It's been more than a while, it's been close to eight months since I last updated. So much has happened and so much hasn't happened that it's hard to know how to update anything.
Back when I last updated my weight, I was still dealing with a semi-serious knee injury and I was having a snit over cancelling my trip to Idaho in order to go to what was basically, fat camp.
I was told way back then that my knee would take time to heal and that I might have to have surgery. Well my knee has in fact gotten a lot better. 12 weeks of physical therapy turned into 6 months. My hamstring tendonitis is virtually gone and the meniscal tear is almost healed. However they eventually came to the conclusion that I have something called Plica Syndrome which is exacerbated by my weight. I still might have to have surgery but the huge caveat to any surgery is that my doctors want me to lose 100lbs before they do anything remotely related to surgery. Combine that with the fact that my immune system basically took a nosedive and it appears to be attacking all of my joints and causing massive inflammation (they have no idea what's causing it. My rheumatologist is nice, but at this point, clueless) and I've finally moved from simply knowing I need to lose the weight, to actually wanting to.
Fat people know they're fat . . . well most of the time anyhow. They know the smart thing, the healthy thing to do, is to make the necessary lifestyle changes. I think where we all screw ourselves is by trying to bargain ourselves into allowing more time to be obese and unhealthy - telling ourselves little lies that I call the 'Chris Christie Syndrome', "Oh I'm not sick yet. I can take my time losing weight. I'm lucky and still healthy!"
Just because we aren't shooting up insulin, or popping blood pressure pills, we automatically think that our fat isn't affecting us yet. Well, pardon my profanity, but frankly that's bullshit. There is no such thing as a healthy obese person. I know, you're going to tell me how you are 5'5" and weigh 250lbs and can run a 5K, hike Mt. Rainier, swim 20 laps at your local Y, and that your cholesterol level is a sane and reasonable 80. Give it time sunshine. Just like a pack of cigarettes every day catches up, and you start coughing up pieces of your lungs, eventually you'll notice your joints are deteriorating, your heart is about to beat out of your chest after you've climbed 6 stairs, of you go into a diabetic coma after pounding your second Coke of the day. But hey, don't take my word for it. It's not like I'm currently living this nightmare or anything.
Well here I am, I know I need to lose the weight and I finally, genuinely want to, but every single time I move, it hurts. Well hell yes it hurts. Moving around 350lbs of mostly fat with very little supporting muscle underneath it, hurts like a mofo. So I'm back to taking baby steps.
My doctors want me to go on MediFast but our insurance policy has an exclusion that doesn't allow coverage for any and all obesity treatment, and MediFast needs to be meidically supervised and it's pretty expensive to boot . . . about $500 a month for the shakes and meal supplements. Plus the other huge kink in my hose is the fact that I'm on massive dosages of Prednisone to control the inflammation, for the foreseeable future. While it's helping keep whatever is wrong with me, at bay, it also causes massive weight gain. In my case, while I'm almost 20lbs less than I was when I last posted my weight in August, it's been hellish trying to keep from ballooning to massive proportions again. Hence the reason my doctors feel like MediFast is my best bet. So I'm paying out-of-pocket to meet with a bariatric doctor I've seen before and with the help of his staff, is going to custom design a semi-liquid meal replacement system that is both cost-effective and healthy, that will also allow me to transition back into eating healthy meals, after I've lost 100lbs, and without re-gaining the weight that I've just lost. Who knows, maybe I won't have to have any further treatment for the Plica Syndrome and taking the first 100lbs off will be enough to keep further injury at a standstill.
Current Weight: 352lbs
Yes, I'm pretty disappointed. I do feel kind of stuck, but everyone in charge of making sure I can help myself get healthy, tells me it isn't forever, because I have control over whether it's forever or not. I'm promised it always won't hurt this bad to move. It will get easier.
Every day I take another step further than I did the day before. I mean that literally. Last week I started just by walking in my driveway. I'm still not supposed to do stairs because it's too jarring on my knee, but simple walking is fine. I'm also supposed to be in the pool 3-5 times per week. I came down with a bad case of the "I look heinous in this swimsuit so I'm not getting in the pool", so I haven't been getting in the damn pool! The idea is to walk and then spend an hour in the pool letting my joints rest, then 15 minutes in the whirlpool. While I haven't gotten into the pool I am able to walk halfway around my block. I start to get really sore if I push it much further than that.
Yes, I have deteriorated a great deal in the last eight months. I'm trying not to beat myself up. It doesn't do me any good to do that, plus I just end up feeling like the asshole that I'm acting like. I got myself into this mess and having a continual pity party, or acting like it's anyone else but my own fault just isn't cutting it any more. So, while I feel like I've physically and mentally atrophied over the last 8 months, it's not something that is preventing me from taking small steps, which will hopefully lead to larger and longer steps, and moving forward.
In other words, there are no excuses. None.
I'm dealing with all of the "emotional fat". I don't have anyone or anything to blame any more.
I am still going to chronicle this. I just am not sure in what form that chronicling is going to take. I'll always be honest about my weight and my struggles (I'll write more about some of the various "lifestyle" changes I have tried to adopt - such as the "Paleo thing", in the next week or so) but I don't know if I want to photo and document every meal, or just some meals, or no meals at all, and just post about my weight, and maybe toss up a vlog or two a week. At this point, I know that I will be using a meal replacement called "Unjury" (I have used this before, post-gastric bypass several years ago. I like it and know it works) for two meals a day and have a normal, healthy meal in the early evening. At this point, that's all I know for sure.
Do you guys like the whole photo-documentary style blogging like I used to do? Is it of any value to you? I can't see how photographing two shakes and one meal a day is going to be very interesting, but then what do I know. Oh, I do know that I can add frozen fruit and plain, non-fat greek yogurt to one shake per day. So there's that I guess.
As far as Idaho goes? I don't know about that either. I'm pretty sure, at this point, I'm not going to be cleared for something as intense as what Bobbie originally had planned for me. Maybe 100lbs from now? Who knows. I just want to get the weight off, then I can figure out the rest.
I want to give you a little fair warning. I have a couple of draft posts I haven't hit "publish" on, related to weight and being obese, and the general state of the obese in this country, because I was afraid of offending people and all the many ways we delude ourselves into thinking we really aren't that fat. In particular, I want to talk about this "Healthy at ANY Size" movement and how harmful I think it is, in particular to our children - children who are experiencing unprecedented obesity rates in America, rates so high that it's literally an epidemic. There's a discussion that isn't happening that desperately needs to happen!
Before starting any life-changing exercise or eating habits, please consult with your personal physician or other trusted medical professional.