at iambarkingmad (at) gmail (dot) com.   I really look forward to your own contribution to this, and your thoughts on something that is important to us all.

Wanna Swap? ***WE HAVE A WINNER***

CONGRATULATIONS To Wendy from Ruen's on the Run!  She is the winner of the Wanna Swap contest! 

READ THE ENTIRE POST...There's a contest at the bottom!

It's no secret that the economy sucks right now.  Even if you inhabit the upper income levels (aside from the stratosphere where the likes of Oprah, Bill Gates, and Warren Buffet hang out), you're probably feeling it.  Regardless of where you sit in terms of income level, you're probably well aware of the downturn and it's probably affected you in some way, be it small or large.  Maybe you've cut back on eating out, Friday nights at the cinema, daily Lattes at Starbucks, or are switching from brand names to generics. 

For us, it's been a combination of a lot of things.  With the added expense of almost full-time Montessori for the Little Imp, (whilst I sort through my issues), and added co-pays for my therapy and the huge jump in our heating oil costs, (last year we were spending about $125 a month for heating fuel oil which is the more common method of heating homes here in New England, we're spending roughly $425 a month now.  OUCH!), the economy has hit us pretty hard and I'm no longer as confident as I once was about our future financial stability...a sentiment that millions of families across the country share right now.  It didn't help that shortly after we bought our home in July of '07, the town tax assessor re-evaluated and adjusted property values and our property taxes almost doubled! 

The hardest thing for me to have to halt almost immediately was spending on the Little Imp and Megawatt.   It wasn't uncommon for me to get the Little Imp an entire new wardrobe every few months.  I'd throw new stuff at Megawatt too, be it clothes, make-up, or shoes.  I love shopping for my girls.  I sign up for all of the email advertisements as well....Gymboree, Children's Place, Hot Topic, Macy's, GAP, Juicy Couture...you name it.  If they are having a sale, and I can get it online, I'm all over it.  Back in the good old days when I didn't mind going to the mall, the folks at Gymboree knew me by name!  That's how bad it was.

Not any more!

Now I'm trying to find ways to keep my toddler, who happens to be growing like a weed (don't they all?), in clothes.  I've been browsing Ebay and Craigslist but to be honest, I don't get the whole Ebay thing and having to get up close and personal through people on Craigslist kinda scares me.  Frankly, some of the prices and starting bids for kids stuff on Ebay is a little outrageous.  I understand that everyone is trying to make a buck where they can, but come on!  I'm not going to pay almost the same price for a pair of tights on Ebay that I can get locally at Gymboree!  Totally defeats the purpose.

I was literally sitting here with our budget last week, trying to figure out how to robb Peter to pay Paul so that I could get the Little Imp a few more pair of jeans and some sweaters, not to mention snow boots that didn't pinch her feet, and still manage to pay the electric bill and make sure there was enough money left over for groceries.  I was about to give up when I got an email from MommyPie telling me all about this fantastic new website she was starting.  I immediately fell in love with the concept behind Swap Mamas.   I also knew, despite having shipped a box the size of a small European car to my little sister Amanda, who just gave birth to her first baby girl, that I still had so much stuff from Imp's babyhood and early toddlerhood that was in wonderful shape and could benefit someone else.

Here are just a few of the catagories...

New (or Nearly)

Kids Books & Movies

Toddler Clothes 18-24M

Cloth Diapers Etc.

Kids Clothes 3T

Baby Bed & Bath

Sports Gear

Artsy-Craftsy  (I know there are at least two or three die-hard scrappers that read Barking Mad! so get out there!)

...those are just a few of the catagories/groups that you'll find out there! 

Sure...I could put this stuff on Ebay or Craigslist and try to make some much needed money.  I could even bag it up and take it to Goodwill or Salvation Army, itemize it all, and wait for a receipt so that we could deduct it on next year's taxes.   But ya know what...?  I like the idea behind Swap Mamas a lot better.  I like the fact that even if I don't find an ideal swap, I know that eventually I will, and I also know that someone out there who maybe I only know through the blogosphere - is going to get a lot of use and probably be grateful for whatever I send.

You don't always have to "swap."  You can just give...but the more you give, eventually the more you'll get.  Right now though, giving just feels better to me and I'm happy to support MommyPie's brilliant idea! 

Now, because I am soooo in lurve with this idea, here's the deal.  Go out to Swap Mamas.  Join. Then, go back your very own little bloggy space and post about it.  Nothing major.  Even if it's only a paragraph.  Just post something about it.  Even if you're already a member, you can still enter.  Just post about it!  Eventually, through word-of-mouth, I'm quite certain that Swap Mamas will be huge and have vast quantities of stuff to swap.  Once you've joined and created your post, come back here and leave me a comment along with the url (just cut and paste, I'm too lazy right now to create a Mr. Linky for this.), and on Tuesday at 8:00PM EST the Little Imp will pick the winner.  What will you win?  So glad you asked!

• One month subscription to NetFlix
• $15 Borders  Gift Card
• $15 Starbucks Gift Card

Oh and if you don't have a blog, just send out an email letting your mommy (even your daddy!) friends know about Swap Mamas.  Just be sure to cc/bcc me too - iambarkingmad (at) gmail (dot) com -  and I'll enter you in the drawing for the contest!

Good luck and get swappin'!

THE FINE PRINT - Void where prohibited...which really is just my fancy way of saying that if I've had sex with you,  you gave birth to me, if I gave birth to you,  if you are a sibling (rivalrous or not), or in any, way, shape, or form related to me, nanny nanny boo boo, you can't enter the contest. 

A Win and a Discovery

As I sat down Wednesday morning to read my e-mail, all the while trying to maintain a Herculean effort to stay awake, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I'd won a recent giveaway hosted over at Bird on a Wire. So much for needing any caffeine, which thanks to Roy, has been crossed off my list of guilty pleasures anyhow. 

Now fully wide awake, I clicked back over to Bird's site and confirmed that yes, I was awake and not still dreaming, and I had indeed won the 25th Anniversary Edition Cabbage Patch Doll! Santa will be happy to hear this as that's one more thing he need not bother weighing his sleigh down with!  I decided, seeing as how I was there, I'd take a look around Bird's page as she's done some recent remodeling of her site and associated pages.   I had no idea she had a "Review" site as well and clicked over.

Bird's Eye Views is dedicated to reviewing products geared towards moms, families and kids of all ages.  I was pleased to even find a review of Greenies.  We've been thinking of trying these with Casey as he occasionally suffers from the worst breath imaginable, especially after snacking on chipmunks and moles.  Blech!

If you haven't already been out to Deb's main site, Bird on a Wire, head on over there and be sure to catch the latest from Bird's Eye Views as well!  You won't be sorry you did.

The Post In Which I am Long Overdue in Paying it Forward

Suckitude. 

That's what my life has been all about lately.  If I'm not worrying about what color to change my hair , I'm raging about my, well, about my raging hormones or I'm bitching at the dog to,  for the love of God, stop licking his nuts/eating leaves/being a cute-as-hell pain in my ass.  My mom used to say, and I quote; "Audrey, you'd bitch if you were hung with a brand new rope!" She's right. 

Add to it that I'm depressed (it's hard to admit, but the Zoloft ain't working, I fear it's time for the big guns, although I have no idea what the hell the "big guns" might be) and about to send my oldest daughter off to college and deal with all the change (and tears and apprehension and worry and general obsessing over every bad thing that can happen while she's off doing her own thing (You'd better be STUDYING!) in her little dorm room.) that her leaving will entail.   All that adds up to big fat SUCKITUDE! 

So it came as a huge surprise to me that someone actually thought me worthy of some bloggy goodness in the form of a couple of awards.  Seriously.  I know, I thought the same thing too!  Me?  Are you sure you mean me? 

Apparently they did.  I'm totally gobsmacked and completely flattered.

MommyTime over at Mommy's Martini awarded me this little gem.  I look up to her in so many ways and I think she's brilliant.  Seriously.  So I was shocked that she thought enough of me to give me this.

                                                

Then it came as a total shock to me that Beej over at The Bean plopped this one down in front of me. The lovely Artey Pico award.  Like Woahhhhhh!  I'm not worthy!  SERIOUSLY!

                                                

Beej, dude, are you for real?  Because I'd totally understand if maybe you'd meant to give me this instead...

                                             

This is where the real "suck" factor comes in.  I am supposed to pay this forward to other well deserving bloggers.  Bloggers who make a difference, who are creative, inspiring, and all around wonderful people...the kind of people you wouldn't mind barfing on at big huge girly blogger type conferences, because you know they'd be pretty cool about it.   

Herein is where my problem lies.  I suck at this networking thing and there are a lot of women out there who are wonderfully gifted and talented writers but they don't know me from the man in the moon.  But I read them, adore them from afar and hope that if I ever do actually leave my house one of these days and make it to that big girly-blogger conference, that I'll have the nerve to say hello, and totally NOT barf on them!  Give me Marilyn Manson, Steven Tyler or Tim McGraw any day of the week and I can handle them no problem(and I have!)...put another writer in front of me, someone who is so adept at conveying their story, at articulating their written thoughts so that it ends up like wonderful music,  and I'm all mumbles and fumbles and a big hot mess!

I've pretty much kept my circle of women I'm close to in this community, smallish.  But then I keep hearing about how you have to reach out to those in the community, get to know them, learn from them, etcetera...  Well, I'm pretty sure they already know of their own greatness and don't need some nib-nose nobody from Squat City, Maine ladling heaps of verbose praise over them and asking them if they wanna be my friend, check yes or no.   So it should come as no surprise that when it comes to leaving comments on posts of theirs that I think rock, it comes out sounding like, "That was like, um, ah well, great, totally funny, um, errr, well, gosh that was swell..."  It's like trying to talk with a mouthful of marbles.  I end up having severe performance anxiety and then don't even bother leaving comments.  If I was a dude, it would be the perfect time for some Viagra.

I do have a point, and I'm actually getting there.  I just decided to take the scenic route.

I guess the bottom line is that this is all about connecting with others, despite writing styles, parenting preferences, lifestyle choices or whether you wipe your ass with your left hand or your right hand (I'm a righty by the way, just sayin')...And I have been doing a piss-poor job of connecting with other women and even some men out here.   Ya'll don't need me to laud your praises.  But I am genuine when I say that I'd love to learn from you and eventually get to know you. 

But for now, my circle of writers is small (but they are amazing and gifted and such talented writers), and I adore them and talk about them constantly and I'm going to talk about them again.  And who knows, maybe I might grow a pair eventually and enlarge my circle of friends out here.  But until then, these are women who have reached out to me, despite the fact that I am a cranky old bitch, and helped boost my confidence, shared personal stories with me, are creative as hell, inspire not only me, but others, and who make a huge difference in the blogging community.   I'm giving you all BOTH of the awards...because really I do love ya'll that much!

Mommy Pie because she is about as real as it gets and she genuinely wants to keep this brilliant luv-in thing  she's created, going. She wants to help us all connect and find other great writers out there and help them connect to the rest of us.   She's gifted and such a wonderful soul.  I love reading her tweets about the time she spends with her daughter MP, and her posts about her tractor lovin' mama!  Good stuff folks, good stuff!

McMommy herself from the McMommy Chronicles.  She's hilarious, smart, the mastermind behind POW which in turn has introduced me to some other really awesome writers.  She's someone who I'd totally go shoe shopping with!

San Diego Momma is beautiful, and a furiously talented writer.  She encourages me and has inspired me to reach deep down inside and unlock some of that passion and put it into my writing. 

BeJewell Simply because she's going to take over the interwebs and kick Al Gore in the nuts and tell him where to take his "I invented the interwebs."  She's fucking (I couldn't write something about her and NOT use that word, just wasn't possible!) hilarious, in your face and deals with dog crap in the middle of her kitchen floor with some serious mad skillz!  If I were a stray dog, I'd definitely head to her house.  But alas, I'm not a stray dog...but Beej, would ya still let me sleep on a little pillow next to your bed? I promise I won't crap on your floor and then disappear.

Bird on a Wire is one of the most generous souls I have recently  come to know out here in the blogosphere.  She's always the first one to offer help when I ask really stupid questions on Twitter, and she's got some killer recipes that she is always willing to share.  She is a wealth of information about all sorts of web-related goodness.

And last, but certainly not least...

KD at A Bit Squirrelly To know KD is to love KD.  Word.  I can say that because KD and I have been through the shit on message boards and in real life.  We've broken bread at Olive Garden and are now planning the nuptials of my beloved Little Imp and her blond darling, Bardolf.   She's new to the blogosphere but she's funny and she has such a way with words, especially asshat and dumbass.  She rocks the socks off those words.  So head out there and show her some love.  And don't give her any grief about her one-headed kid with the gravel burns.  I'm sure CPS will be knocking on her door soon enough.  Just kidding KD - I love ya!

Hopefully the plague of Suckitude will leave soon and I'll be a little less bitchy, a lot happier, and perhaps a lot less chicken-shit when it comes to jumping on the bloggy merry-go-round and hanging on for dear life.

The Place to Be!

                     

If you aren't going to this conference, then head on over to MommyPie's place because it is THE place to be this weekend.  Word!

I'm going to be representin' the great state of Maine with some Lobstahhhh! Oh and possibly teaching the fine art of how to be the Ultimate Comment Nazi.  Or not.

I can't believe I'm still sitting here on my ass!  I haven't packed a thing and I don't know which wholey jeans to pack with which wife beater tee.  Decisions decisions.   

Hell, I might not even pack a hairbrush. On second thought, yeah, I'd better.

I Am NOT a Nice Person

According to Steven that is.

Who is "Steven" you ask?   Some dumbass nice fellow who was concerned about a fellow blogger (in response to a shot I took at said blogger) and decided to email me and take it upon himself to call me out on what a meanie I am.

Under normal circumstances I wouldn't share the contents of a personal email I received.  But not only did this make me laugh and laugh and laugh and then fall on the floor laughing some more, I just couldn't get over the fact that someone actually wasted time emailing me about it.  Come to think about it, I've gotten three really bizarre emails lately.  One was asking me for advice.  You're thinking, "You?"  Yeah my reaction was the same.  I was gobsmacked that someone would email a complete stranger and ask for advice of the lovelorn kind.  Beej keeps begging me to share it with you guys.  Oh and I did check the header info on all three emails...all from different ISP's in different parts of the country.  Wow, I'm suddenly attracting all kinds of animal life.

If the sender was genuinely serious about it, then I'd look like a huge jackass taking the micky out on him.  Besides, dude, if you're reading this, I haven't got a clue how you should tell your girlfriend she needs to trim her nose hair.  My creative side says that perhaps you could get your Martha on and put a little basket together for her which includes some stuff us girls love...smelly lotions and sprays (hey, some edible body lotion might be an idea!) and then tuck in a personal nose hair trimmer? If that doesn't work for you, I suppose you could always just grow a pair (and not get laid for the next decade) and tell her that her nose hair is beginning to resemble Tom Selleck's upper lip and she ought to consider pruning it back some.  No?  Well, sorry, that's all I've got. 

The other email was one asking me why (emphasis on the senders part, not mine) I'm a recluse.  If I told you why, I'd have to kill you.  Not only would that be horribly unpleasant, but messy.   Rest assured though, it does not have anything to do with a GPS tracking anklet issued by my local authorities like my darling emailer asked. 

Now about this other email, the one where I am told I am NOT a nice person.  Because it made me laugh, I have decided it warrants sharing with you m'dears.  I have left all the typos and misspellings as they were in the original.

From:  Steven C.
To:  iambarkingmad
Cc:
Subject: You Are NOT a Nice Person!

Dear Barking Bitch:

You are very mean talking smack. You must be some kind of jealous talking like that about Black Hockey Jesus.  You aren't even worth the crap he picks off the bottom of his shoes.  I bet his blog could kick your blogs azz any day!

He's better than Dooce and could kick her azz on the trampoline.  You are just healous. You are a mean lady.  He has more readers thatn you do and is way more popular than you are.  Stop drinking the haterade.  At least he doesn not post pictures of cute fluffy animals and stupid little kid pictures drinking milk.  He has substance and grit.   You will never be Black Hockey Jesus so stop being a poser.

Show some love and not so much hate.

Well now, where to begin?

I guess I ought to explain his reference to BHJ.  A while back I linked over to his site from Beej's I think, and I actually left him a compliment.  He made a remark about wanting what Dooce has and I told him he already had a leg up on her. He was original, blah blah blah.  I can't remember it all verbatim.  Go over and look for yourself if you are really that curious.  My point is, I was DEFINITELY nice to Mr. BHJ.  He's a square peg, fresh out of the oven so to speak - blogging less than six months if memory serves, and already made a name for himself in a world of vaginas.  No small feat.

Anyhow it kinda annoyed me that he didn't respond to the comment.  And I'm not talking about a reciprocal visit over here.  Hell, sometimes I don't even have time to hit the sites of those that leave me comments.  I try to either email them or respond within the comments of the post of mine they hit, if I've got it together that day.  But still...sheesh! 

I went back to his site and read a bit more.  Yeah, it did occur to me that he's trying desperately hard to get Dooce's attention.  Whatever.  Not really a huge concern of mine.  It also occurred to me that he's kind of a jerk.  Big deal. Whatever.  And he seems to feed on others calling him an asshole.  Yeah well bad publicity is better than no publicity.  So, in yesterday's post about my house being on fire I made reference to him taking THREE things (he played along over at MommyPie's too) out of the burning building and tossed in a snarky jab for the hell of it.  Never did I imagine that someone would take up the cause and come riding to his rescue like a knight in rusty armor riding in on a donkey! 

Dude, something tells me that BHJ can defend himself if he wanted to.  I mean with all that substance and grit (by the way BHJ, I hope you have a good toothbrush, I hear grit can be a bitch to get out from between your teeth) and those mad trampoline skillz, well who am I to argue with that?

And about his blog kicking my blog's ass (if you're going to spell it, could you at least spell it out rather than using some stupid MySpace colloquialism?).  Seriously,  BEST LINE I HAVE EVER HEARD!  You've got yourself some bumper sticker material right there! 

Why am I even giving this cretin the time of day?  Well, I'm doing what everyone tells me to do...I am responding to reader email!  Just doing it in a very public way.  Besides, when I started blogging four years ago, I never imagined I would have the opportunity to get into an bloggy brawl.  Fun times kiddies, fun times!

Steven, thank you, from the bottom of my cold black heart, thank you for pointing out what a meanie I am.  You have given me so much amusement this morning.  Now do yourself a favor and run along and wedge your nose back up between BHJ's butt crack where you seem to be most comfortable!

P.S. BHJ?  Amazingly beautiful post this morning. Brought a lump to my throat and a tear to my mean little eye.  And I'm not kissing ass - there's no room to do that anyhow, not with Steven's nose wedged so tightly up there!

Because the Laundry Has Reached Epic Proportions...

...and because I will be forced to go out and buy new panties because I haven't done the laundry in so long (or possibly worse, dig in long packed boxes for maternity underwear - you can't even call those things panties as they are big enough to double as a tablecloth!), I am going to leave you, my dear readers reader with some of my picks this week for best reads out there.  Seriously, if I don't get the laundry done, or at least make a huge dent in it, the hubby is going to go to work tomorrow wearing swim trunks and a novelty tee which says, "My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems."

The Bean

If you are a blogger, or a mommy, or even if you aren't a blogger or mommy and even if you don't possess a vagina, you MUST go read this post over at The Bean .  It hits home for a lot of us.  And even though Beej is still in denial about it, she has attained "It Girl" status.   She is definitely my flavour of the month.  Besides, she has a serious hate-on for that little red bastard, Elmo, from Sesame Street.  And we all know, there are no Elmo lovers residing within the walls at Casa Barking Mad.  Don't stop with just the one post...her follow up to it is just as brilliant! She's kinda like Lays Potato Chips, you can't eat just one!

Punk Rock Mommy

A vibrant and beautiful voice has been forever silenced as Andrea has now found peace after her year-long battle with Inflammatory Breast Cancer.   There are no words.  Simply put, you must go and read.  Have plenty of Kleenex because you will need it.  A genuine tribute to not only dying with dignity, but living with it.

Mommy's Martini

In her post, If Blogging Were Mothering , MommyTime poses some questions that we as bloggers/writers/mothers/women usually have to answer on a daily basis.  I urge you, if trying to attain balance between reading, writing and commenting is something you've thought about, to go and read this and share with everyone else, how you do it.  It will be interesting as time progresses to see how others find the balance and answer the questions she asks.  As always, another great thought-provoking read from Mommy Time.

OK m'dears, there you have it.  Your list for the day.  I've made it short for those of you with ADD/ADHD, because I'm just so considerate like that.

Now really, I must get on with tackling the mountain of laundry.  It's a dirty job (but not the kind Mike Rowe would want to come and chronicle/do for his show.  And that's probably good, because his secret  girlfriends,  KD  and MommyPie would come and bust a cap in my ass if he did. That doesn't mean I wouldn't enjoy watching him do my laundry) and unfortunately, I've gotta do it!

I leave you with a picture.  Had I sat there any longer, on the stairs beneath him, I fear he might have spat (or is it spit?) on me.  Griffy kinda creeps me out lately...especially now that I have first hand knowledge of what a lethal cold-blooded killer  he is.  He does come in kinda handy though, sitting up there like that with his funky looking tail...he dusts all my pictures for me.  So maybe I'll begrudge him the stray chipmunk or two.