WeanHer '08

Unlike that big girly-blogger conference in San Fransisco last weekend, there will be no keynote speakers at WeanHer '08.  Although, I might decide to put on some purple tights if it makes things better.

There will be no cheeseburger parties.

There will be no readings of amazing blog articles.

There will just be me, the Little Imp and a couple of boobs, literally.  The thing about the boobs though, is that I don't want them predominantly playing a role in this weekend.  That's the whole goal, to rip something away from my baby girl that has been a huge part of both her and my lives for the past two and   half years.

Yes, I said TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

Please don't give me any shit about the fact that she's STILL nursing.  In the time it takes you to type and send me a nasty email/comment about how my kid is going to be screwed up because she's still nursing you could have Googled "extended breastfeeding" and come up with a myriad of articles like this one, and studies such as this one which chronicle not only the physiological but psychological benefits of extended breastfeeding.

My original plan was to wean her at one year.  All of my other babies who I've nursed weaned themselves, just like that.  No fuss, no whimpering.  But I didn't know the Imp would be premature and it would be a battle, with health professionals no less, just to get her on the breast.  It was important to me to prove to myself, after dealing with breast cancer, that my body still worked, and especially important after everything she went through after birth, two pneumothoraxes, and subsequent issues, that I try and breastfeed her.  Imagine my surprise that the old boobies, battered though they were, still worked!

Then we hit one year and she had no intention of weaning.  We also started to notice she had some pretty serious tactile and other sensory issues with food.  After countless visits to her pediatrician, a nutritionist and dietitian they all came to the same conclusion.  Do NOT force wean her anytime before her second birthday.  It was more important to work on her issues with food, and to get her to eat a broader variety and not be too grossed out at different textures.  She is her mother's daughter, and much like me, if it feels yucky, squishy, or looks that way, she wouldn't touch it.   Yes I have issues surrounding food...I'm dealing with it.

Had it not been for nursing most of her second year, she wouldn't have gained any weight.  And once she finally turned a corner this past autumn and started not only playing with her food (who ever would have thought there would be a day when I'd jump up and down that she was playing with her food!  Go figure) but actually getting it past her lips, did we think about when we were going to wean her.  We decided if she was still interested by three, we'd cut it off there.  That's my own personal comfort zone.  After all, I don't want to end up like this mother who decided to defy conventional wisdom and take extended breastfeed to extraordinary lengths.  That is wayyyyyy outside my own comfort zone.  I'm not knocking it, but it's not for me.

I really wanted to let her go to three years, if that's what she wanted, but it isn't meant to be.

I don't seem to be able to drag myself out of the worm hole I have created and my rapid descent into the abyss of depression has necessitated a change in medication, one which is not compatible with breastfeeding.   I don't think I can articulate how fucking awful I feel about all of this. 

I feel like an epic failure as a parent, because of a situation that occurred in January (we're just gonna refer to this as the VERY BAD THING THAT HAPPENED so I don't get my ass in trouble for going against any legal constraints) and how it's shredded not only my self esteem but how I feel I am perceived by others to the point of never leaving my house  It bothers me to a great extent that I don't seem to be able to shake it off and pull myself up out of the mire of horribleness that my mental state has become. 

I know that it's not a bad thing to admit when you need help.  I've been at that place for a long time.  It's almost as if I've been treading water and I'm finally getting tired and can no longer keep my head above the waves.  I kept thinking a life boat would come along and throw me a rope.  Sometimes though, you have to send up the flare in order to get the boat's attention.  Some of the things I've said to my therapist in the last week have been that "flare" and together we decided that in order to have the best chance of getting me out of the water and into the boat, we need to switch things up. 

Monday I'm assuming I'll get my new Rx so that's been the impetus for  doing WeanHer '08 this weekend.  So far m'dears, it's been hell.  There have been tears, on both of our parts, tantrums, on both of our parts and a fair amount of bargaining and bribery. 

I've even gone so far as to tell her that I have to give all of my "mommy milk" to the Boogey Man because the Boogey Mommy has no Boogey Boobies to feed the Boogey Baby.   Well, the Little Imp is a fairly smart kid, for a two year old, and saw through that in about sixty seconds when she told her daddy to go to the store and buy some milk for the Boogey Baby.  I'm now resorting to  promising her a BMW (which I will of course drive for her and keep safe until she reaches an age where I think she can handle such a car - we're thinking 35), a pony (I forgot though that ponies crap...a lot. Am going to have to rethink that one) and a kitten if she will please stop asking for Mommy Milk.   Maybe I can convince her that the pony will eat the kitten and that cleaning up kitten crap is preferable to cleaning up the rockets that ponies launch from their asses.

I had counted on tears, but not the huge crocodile tears that tell me this is hurting her because she doesn't know why I'm doing this.  There is no possible way that I can explain to my two year old, in words she will understand, that I am broken inside and in order to help fix me, I have to take medicine that won't be good for her and can make her sick.  I used those exact words and she asked me if I wanted a band-aide. 

It's been really hard for me to take something away from her that's been so rewarding for both of us.  In some small way it has been a reaffirmation that cancer did not destroy that part of my womanhood which nourishes my child.  Now that part of this journey - mine as a mother and hers as my daughter, is coming to an end.  I think it would make me a little sad even if this weren't being forced upon the two of us the way it is.  I'm closing a chapter in a book.  I just didn't think, when we got to this part, that it would mean I'd have to rip the pages out of the book.

Dearest, beautiful Gaby Rose,

I know you'll read this when you are older, I'm counting on it. 

I want you to know that this road I've traveled with you has been beautiful.  Oh sure, at times I wanted to rip my hair out, and yours especially when you felt the need to wake up every hour on the hour and nurse like there was no tomorrow.  But we made it through, together. 

I'm glad I've been able to give you something so special and for so long.  There are certain things about being a mother, that are more precious than gold, and being able to share quiet moments where you are snuggled into my breast and absolutely content has been one of those things I will always cherish.

Now there's a fork in the road, and I know deep inside that years from you won't remember this.  And perhaps I write this for my own comfort more than yours - to appease something inside me that feels horribly guilty about this...but on the very small chance you do remember this, I hope you know I did it because it was for the best.  I need to get myself to the point where I can be the best mommy ever and run around with you and take you to the beach and feel good about myself again.  I want to be a mommy you can be proud of.  In order to do that, I need some help.  Getting that help means that we take the fork in the road and we both grow up and move on to bigger and better things. 

Most important, little petal, I want to be here for all those bigger and better things. 

Comments

[KD @ A Bit Squirrelly]

Oh Auds--My heart breaks for you both. I loved B and my nursing relationship and cherish it as special, being that it was my last.

In the long run it really is best for you both for you to take care of your own health (mental AND Physical) and well-being. Your health has suffered for some time while continuing to nourinsh and sacrifice for one of the most precious girls in your life and you have nothing to feel shame, guilt or the need to apologize for. You are a true inspiration to all those who have struggled with the gift of breastfeeding and the triumph of overcoming a rocky start.

A month from now it will all be a foggy dream for her and you can move on to better health and a growing relationship. Be proud and satisfied that you did the absolute best for her defying many obstacles.

Call anytime you need an ear.

xoxo

-KD

[Simply Shannon]

Good luck sweets! Hang in there, you are definitely doing the right thing.
I can only imagine the heartache that it is causing you in your already fragile state of mind.
I hope that the new meds do their job and help you to remember what a truly extraordinary woman and mother you are. I don't know about what happened in January, but in the short time that I have come to "know" you, it has been fully apparent that you are quite a wonderful person. Your children are very fortunate to have you as a Mom.
Big hugs to you! I know that you can get through this...and so can that beautiful little girl of yours.

[charmingdriver]

Oh sweetness, I am so sorry you're going through this but please know getting your medication right and good (am going through the same thing right now) will be so worth it.

Chin up, Hang in there and Hugs for you and the babe.

[Jody]

Auds,
Your post actually brought tears to my eyes... =(
I know how you must feel about stopping nursing, but Know you Gave her over 2 yrs of the best stuff in the world!! Most moms can't even bring themselves to do the 6 week stint. I'm so proud of you. You now have to take care of yourself. To be the BEST mommy in the world to Gabby you Have to do whats needed now...and so do it girl!! Gabs will be fine. And you'll be finer. "Nothing could be finer than to be in carolina in the mor...."
Ack sorry. Just know this is best for Both of you. And know we care. We love you and need you to be whole. Ok? Hugs..wish I was near..Joanne

[threeundertwo]

Oh wow. What a weekend you need to get through. I went to the WeanHimandHer conference of '99 and in the end the only swag I got were pretty bras, and I had to buy them myself. But we participants always learn and grow from these things, even if the sessions are marked by disagreements and hurt feelings among the attendees.

I'm really pulling for you. I didn't know about your history of breast cancer and her eating challenges. You have already done a superhuman amount and you should be really proud.

I think you're incredible. Hang in there.

[Soliloquy]

Well, DANG.

I think it's LOVELY that you have nursed for 2 1/2 years. I nursed my last baby for 2 1/2 years - and wouldn't have given it up if Spin hadn't said it was time.....

What a nice run.

I'm sorry that weaning isn't easy - physically or emotionally.

Thinking of and praying for you and the Little Imp.

[~m]

Wow. I just cruised over from Bejewell's site and saw this post. I just want to say props to you for extended BFing. I know what it feels like to have had a lot difficulties getting going and then after you get it, you want to keep it going, becuase it becomes a part of your relationship, not just nourishment.
You should feel good about having given as much as you have already.
I know it must be so difficult to suddenly wean, esp. when neither of you want to. But she'll be OK and you have to take care of yourself to take care of her.
You probably know all that. So I just say that I'm going to be thinking about you this weekend...

[Auds]

~m...thanks so much for stopping by!

I know she'll be ok. And she actually went down tonight without the boob. It's the not the first time, but we had to get her to BELIEVE that I wasn't in the house. Easier said than done, but the point is, it was done.

Only nursed once today and if we can get through tomorrow without any boobies I think we may well be on our way.

[Lynette]

It's tough... But you are doing the right thing. I only breastfed for 6 months, and it was torture for both of us. You should be commended. The better your health is, the better all of you will be.

[Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy]

Your health is important! This is but a momentary bump in the road. It's the best thing for both of you. Can you pump like mad and freeze it just to have a little on hand for the transition?

[Rachael]

Reading about this weekend's journey made me cry. I'm sure that it's been sad - I think no matter how long you breast feed (whether it's only a week or two and a half years), it's going to be a painful break to stop. At her age, it's the tears and the not understanding why that can be so sad. But you're right - she's not going to remember it. What she IS going to remember is you being her mommy, and you being happy when she was two and taking great care of her. And part of the way for you to be the best mom you can be for her is to take that medication. You go, momma! (Hugs)

I also want to say that I don't know your whole history with your kids, I don't know what happened in January, but I am amazed by your strength in the face of what seems to be a very hard and tumultous relationship with your older kids. You are just a really cool lady if you ask me.

[mommily]

You write her a letter and hide it unde your pillow. The letter is from the Mommy Milk Fairy (like getting the Little Imp ready for the tooth fairy). The letter says, "Dear Mommy Audrey, this letter is to notify you that your supply of Mommy Milk has been stopped. You have used up your allotment and that of several other Mommies (some of whom didn't much care to nurse so it was no big deal), but now we at Mommy Milk Fairies, Inc., need to deliver this precious substance to other mommies who need it. Please extend our sympathies to Little Imp and let her know that she is one of the most healthy children around and that she can be happy for other little children who will now have Mommy Milk because she is a BIG GIRL NOW. Sincerely, the International Association of Mommy Milk Fairies. P.S. Dear Little Imp, in about six years you will be eligible to participate in the Tooth Fairy Dollar Delivery system. Please have your mother and father keep this letter as a reminder."
Then you can tell her I'll be happy to confirm that the Mommy Milk Fairies sent me letters like that one oh-so-many years ago.

[Lisa]

The only way I weaned my other three is by getting pregnant. well that is not happening this time and Spanky, my last baby, really loves nursing (he is nursing about 95% of the time I blog--like now lol), He'll be two in late August and like you, I am so ready to quit.
I know you and the little Imp will get through this and be stronger than ever :)

[singleworkingmommy]

What an awesome post. I'm glad the weekend seemed to go well.

Imp is a very smart little girl! I love that she told her father to go get the kid's some milk from the store. And asked you if you needed a Band-Aid. So freaking cute and heartbreaking all at the same time.

I'm an extended BF'er too. Son just turned two, and is showing no signs of stopping. We nurse at bedtime and sometimes nap time. Sigh. Part of me wants to continue, part of me wants to stop RIGHT NOW.

[pajama momma]

My 2 1/2 year old still takes a bottle and I'm hoping he weans himself by college.

[Heather]

I've been catching up on your blog and came across this post.

I just had to wean my baby girl because I had to start chemo treatments. I did not want to quit. I'm still pissed that I had to quit. I planned on nursing her as long as she wanted to.

Kudos to you for BFing this long. Is it wrong to say I am jealous?!