Sleep? Not a Chance!

We are a family of spider haters.  There are just no two ways about it.  We see a spider, we kill said spider.  Hey, don't get all up in my grill about it.  Yes, I am aware they eat flies.  Sorry, no flies at Casa Barking Mad.  Not any that warrant keeping a few eight legged freaks in the house anyhow.  Yep, I know they eat other insects too.  They can to do that OUTSIDE where the general insect population lives.

Have I mentioned how much I HATE SPIDERS?  Are ya sure?  Because I just want to make sure I'm getting my point across.

This was me earlier tonight...

...Well OK, it's a dramatic recreation of tonight's actual events, but it's a close enough representation of my reaction to something the Little Imp found perched happily on her potty chair.  Had she been sitting ON IT when this dropped down, it literally would have scared the shit out of Little Miss Muffet!

That was after my brave hubby wrangled it away from Griffy, the [wannabe] Spider Slayer...

Do you see THE SIZE OF THAT THING?!?!  We have aptly named it Godzilla, or wait, was it Mothra?  Either way, it was a hellaciously HUGE spider.  It could have eaten my cat!  Well, it could have. In a Made for Sci-Fi channel movie sort of way.  Oh be quiet already. It was a damned big spider and YOU know it!

Griffy the [wannbe] Spider Slayer was not happy that his potential kill was otherwise contained. 

And then my husband, who shall be sleeping in the guest room tonight, my darling husband who would beat off rabid monkeys for me, that special sweetie of mine who would break the kneecaps of anyone who dared bully the Little Imp...that MAN who knows how much I hate those vile eight legged freaks...just what do you think THAT MAN did? 

He. Set. It. Free!  OH YES HE DID!

I know, I know.  Drastic times call for drastic measures.   Sweetheart, light of my life.  I really hope the guest bedroom bed is mighty comfy, cause dude, you're gonna be there for a while!

As for me, I'm sealing myself in an airtight container with some scuba gear (cause I'll need some oxygen doncha know), and sleeping in it so that the big scary spider doesn't get me. 

Because it will. 

The spider that is. 

Comments

[KD @ A Bit Squirrelly]

Umm SICK! WHY IN THE HELL DID I LOOK!? I friggin hate spiders. They need to stay OUTSIDE and kill the bugs OUTSIDE, not in my house. SICK SICK SICK. BTW G is on my shit list now. Can't believe he didn't kill the damned thing. How the hell am I supposed to some and stay at your house and visit you next spring when he I know he lets those little freaks from hell loose??? HMMM HMMM HUH HUH???

[bejewell]

Fuck the oxygen. Seal yourself up, baby.

[Auds]

Beej...Dude, I sorta need the oxygen to breath!!!! I'm kinda fond of retaining a pulse.

KD...Deep breaths...in, out, in out. It'll be fine. We'll just make sure the guest room is hermetically sealed so that nothing can get in...or out! *lol*

[G at Barking Mad]

I fear I have been sorely misrepresented in this unfortunate episode. I did, indeed, let said spider loose in the back yard, but I had my reasons.

Having trapped the poor (?) beastie under the glass, so that scaredy-cat wifey could take copious numbers of photographs without fear of having to run for the hills should the spider so much as LOOK at her, it was a bit difficult to find that third hand to use the spider-whacker, as the other two were maintaining the means of confinement.

So it was a darned sight easier to condemn said spider to a ballistic trajectory from the glass than whack it, because if I had tried to whack it and not got the timing just right, it might have escaped and then Lord knows what might have ensued. Guaranteed that wifey would have been put on oxygen for a bit.

Spare room it is, then.

G

[Drama Mama]

I can deal with the spiders-just don't ever post a snake without warning me- Or you will be paying my hospital bill-cause I will have a coronary event!

[Simply Shannon]

I almost had a heart attack the other day when I had Ciara outside in her little pool. I went to go back into the house to grab my camera and book, and discovered a GIANT black spider perched right on the handle to the patio door. I almost put my hand right on the beastly thing!
I was totally freaked out too, because it was a big hairy one that looked like it could maybe actually do some harm if it wanted to. It had a white spot on it's back too.
After my friendly neighbor squished the hell out of it, I looked it up on the computer to make sure that we are indeed safe. Best I could come up with is that it's a common (supposedly harmless) jumping spider.
Whatever, it was NASTY and I don't want to ever see another one again.
Oh, and the next day Ciara found a different kind of gigantic spider just chillin' in our bathroom sink like it owned the joint. WTF? Does my house look like a spider hotel or something?
Sorry to be so loquacious! I meant to post about it on my blog but never got around to it.

[threeundertwo]

I love your cat. Big game hunter. My cats like to bite spiders and spit them out again, usually still alive.

We're that hard up for entertainment around here.

Your spider beats mine. This is why I'm not an A-lister yet.

Note to self: learn how to take better spider pictures.

[Rachael]

That is one huge freaking spider. Seriously, that is NOT okay.

[Meg]

HOLLLLLLLY SHIT
That was in the house i sleep in!
OMG
mom I would have died if I was here/.

[jody]

EWWWW!! Shrek. Sigh. Faint. I hate spiders Just about as much as I hate BEE'S!! I had to walk outside tonight at 10pm to go to work. On said walk I have to go thru some trees lining our sidewalk. Trees that house huge SPIDERS!! I walk fast.

G. Tut tut!

[Chesapeake Bay Woman]

You have a spider infestation, I tell you.

Although I am not terribly afraid of spiders, if I saw one that big in my house I'd keel over and die.

[Marlene]

DISGUSTING!!!! I HATE SPIDERS!!!! BLECCH!!!!!

Not only do I HATE them, I am scared SHITLESS of them....even the tiny ones.

That spider is a freakin' MONSTER!!! Where the hell did you import that freak from?!! If I saw a spider that big - I'd shit my pants! Seriously! Ugh!!!

G - kudos to you for dealing with it...but if it gets back in the house cuz you didn't "finish the job", methinks YOU'LL be finished!

[Auds]

CBW...are you freaking kidding me? I'd almost take a fiddler crab infestation over spiders. I may just sit in a corner and cry all day long. Either that or call my realtor!

Jody...I'm not a fan of bees either. Allergic to them. But after seeing that spider last night, I don't know which is worse at this point. I am seriously FREAKING OUT!

Meg...Dude, it was UPSTAIRS! Oh that's right, you're breeding them downstairs! CLEAN YOUR ROOM!

Rachael...I know. It's not ok. I'm seriously thinking of putting my house the market. I can't deal with spiders.

ThreeUnderTwo...I have told Griffy that if he lands the spider he is to KILL it. NOT play with it. I would die if he spit it back out, ALIVE. It would only be pissed off. Spiders are bad enough, pissed off spiders, NO THANK YOU!

Hubby...see me later!

Drama Mama...I am about to have my own cardiac EEEEvent after CBW's comment this morning! Seriously! Oh and no snakes. They freak my shit out!

[Auds]

Marlene...I am having the mother of all shit fits right now. I am terrified that we actually have an infestation of the little freaks. Nothing, and I mean nothing, would send me over the edge (and I am precariously close as it is) than seeing one of those crawling across my pillow. NOTHING.

I laid in bed last night and thought about that damned spider. Walking around outside, just looking for a way to get back in the house.

Just the same, if I'd had to listen to G squish it, that would have made me come apart ten million different ways.

Call me a pussy, but I don't do SPIDERS!

[Big Hair Envy]

The only thing nastier than a spider in your house is a millipede in your house :( YUK!

[pajama momma]

Oh! Look how clean your bathroom floor is! I usually have to shove shit out of the way for my "candid" photos.

Spiders are not for getting rid of flies. That's what flyswatters are for.

[San Diego Momma]

Oh no he di'int!

I must raise your "I hate spiders" with a "I detest and abhor spiders."

I've had one fall on me from above MORE THAN ONCE and I've declared a spider moratorium in my home. I have the documents to prove it.

[Auds]

SDM...Oh yes he did!

I think I'd be on medication, STRONG medication, something like Haldol (sp) if one ever dropped on me. I've had one float down on my keyboard which neccesitated an IMMEDIATE change of pants - but not ON me.

PJ Momma...AMEN! Yeah, it was just a fluke the floor was clean. I think the house elves came back a night early and helped me out.

BHE...I've had those too. I just prefer NO INSECTS!

Can I just tell ya'll that I am so happy I am not the only one who HATES HATES HATES spiders!

Now I'm going to go back to rocking back and forth in my corner and praying for more valium.

[Mamasphere]

You NEVER, I repeat, NEVER return a spider that has found its way indoors, back outside again! If it found its way in once, it'll be back.

My husband believes in life for all and sets the spiders free. I don't know what's worse- having to brave killing the darn things myself so hubby doesn't have a chance to intervene, or living life on the edge wondering when the nasty things will return.

[Monkeytoemomma]

Oh My Freakin' Gawd! Look at the SIZE of that sucka! I would have been terrified had I happened upon that!
BTW, I love, love, LOVE the picture of Griffy looking into the glass - so cute! Even with the enormous, hideous, hideously enormous spider under it.

[calicobebop]

Holy Cow! What kind of monsters do you guys grow?!?! I thought our water-bugs were bad, but YIKES! Kill them! Kill them all!!!

[HRH]

YUCK. I have never, ever seen a spider actually EAT a fly so I am pretty sure that could be urban legend. I take that back, on Charlotte's web, Charlotte did eat a fly...but that could all be part of the urban legend plan.

[Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy]

That's like a tropical monster spider! Blech! My skin is crawling!

[mommily]

Bless you, Gareth, for your compassion.
As the Buddha would say (well, sort of):
May all beings be happy, may all beings be free, may all beings who are not the cats, the dog, the children or human beings of whom she is fond, stay the frack out of Audrey's house!
Most interesting specimin there, G. I'm sure some spouse spider and little egglets are much relieved tonight.

[Alias Liz Jones]

Auds, I feel the pain of the spider phobia, but my phobia is mice. You see, back when 'elephant leg' jeans were in style. (Yes I became a teenager in the 70's) Anyway, I was wearing said jeans in a field. I felt something run up the huge leg of the jeans. I watched in horror as a large lump could be seen beneath the jeans. The large lump began climbing up my jeans. I was standing near a highway. I stripped my pants off in front of the whole world and a field mouse jumped out. I screamed and pulled my pants back up but not before half of the entire population of my town had seen me jerk my pants down and then back up while standing near the highway.

[Jack]

A spider like that in my house would have been a major event. I can only imagine what sort of chaos it would have created.

[Auds]

Jack...it's STILL creating chaos here. We keep wondering when it's going to show up again.

Liz...I can't even beging to imagine having a MOUSE in my pants. Anything that crawls on me that I didn't give birth to would seriously make me come totally unglued.

[Foz Meadows]

My favourite part of this whole post is the look on Griffy the Wondercat's face as he peers through the upturned glass at the spider. It's such an essentially small-prey-that-I-mysteriously-cannot-reach-but-I'm-willing-to-wait cat expression that I just want to hug him. (We've got two cats - Indi, who is small and blue, the lethally efficient killer with a penchant for committing what my husband refers to as Acts of Birder, and Quill, large and black, whose only forays into hunting involve very big rats or tiny baby mouselets.)