The Post In Which I am Long Overdue in Paying it Forward

Suckitude. 

That's what my life has been all about lately.  If I'm not worrying about what color to change my hair , I'm raging about my, well, about my raging hormones or I'm bitching at the dog to,  for the love of God, stop licking his nuts/eating leaves/being a cute-as-hell pain in my ass.  My mom used to say, and I quote; "Audrey, you'd bitch if you were hung with a brand new rope!" She's right. 

Add to it that I'm depressed (it's hard to admit, but the Zoloft ain't working, I fear it's time for the big guns, although I have no idea what the hell the "big guns" might be) and about to send my oldest daughter off to college and deal with all the change (and tears and apprehension and worry and general obsessing over every bad thing that can happen while she's off doing her own thing (You'd better be STUDYING!) in her little dorm room.) that her leaving will entail.   All that adds up to big fat SUCKITUDE! 

So it came as a huge surprise to me that someone actually thought me worthy of some bloggy goodness in the form of a couple of awards.  Seriously.  I know, I thought the same thing too!  Me?  Are you sure you mean me? 

Apparently they did.  I'm totally gobsmacked and completely flattered.

MommyTime over at Mommy's Martini awarded me this little gem.  I look up to her in so many ways and I think she's brilliant.  Seriously.  So I was shocked that she thought enough of me to give me this.

                                                

Then it came as a total shock to me that Beej over at The Bean plopped this one down in front of me. The lovely Artey Pico award.  Like Woahhhhhh!  I'm not worthy!  SERIOUSLY!

                                                

Beej, dude, are you for real?  Because I'd totally understand if maybe you'd meant to give me this instead...

                                             

This is where the real "suck" factor comes in.  I am supposed to pay this forward to other well deserving bloggers.  Bloggers who make a difference, who are creative, inspiring, and all around wonderful people...the kind of people you wouldn't mind barfing on at big huge girly blogger type conferences, because you know they'd be pretty cool about it.   

Herein is where my problem lies.  I suck at this networking thing and there are a lot of women out there who are wonderfully gifted and talented writers but they don't know me from the man in the moon.  But I read them, adore them from afar and hope that if I ever do actually leave my house one of these days and make it to that big girly-blogger conference, that I'll have the nerve to say hello, and totally NOT barf on them!  Give me Marilyn Manson, Steven Tyler or Tim McGraw any day of the week and I can handle them no problem(and I have!)...put another writer in front of me, someone who is so adept at conveying their story, at articulating their written thoughts so that it ends up like wonderful music,  and I'm all mumbles and fumbles and a big hot mess!

I've pretty much kept my circle of women I'm close to in this community, smallish.  But then I keep hearing about how you have to reach out to those in the community, get to know them, learn from them, etcetera...  Well, I'm pretty sure they already know of their own greatness and don't need some nib-nose nobody from Squat City, Maine ladling heaps of verbose praise over them and asking them if they wanna be my friend, check yes or no.   So it should come as no surprise that when it comes to leaving comments on posts of theirs that I think rock, it comes out sounding like, "That was like, um, ah well, great, totally funny, um, errr, well, gosh that was swell..."  It's like trying to talk with a mouthful of marbles.  I end up having severe performance anxiety and then don't even bother leaving comments.  If I was a dude, it would be the perfect time for some Viagra.

I do have a point, and I'm actually getting there.  I just decided to take the scenic route.

I guess the bottom line is that this is all about connecting with others, despite writing styles, parenting preferences, lifestyle choices or whether you wipe your ass with your left hand or your right hand (I'm a righty by the way, just sayin')...And I have been doing a piss-poor job of connecting with other women and even some men out here.   Ya'll don't need me to laud your praises.  But I am genuine when I say that I'd love to learn from you and eventually get to know you. 

But for now, my circle of writers is small (but they are amazing and gifted and such talented writers), and I adore them and talk about them constantly and I'm going to talk about them again.  And who knows, maybe I might grow a pair eventually and enlarge my circle of friends out here.  But until then, these are women who have reached out to me, despite the fact that I am a cranky old bitch, and helped boost my confidence, shared personal stories with me, are creative as hell, inspire not only me, but others, and who make a huge difference in the blogging community.   I'm giving you all BOTH of the awards...because really I do love ya'll that much!

Mommy Pie because she is about as real as it gets and she genuinely wants to keep this brilliant luv-in thing  she's created, going. She wants to help us all connect and find other great writers out there and help them connect to the rest of us.   She's gifted and such a wonderful soul.  I love reading her tweets about the time she spends with her daughter MP, and her posts about her tractor lovin' mama!  Good stuff folks, good stuff!

McMommy herself from the McMommy Chronicles.  She's hilarious, smart, the mastermind behind POW which in turn has introduced me to some other really awesome writers.  She's someone who I'd totally go shoe shopping with!

San Diego Momma is beautiful, and a furiously talented writer.  She encourages me and has inspired me to reach deep down inside and unlock some of that passion and put it into my writing. 

BeJewell Simply because she's going to take over the interwebs and kick Al Gore in the nuts and tell him where to take his "I invented the interwebs."  She's fucking (I couldn't write something about her and NOT use that word, just wasn't possible!) hilarious, in your face and deals with dog crap in the middle of her kitchen floor with some serious mad skillz!  If I were a stray dog, I'd definitely head to her house.  But alas, I'm not a stray dog...but Beej, would ya still let me sleep on a little pillow next to your bed? I promise I won't crap on your floor and then disappear.

Bird on a Wire is one of the most generous souls I have recently  come to know out here in the blogosphere.  She's always the first one to offer help when I ask really stupid questions on Twitter, and she's got some killer recipes that she is always willing to share.  She is a wealth of information about all sorts of web-related goodness.

And last, but certainly not least...

KD at A Bit Squirrelly To know KD is to love KD.  Word.  I can say that because KD and I have been through the shit on message boards and in real life.  We've broken bread at Olive Garden and are now planning the nuptials of my beloved Little Imp and her blond darling, Bardolf.   She's new to the blogosphere but she's funny and she has such a way with words, especially asshat and dumbass.  She rocks the socks off those words.  So head out there and show her some love.  And don't give her any grief about her one-headed kid with the gravel burns.  I'm sure CPS will be knocking on her door soon enough.  Just kidding KD - I love ya!

Hopefully the plague of Suckitude will leave soon and I'll be a little less bitchy, a lot happier, and perhaps a lot less chicken-shit when it comes to jumping on the bloggy merry-go-round and hanging on for dear life.

Comments

[The Daughter]

Soooo,
are you really worried that much about me going to college?

AWWWWWW! I love you too mom.
:)
lol

I'mma' go blog now.
PAYCE

[Dana]

Just so you know, you are totally worthy of those awards. I have been reading your blog for awhile, and I liked it so much that I went back and read a lot of your archives the other night when I finally had some extra time (huh, what's extra time?)
I've also been wanting to ask a small favor of you but I've been trying to get up the nerve to e-mail you. Sound familiar? I think I finally have though, so you will be getting that e-mail soon.

[threeundertwo]

Well-deserved awards! Congratulations on not sucking.

[KD @ A Bit Squirrelly]

Umm, WOW. I am kinda speechless that you would include me with the GREAT writers you did...I don't think I deserve it! Thank you so much. You are a dear friend, confidante and future-in-law.

My love to you!

-KD

[Auds]

Megawatt...yes I really am THAT worried. I'm your mom and have been assured that it's totally NORMAL! Oh and I'm serious...YOU BETTER STUDY! I could have bought a new Volvo with what your tuition costs per year!

[Auds]

KD...YES YOU DID DESERVE IT! You rock my socks off (well when I get around to remembering to put some on, which I should really do more often because my shoes stink!) and I'm so glad you decided to start a blog!

[Auds]

Dana...my goodness you weren't bored to sleep with all the old stuff which is just so much Nyquil and Tylenol PM? *lol* Thank for the compliments...seriously made my day!

3under2...awww you are a sweetie. Just for reading my drivel and coming back for more. Thank you! *hugs* Who knows, I might get over the suckitude a little faster. One can hope.

[Deb@BirdOnAWire]

Awww Auds...now ya got me blushing and stuff. Shucks. I'm glad we've gotten to know each other in this great big blogosphere and hopefully one day (soon) we'll get to break bread together and you'll be doin the voiceovers for my advertising..You rock girlfriend. You do.

[Lisa]

CONGRATS!!!! You totally do not suck; your blog is one of the funniest out there ;)

[San Diego Momma]

Oh Audsy:

What a completely touching post. I'm so honored to be included in this group of bloggers I admire.

And if it weren't for Mommy Pie's links of love, I don't know that I'da had the guts to comment here, b/c I was intimidated by your intelligence and wit!

And to think, now you're actually calling me "friend." (Oh. And "beautiful." Let's not forget that. This PMSer needs all the validation she can get this week)

Thanks for the heartfelt award-giving.

I'm crossing my fingers for our mutual PMS battle. May it end well.

Deb

[Tootsie Farklepants]

Congrats on your awards!!! And, um, I've tagged you with a meme.

[McMommy]

No wayyyyy!!!!!! Do you know how much this means to me??? I've had the suckiest week and you have totally just brought a smile to my face!!

Thank you so so much for these awards...you have no idea how much I appreciate them!!

[Auds]

McMommy....if I could, I'd give you a big ol' McHug right now! Glad I made you smile and I hope next week is awesome, with not so much icky sickness and a/c work!

Tootsie...Wow, my first tag! You've popped my meme cherry! Did I just say that outloud?

SDM...you are very very welcome! You say the nicest things. I have warm fizzies again!

And initmidated by me? Moi? Well now that's a first. Thank you. But seriously, as I sit and read through your archives all I can is that I hope to someday be able to harness whatever it is inside me that compells me to write, and be able to channel it in a gift as vividly as you do.

Lisa...Thank you so much! You think I'm funny? Seriously? Wow. Even when I'm all bitchy and scary and have my monster face on?

Deb/Bird...Now be careful what you wish for in the land of voice overs...you just might get it! And you are welcome. By the way, blushing, I have just read, is good for facial circulation. Who woulda thunk it, eh?

[bejewell]

You fucking rock. And I love you.

Nuff said.

[Di]

I can tell you about the big guns from personal experience. For me, when the meds stopped working and every day became a struggle to just get out of bed for a few hours, believe it or not, Shock Therapy (known as ECT) was my savior. It pulled me out of the two major depressive episodes that threatened to make me disappear. I've been as open and candid about it as I can be. I am now on a once-a-month regimen that works. I even met Kitty Dukakis as a result of my experiences and my review of her book, Shock.

If you want to read anything about this, go to my blog and click on the category "Depression."

[Alias Liz Jones]

I don't know which scares me more, the thought of Marilyn Manson or the cat's ass.
The Zoloft sometimes actually causes depression. Depression is an awful, terrible thing to live with. I hope that you find something that works better for you. You don't suck at the networking thing by any stretch. Your post (and comments) always cheer me.
Love
Liz

[mommypie]

Oh My GAH. Talk about SUCKITUDE. I've been so overwhelmed with trying to get outta Dodge this week, I let the emails pile up, and have had NO time to visit anyone.

And then I see this. That was posted DAYS ago.

You're awesome and sweet and genuine and I'm so glad we've connected. Thank you SO much for the love -- right back at ya!

You may now beat me with a wet noodle for being so late ...

Arrgh.