The Stupidity of Being Human

Don’t get me wrong, I love being human. I have sat and watched my pets, two incredibly conceited cats, and a dumb but lovable Goldendoodle puppy and I have no desire to live the life of anything other than the species I am.

I have no longing to sit and lick my ass for hours on end in an apparent bid to make it an Olympic sport (it’s not like they make Listerine for dogs, but oh how I wish they would!), barf leaves and twigs all over my humans carpet, or scamper through the yard, chasing chipmunks and insects and then bring them up on the deck IN MY MOUTH and play with them until I’ve killed them accidentally.  Nope, I’m cool with going to Target and buying a ball to play with if I get bored.  And when was the last time you saw Rover cruising the net, looking for the latest good reads. Yes siree, there is a lot to be said for being human. 

Sometimes though, there are days when I really wonder about my species. Some of us should never have moved up the evolutionary chain. Some of us have huge problems with opposable thumbs!

No other mammal requires warning labels like these, all because someone woke up one morning and decided to get in touch with their inner moron:

Warnings on a hair dryer, because someone obviously thought multi-tasking was a good idea;

"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.

"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.

Of course, I can’t be sure they were trying to multi-task as said stupid human is probably taking a dirt nap right about now.

The bright soul who inspired/created this label missed a couple of episodes of Sesame Street:

"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.

I take issue with this next one, because SOME people, especially a few I’ve sat next to on airplanes, need something like this:

"Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.

Of course, the above warning was probably written by someone who has heard one too many stories from emergency room personnel, who are incredulous at what people will shove up inside themselves.

Here’s one of my favourites, although because it’s electric, I’m probably not going to shove it up my ass to begin with:

"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

This one was obviously created for PETA members looking to get rid of rats:

"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.

Obviously this one was the brain child of someone who read about dear old Mr. Spencer, who, after many years spent battling his HMO and suffering from a most awful toothache, decided to take matters into his own hands, literally:

"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.

It is my sincere hope that lovable Mr. Spencer, wasn’t the motivation for this warning label as well:

"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

Here are a couple more that beg to be prefaced with, “Yo, Dumbass!”

"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."

"Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.

"Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.

"For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.

"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.

"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.

Being a human is a good thing, as Martha would say. Unless of course you are the cretin who invented Legos, because seriously dude, at 3AM when I’ve ambled down the hall to get a glass of water and have stepped on one of those damned pieces of plastic, barefoot no less, I really just want to stab you in the eye.

 

 

Comments

[KD @ A Bit Squirrelly]

LMAO! Too true and too funny! Oh and I hate legos too, and tiddlywinks.

[Auds at Barking Mad]

KD...OMG I'd forgotten all about Tiddlywinks. Do they even STILL make those? Makes me wonder about Pick Up Sticks too...those were perfect for poking my little sisters. *lol*

[Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy]

SO true about the Legos. I've cursed like a drunken sailor on steroids (albeit silently) after going into my son's room while he's sleeping to drop off laundry.

[Monkeytoemomma]

That's hysterical!

On Legos: See, that's why I don't buy Legos, but I have stepped on Barbie crowns and other tiny, evil things.

[Mamasphere]

At night, after I've put my daughter to bed, I sneak around the house and throw away all the little crap that could potentially cause seriuos pain. My poor kid wakes up the next day and wants to know who came in the house and stole her My Little Pony hair brushes!

Those warnings are classic!

[Auds]

Mamasphere...I think perhaps the people marketing these damned toys with all their little parts and sharp edges need to be put in a small room, barefoot and made to dance, DANCE all over them! Yes, I AM evil!

Monkeytoemamma....OUCH..Barbie FEET are the worst! But, here's what you do. You pop Barbies head off her impossibly unobtainable body and you use it as a foot massager. Just roll all that plastic blond goodness under your feet! Sheer heaven!

Melanie...I wish I cursed silently. That's probably why there's a video of my daughter out there repeating MoFo.

[Steph]

Warnings are probably my favorite reading ever. I sit and make up scenarios to explain the necessity for the warning. Usually, my stories are never, ever as ridiculous as the real reason. But still I try.

[Auds]

Steph...same here. It boggles the mind that they even need to be written in the first place. But then, being the litigious society that we are, there was probably some dumbass out there who decided to dry his poodle in a microwave and then when said poodle exploded, the idiot almost certainly sued the microwave manufacturer for failure to post a warning that you aren't supposed to put your pets in it.

Dumb dumb dumb!

[Rachael]

What is WRONG with people? Sigh... We don't have little legos yet, but our kid has some little one inch wooden blocks and they KILL to step on. It makes my foot hurt just thinking about it.

When I first read the deodorant one,I saw 'tube' and immediately thought it was about toothpaste, which was then pretty funny.

[Foz Meadows]

In the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy books, Douglas Adams made the point that humanity is en route to destroying itself at the point where you need instructions on a packet of toothpicks. I don't disagree.

[pajama momma]

Legos, because seriously dude, at 3AM when I’ve ambled down the hall to get a glass of water and have stepped on one of those damned pieces of plastic, barefoot no less, I really just want to stab you in the eye.

hahaha, I remember my dad wouldn't allow us to have jax in the house for just that reason. crab

Now I haven't used a toilet brush orally, but I have been tempted to use hubby's toothbrush for a toilet scrubber.

[bejewell]

"Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.

If an individual is not smart enough to know that using deodorant "intimately" is a bad idea, chances are that said individual will also not know what the word "intimately" means.

I'm just sayin'.

[Auds]

Beej....I hear ya, I do. You would not believe some of the things people stick up their bits. I was in the ER a couple of years ago for the MOTHER of all migraines and they brought a dude in with celery shoved up his ass. Then, when the twins were about 3, possibly two, it's been so long I can't recall - we had to take them both to the ER and there was a lady in there who got a beer bottle stuck up her vahjayjay - an OPEN beer bottle no less. Well you can imagine what she had been doing. And being that this was long before HIPAA I was told all the gory details.

Apparently it had created a vacuum of sorts and she'd managed to suck her entire cervix into the bottle. She ended up in the OR after that and I'm not sure what the end result was.

People are really strange.

[Auds]

PJ Momma...OMG I forgot all about JAX!!! I can remember many a time my mother yelling at the top of her lungs in abject pain at stepping on jax I had left lying around.
I think it's safe to say I'm never getting the Little Imp any. I didn't think there was anything worse than Legos...I was wrong!

[San Diego Momma]

Well if they hadn't made the bottle look so much like KY, I would've known not to use it intimately.

Also, I've got feminine hygiene sweat. What am I supposed to do about that?

But I'm with you on the other stuff.

[Lisa]

So you mean I should NOT dry off my kitty in the microwave--guess I'll need to throw her in the dryer ;)

[The Daughter]

some times I think you think to much...
but it's okay.
i still love you even though some times I think you wanna kick me in the face...

I probably deserve it, but when it comes time in place...can't catch me saying that.

[Drama Mama]

OHHH- I think I want to come back as Tinkerbell- my newly adopted mutt- That girl is livin the stress free good life now!

[Alias Liz]

Auds, you are hilarious. Seriously funny. I don't mean to sound like a comment hussy. I need to go read Beej's primer. But still, I'll risk sounding like a kiss up because I love your rambles.