Coming Up for Air

I feel as if I've been underwater for days on end.  My skin is wrinkly from too much time spent submerged in a sea of despair, anger, fear, depression and self pity.   At least I had the foresight to send up a smoke signal to a couple of friends who have been hanging onto me with everything they have, and kept my head above the water.  But I tell ya, it's gonna take ages for my skin to lose it's Sharpei-like appearance.

I suppose I need to backtrack a little for any of this to make sense.

Since discovering that the increased dosage of Zoloft was going to damn near kill me, Sweeney Todd had me back way off of it. He also had me start Cymbalta today.   The dizziness abated rather quickly whilst the nausea hung around.  Feeling like I'm going to be ill was far preferable over the dizziness.  Just sayin!   However, I was not expecting to feel as if I wanted everything to end and literally, did not want to go on anymore.

Don't worry, I didn't take action on those thoughts.  But nonetheless, it scared the living shit out of me to the point  that I was actually having thoughts of sitting in a bathtub full of water whilst I bled to death.  I'm not sure if a massive anxiety attack was the precursor to it or the after-effects because the past two days I've suffered absolutely paralyzing panic attacks that have left me physically ill.   Yesterday was the worst though. 

Whilst I rarely leave the house, the days that the Little Imp is in Montessori, I do have to pick her up.  It's way out in the middle of nowhere and I usually try and time her pick up when not a lot of other parents will be there as well.   Once I got her in the car I burst into tears and immediately thought about how much better her life would be without me.  I thought about how Meg and I wouldn't be going through something akin to pre-separation anxiety as she readies to leave for college.   And my hubby...my loving, supportive hubby who has to be so tired of this bullshit, although he never says an unkind word and is the first person to advocate for me, and is my constant cheerleader...he's put up with so much.  I just felt like they'd all be better off without me.  Scary stuff kiddies, scary stuff.

Once I got home, I phoned Sweeney Todd and told him what was going on.   I was, at that point, less weepy but still in a pretty dark place.   He then tells me that what I'm going through is common in someone coming off a high dosage of Zoloft and if I felt I was in any danger to immediately go to the ER. 

WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?

Um, excuse me Mr. Comb-Over-With-a-PHd...nice goddamn time to tell me this.  Don't you think you should have told me this before we decided to taper off the Zoloft? It would have been nice to know there was a chance I might feel like this.   I told him I was having a rather Emo day, to say the least, and some advance warning would have been swell. 

Thankfully none of the scary shit came to fruition, I started the Cymbalta today and I'm not anywhere near the abyss that I was yesterday.  And that is in great part, NOT due to Sweeney Todd, but to some awesome bloggy friends, one in particular that I emailed when I knew what I was feeling was BAD. VERY.BAD.  And not even knowing me very well, Steph immediately reached back out and threw me a lifeline and told me to hang on with everything I have.  And I did.  I'm so incredibly grateful for the time she spent emailing me, assuring me there was something worth holding onto, and to not give in to the shit that wanted to pull me under.  And then there is my beloved Beej who has made it a point to check on me each and every day, and in her own Fucking Awesome way, make sure I hadn't drowned.

And, it goes without saying, everyone that's left me comments on my various posts about all of this...your words, your prayers and thoughts and heartfelt sentiments mean the world to me.  I promise, I will reach out to each and every one of you when the sun starts shining a little brighter.  Just know that you mean the world to me and I'm gobsmacked at the depth of your care and concern over what's going on in my life.  It's completely overwhelming...in a good way.  I can't leave out my Twitter peeps who've kept me giggling, whether it be about doable celebrity snake owners or the short list of doable fictional movie and literature characters. 

That reminds me, Mrs. Waltz , I promise to keep mum about Angel and Spike, if you keep quiet about the twins.  Deal?

On that note, I am going to take Steph's suggestion and go squeeze my  Little Imp.

Comments

[Kelley]

That is the most adorable pic. Makes me smile every time you pop up on Twitter.

Zoloft is God and the Devil. That doctor is fucked. Seriously. You could have wrung his neck and blamed it on his care.

[bejewell]

Seriously, how do you get your hair to DO that?

(SO glad you are feeling better. Lots of puffy heart kisses and all that shit.)

[MrsWaltz]

There's something so backward here...I wish so much that I could make you laugh even 1/10 as much as you just did me. Now that I'm done waking up the house with my giggles, my lips are sealed re: the twins. (Although I don't know enough about Twitter to say your secret is really safe?)
Much love to you and yours; hope you feel more like your old self soon.
M

[Jen]

You're on Twitter...off to see if I can follow you. That is the most adorable picture! So glad to hear that you are feeling at least a tad bit better. {{Hugs}}

[Steph]

That picture is so...perfect. You and the Imp are gorgeous, of course, but there's something about it that makes me...I don't know. It has this feeling of "This? Right now? This is so good and perfect and forever captured for posterity's sake." Good gawd, I should shut up. But since it's me, we all know I won't.

At any rate, keep hanging on. Keep calling Sweeney Todd (which makes me LOL every. damn. time). Keep tweeting. WHATEVER IT TAKES. And you know my e-mail is open to you whenever you need it.

But YAY to feeling even the teensiest bit better! This post was probably my best read all day. :)

[JaniceNW]

Oh you poor sucker cuz the little man with comb over left out about 6 pages of information. Morons. My mother used to say any moron can get a Ph.D and I tend to agree. Cymbalta is a newer class of drugs called serotonin/norepinephrine reuptake inhibator. Zoloft is an SSRI or selective serotonin uptake inhibator. Cymbalta prohibots litte epinephrine neurotansmatters in your brain floating around longer than Zoloft. One of the reasons you might have been dizzy. They both work on however many types of serotonins we have in our little heads. Cymbalta is chemically similar to Effexor. What the MORON forgot to tell you and give you extra xanax for was the withdrawels from the zoloft. Panic attacks, brain racing, little twitches(mine happens to my eyelids) maybe even electric flashes in the corner of your eyes. NOT MINOR things.

I am so very sorry you had to suffer through that. The one time I was doing something similar I thought I was going to go psychotic.

WebMD.com does a B+job with medications and side effects and possible withdrawel symptoms. I have my own PDR because I'm starting nursing school next month and my shrink gave one of his because he knows how much I adore pharmocology.(I'm a medi-geek).

I've also been fighting depression since 1996/97 when I lost my son, grandmother and my mother. 12.6 years after my baby's death I feel as close to who I am going to be. I will never be who I was but I know you must understand that.

I do not know everything about anti-depressants(more than most non medical types). We've been through some similar tragedies and if you ever want to email me or find my page on Cre8Buzz(moms~JaniceNW)please feel free.

Deep breathing will help with any leftover symptoms. Would you like me to Sweeney Todd your shrink? I can be had for a small, small fee....buahahahahahahaha. Oand a HUG.

[MommyTime]

The Little Imp and you are adorable together. TOGETHER. That's important. You are surrounded by a lot of love. Let that help you in the dark moments.

Sending even more of it...

[Simply Shannon]

I am so happy that you are able to resist your withdrawal induced urges! That in itself shows what an incredibly strong woman you are.
The little imp is indeed gorgeous- as are you.
Hope the cymbalta does the trick!

[Shannon]

(((HUGS))) to you sweetie. Get yourself a new doctor, that is horrible, horrible service to get from a medical professional. I'm so sad for you - you deserve better. I hope the new medication will turn things around - pronto. YOU DESERVE IT. I admire your strength and your ability to pour everything out in your blog - not many women at all would have the courage to do that! You're amazing!!!

[Carol]

Beautiful pic of you and your little imp Auds.

Glad you're feeling a bit better now. Stupid stupid doctor. You honesty always totally amazes me.

I've been without computer (gasp) so it was great catching up with you honey.

[mrs. chicken]

I'm so sorry I haven't been around, Aud. This sounds just dreadful. Docs who play with meds should be hung and tortured. I am so sorry. I hope the light breaks for you soon, hon.

[Rachael]

Oh Auds, I'm so sorry you've been feeling this way. I can't believe your doctor would not warn you of a side effect this big. It's so important, and if you'd been expecting it it still would have sucked, but at least you might have been able to rationalize it a little. I'm so, so glad you're feeling a litle better today. I wish I could just be there to give you a big, gigantic hug.

[Headless Mom]

Hang in there, Auds! There are more of us out here that are tugging on the line for you. Just keep coming up for air!

[Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy]

I' sorry this has been such a dark time for you. Find a new doctor, continue to hold tight to your family and don't forget to breathe!

[mamasphere]

Seriously, can you switch doctors? Yours has only made things worse! He doesn't seem to have a clue!

[Big Hair Envy]

Two beautiful ladies in that picture!!! Hubby just said you look like LeAnne Rymes!! Total compliment:)

Hang in there girlfriend. Your ability to overcome this most recent incident just shows what a STRONG person you are. And be sure to thank God EVERY DAY for your husband:)

[Cheryl]

ok, that pic is too preciously lovely for words. :)

(And preciously means awesome in Canadian! :P )

[Cheryl]

oh, and remember how you sent a text or two to me a couple months ago? thanks for being there for me. thank goodness for friends who don't know us all that well, hey? :)

[San Diego Momma]

Steph is always the first person to reach out to me online when she knows I'm hurting, and I'm so glad she did the same for you.

I can relate to MUCH of what you wrote, which I hope makes you feel less alone. I'm glad you're climbing your way back up.

[Carrie]

I LOVE that photo. LOVE you!

[Linda aka linneyshvede]

I'm so glad you are doing better. I had a nightmare experience with Zoloft too during my divorce...huge mood swings. Thank God you were able to recognize the problem and get help. Love the pic of you and your baby! So cute! Take care!

[~m]

Oh, Auds, I'm so sorry to hear about that and your doctor totally dropped the ball by not warning you about it. It was YOU it was the meds, which doesn't make it less icky to go through but at least you would have known that you yourself weren't going mad.

hang in there. You are beautiful and your family is beautiful and everyone out here in reader-land is pulling for you!

[~m]

I mean, it WASN"T you! Damn! Not YOU, the MEDS!
dumb typing fingers.

[Becky]

I hope you decide not to print this comment. I have been reading and just wanted to wish you the best, and let you know that there are people in the Bluegrass state praying for you and your family. I too, have grappled with depression. I write about it on my blog. I would wholeheartedly encourage you to write about whatever happened in the winter, because displacing some of the pain from your back makes the load just a little bit lighter. I used to never want to talk to people because I thought it was too much of a burden for others. But that's just rubbish. People care, and want to help you. Sometimes they don't know how, but if you just talk, maybe that is the best help available. Also, keep going with the meds until something clicks. And if you're not satisfied with your doc, get a new one, because you are the customer!!

And whatever you do, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, don't EVER think that Gaby is better off without you. (I have felt that way before myself) Just think of the guilt she would carry if you followed through on that thought. Think of how angry she would be with you. Think of how she would internalize that for the rest of her life. And think about how God chose YOU to be HER mother, with all of your baggage and pain, He chose YOU for HER. She needs you, and so does the rest of your family. How she learns to get through depression and tragedy will be largely what she gets from you. If she sees you eventually get through this, she will learn that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and learn to soldier on even if it sucks out loud. And I personally believe that perserverence is the best thing we could ever teach our children.

But then again, what do I know? Though I've dealt with hideous obstacles and heartaches in my life, I've never had to deal with the death of a child. I don't know how you even breathe every day.

Just know that I've never met you, but I do pray for you and your family.

[AMomTwoBoys]

Hugs and Kisses...hang in there.

[Mama Kalila]

That is a great picture!

And I'm so sorry you've been going through that...

[Katie]

Here's to sunshine, or at the very least, an overcst, not hailstormy day.

[Lisa]

" how much better her life would be without me"---Auds, sweetie--that is one of the most sad and UNTRUE things ever written. Little Imp CHOOSE you. I truly believe children get to chose their mommies(even adopted ones--they just take a different path). I remember when my oldest was only two and she was talking about how she choice me because I have a pretty smile--she just said it out of the blue one day. Yeah, it's an out there thought but I believe it.
Your whole family needs you. I hate that because of a stupid, stupid, stupid doctor you are suffering. IT SUCKS!

Whenever you feel down, look closely at the pic you showed. It shows a beautiful, loving, caring mom. A person who makes the world a better place. Imp needs you, Meg needs you. The world needs you :)
(And the little Imp is pretty cute too--duh!)
HUGS!

[Drama Mama]

I left you an award on my blog- Hope it makes you feel better! Cymbalta is Awesome!

[Auds]

You guys absolutely are incredible, marvelous, wonderful and amazing. I am so thankful that I've found this community and within it, such an awesome group of friends. You ALL are proof that there is still good in the human spirit, and in abundance at that.

Oh and Beej - I get my hair to do "that" because I have a funky cowlick in my bangs that annoys the crap out of me. Believe me, only one in one thousand days does it turn out resembling anything like a good hair day.

[Liz Jones]

Auds, please just hang in there. I've heard that Cymbalta is great. At a point in my life, I took Zoloft and it was terrible. I felt awful while on it. Just hold on to the thought that tomorrow or the day after, or next week will be better and things will turn around for you. Please don't ever give up. If you ever want or need to send me an email, please do.
Much Love
Liz

[KD @ A Bit Squirrelly]

Still sending love and good thoughts to you and the fam. I am just hangin out today after swim class so feel free to drop me aline if you want to talk. I am here for you!

xoxo

-KD