Make Me Laugh Monday - The Real Life Tales of a Trauma Magnet

Eventually I knew this story would make it to the blog. I've had many people over the last ten years (it's taken me that long just to get over the humiliation and shame) ask me to republish it. So in honour of Make Me Laugh Monday hosted over at Absolutely Bananas I will share it with you.

This originally happened in April of 1999 (and was originally sent out via e-mail. I've taken the liberty to correct the MANY spelling and grammatical errors - hope I caught them all, from the original.), when I was living in Houston, TX and had moved down there, from Seattle via So-Cal, to work as air-talent (DJ) for KHMX. My family and close friends know that I hated almost every second of the nearly nine months I was in Houston. I was not enamored of Texas in general and just about every miserable thing that could happen to me, did! I hated living there so much that I almost kissed the feet of the general manager of a Clear Channel station in Columbus, OH who hired me away from KHMX. Of course we all know that Ohio wasn't much better for me, but at least there wasn't the kind of heat and humidity there, the cockroaches (the natives call them "wood bugs" Ha!), the storms (we all recall the storm where I was in the shower and the lights went out and...nevermind), the scorpions (ouch!), or the general lack of empathy that Texans exhibit for newcomers to their state.

So, without further ado m'dears, here is the event that earned me the dubious title of Trauma Magnet.

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Yes I, Auds, am stepping forward to admit that just Friday I was awarded this dubious distinction. Now it's not out of pride or a sense of accomplishment that I am sharing this with you - it's in hopes that you too won't find yourself glued to your steering wheel like I did early Friday evening...Think of it as a public service announcement.

This is what happened. I broke a nail Friday morning, but it was only about a quarter of the way into the side of the nail, BUT very far down, so that if I ripped it off, it would have hurt like a SOB. By the end of the day it was really bothering me and being Friday night, it was “date night!” It wouldn’t do to have an unsightly broken finger nail on date night! Especially not a date night where you are twenty nine years old (wow that was a long time ago!) and dating a (IcantbelieveIamgoingtoadmitthispublically) *gasp* nineteen year old. In my defense, this was only our third date and I didn’t find out until the fifth date that he was *gasp* nineteen.

I’m heading home to change, stuck in traffic on the Sam Houston Toll-Way and remembered that I had some industrial (meaning automotive) type "QuickTite" in my glove compartment. I don't recall why I bought it, possibly for use with my snowboard bindings (this was back before I discovered the awesomeness of step-in bindings). I thought that just a teeny drop of the lock-tite outta do the trick as I didn't have time to go to a beauty supply store and get regular nail glue.......Oh and folks, these are my real nails. Although I don’t know why it has any bearing on the disaster that was to follow, but somehow I felt it was important to point that out.

So, sitting there in traffic, in 95F and 90% humidity I decide that now would be the perfect time to try and fix my nail. I place my left hand, in particular the two last fingers on my left hand up on top of my steering wheel and opened the top of the lock-tite. This tube had a “precision tip” that is about the size of a pin head and the instructions say that you should place this very precision glue tip against the broken surface very gently and press till just a drop comes out.......I was doing that, and then disaster struck… I hit a pothole! Well the very precision tip became the "fix the crack in the Hoover Dam tip" and glue went EVERY WHERE...all down the sides of my fingers and in between my fingers. Instantly I saw what used to be my ring finger and pinkie finger become one finger and at the same time become one with my steering wheel.

I don't know if any of you have ever accidentally got this stuff (or even regular super-glue) on you or glued your fingers together while using it, but it's unreal how fast this stuff bonds. I'm talking speed-of-light!

OHCRAPWHATTHEHELLAMIGONNADONOW? I think I repeated that about ten times, in rapid succession, possibly hoping that it would magically unbond me from my steering wheel. At the very least from the steering wheel. I could manage the glued-together-fingers, but I wasn’t sure how the remaining 30 miles on the highway were going to go if I remained stuck to the steering wheel…30 miles that included twists and turns in the road. Lots of twists and turns.

Right about this time I'm approaching the toll booth and in the back of my mind I was thinking that as the toll booths are staffed mostly by females (don’t know why, but back then, that was my experience) maybe one might have some fingernail polish remover. I mean, it's possible, right?

Well, I get to the booth and it’s apparent that "Helga" who happily snatched my money out of my hand - the one that wasn't glued to the steering wheel, didn't have any nail polish remover and no evidence of fingernails anyhow. Not only that, but I know, based on the expression on her face, that she thought it was a tad odd that I was handing her the money with my right hand, over my left, and wouldn’t remove my left hand from the steering wheel. Well hun, I could not remove my left hand from the steering wheel…LITERALLY because I did a dumbass thing and am now bonded, LITERALLY with my steering wheel.

I get through the booth and merge back onto the highway, at one with my steering wheel, wondering how the hell am I going to get my fingers unstuck from the steering wheel with out leaving them attached to it?

Keep in mind I'm racing down the highway at close to 75MPH. That’s slow compared to most Texas natives… Then I spot an Albertsons grocery store off to the side of the freeway and decide to exit and see if there is anyway I can figure something out, even if it's just to sit in the parking lot and cry, because what else do you do, before a date, and you are glued to your steering wheel? I get into the parking lot and try to slide out of the truck, all the time attached and trying not to rip my fingers off my hand.

DING DING DING. *lightbulb going off over head* An idea comes to me. Finger nail polish remover! That might do the trick!

So I’m standing there, in 95F degree weather, 90% humidity, my big butt hanging out the drivers side door looking like I have an unhealthy relationship with my steering wheel. In my poor little brain I tell myself to just ask (meaning, BEG) the next person I see, to run in and get some fingernail polish remover. No biggie I assume.

Right about then a younger guy, maybe early twenties at the oldest comes walking by and I ask him if he can help me for a sec. He kinda looks at me funny and asks me what’s wrong, so I tell him very clearly and slowly – much the way a surgeon is explaining the cut he’s about to make to those around him, that I will give him a $10 bucks , out of which he can keep the change if he will run into the store and get me a bottle of nail polish remover ASAP.....so he's looking at me real funny like, maybe the way Paris Hilton might look at a book on World Economy. I just tell him very calmly that I have somehow glued myself to my steering wheel and could he please hurry as this was not very comfortable. You could see his lips tremble as he bit them to keep from falling on the ground in hysteric fits of laughter.

Then he says, "Ya’ll this is too funny, I gotta get my brother to see this",.....and I tell him no he doesn't gotta get his brother to see this, that he is going to lose his chance to make approx. $9 for sixty seconds work.

Finger nail polish remover is cheap…and hopefully in this case, my saving grace because I really don’t know how I’m going to manage if it doesn’t work. Do I just drive to the emergency room and have the staff there extricate my hand from my steering wheel. Good Lord I can just hear the guffaws and laughter. It would probably be on the eleven o’clock news. And I can’t even begin to think about the crap I’d catch from all the other DJ’s I worked with at the station.

So off he runs to get the remover and there I stand, feeling like a huge ass. I am hot and sweaty and panicking that I'm going to be really late for my date. Finally, a few minutes later he comes running out of the store, with bag in hand and two guys, who I assume were friends of his that worked for Albertsons, with him. By the time they get to me, they are all laughing uncontrollably. I'm thinking that now would not be a good time to start a friendly chat about how I am a DJ at the number two station in Houston. One of the guys runs over to his car to get some towels for me (finally some real southern hospitality makes an appearance), and I pour the entire bottle of remover over my fingers and steering wheel, trying to massage it between my fingers and seperate them too. But honestly, even if they remained glued together, I could deal with that...but stuck to the steering wheel? Not on your life.

PRAISE GOD! HALLELUJAH! THANK YOU 6lb 4oz. BABY JESUS IN THE MANGER, ALONG WITH THE COWS AND SHEEP AND WISEMEN FOR FINGER NAIL POLISH REMOVER.

Houston, we have lift-off! I am unstuck!

I got myself unattached and back on my way, and three, twenty-something’s had the laugh of a lifetime. I'm sure if there was a kegger that night, I was most likely the topic of conversation for a while. I can just hear it....."Dude I was at the store and there was like, this chick, and dude, she was like stuck to her steering wheel dude, you shoulda seen it dude...."

And people wonder why I have yet to ever visit Houston, TX., again.

8 Comments

I am laughing so hard and you want to know why? Last week we had our own Super Glue incident involving my 1 year old and her lips. True. It was a very sad and bloggable moment.

Posted by: Kristen @ We are THAT family | Monday, March 24, 2008 at 01:25 PM

OH MY GOSH!!!! Kristen, I cannot even begin to imagine gluing my lips shut. Although I'm sure there are people who WISH I would glue my lips shut, but good grief!

How on earth did you get that off/her lips unglued? I think I recall reading something on your blog (I linked from somewhere, maybe AB, I should have delurked and commented) about finding the tube of glue with teethmarks? I remember thinking, "OMG, that sure brings back memories!"

Yeah sure, I can (sorta) laugh about it all now, just like I imagine you will, time and time again when you retell the tale to your little one, when she't not so little anymore, about her own brush with super-glue.

But ya know, what would we do, as mama's with all these "bloggable" little moments? Just the same, I keep anything even REMOTELY sticky (that includes so much as honey) away from The Little Imp, knowing that she's most likely inherited by "dumbass" gene.

Posted by: Auds at Spotted Dick | Monday, March 24, 2008 at 01:52 PM

unbelievable! That is horrifying!!! And I'm sure those kids are STILL talking about it.

Posted by: bananas | Monday, March 24, 2008 at 03:56 PM

Thats so hysterical. WHen I was 8, I glued the inside of my arm to my cheek. And did end up having to go to the er because it was so close to my eye mom was afraid to use any of the glue remover.

Posted by: sara | Monday, March 24, 2008 at 04:09 PM