The Revenge of the Vacuum Cleaner

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." --Jeff Stilson

I knew it was too good to last.  It's been more than a year since I've had something go wrong with a domestic appliance, be it a personal hair remover or something not intended for use on the human body.  Oh and this one doesn't count because seriously, it could have happened to anyone!  It could!

Yesterday wasn't any different from most of my days spent around Casa Barking Mad, except that the Little Imp was at Montessori for the day and the groomer had come to pick up Casey after the discovery that the spawn of our neighbour, Creepy Whistling Dude, have been throwing shitloads of chewed gum into our backyard.  Alas, a big-ass post about that is forthcoming.  So whilst I was sitting here wondering if my dog was going to be returned with any hair or not, I decided to obsessively clean, like I normally do.

I'll have you know, I have never suffered any sort of injury from a domestic appliance until now.  I swear!

The culprit, a Dyson Animal...



...and it's evil accomplice:



I had been vacuuming around my desk and noticed there was a sock on the floor.  I bent over to pick it up so that it wouldn't kill the vacuum, as Dyson's tend to have the sucking power of a black hole.  Whilst bent over I noticed what looked like another sock a little further back under the desk.  In order to retrieve that one I had to get down on the floor and reach under the desk. 

Right about this point, any normal person would have probably turned the vacuum off.   We can just cut to the chase and admit right now that I am not a normal person. 

I laid down on the floor with my head precariously close to the evil accomplice.  Before I knew it, I was hollering at the motherfucker to let go of me!   Not only had it sucked my hair into the attachment, it had wrapped it around the little brushes.   Both of the cats who had previously been watching the drama unfold from the safety of my bed, hightailed it out of the bedroom.  Traitors!

Should I pause for a moment to let you regain your composure or pick yourself up off the floor from your fits of hysteric laughter?

Are we ready to go on?  Good.

I yanked the cord out of the wall and foolishly thought that removing the electric leech from my head would be as simple as gently pulling on it.  Not so much.  It had a pretty good hold of my hair, which was wrapped around the roller about three times, and wasn't letting go.  Trying to get myself into a standing position was a nightmare.  I ended up scooching towards my desk chair, carefully pulling the entire vacuum along with me so as not to end up scalping myself.

I finally managed to get myself situated in my chair, with my head at the oddest angel and sat, quietly considering my options.  I must have sat there for ten minutes thinking of different ways to get myself out of my predicament.  I could always call Meg at work and have her run home.  On second thought, whilst I never shop at the grocery store she works in, it would make it hard for the hubby to pop in there from time to time as he'd forever be known as the dude married to vacuum-cleaner lady.  I could always scream loudly and hope that one of my neighbours came to my rescue.  On second thought, the possibility of Creepy Whistling Dude hearing my cries for help and actually stepping foot in my home was more than I could bear.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a pair of scissors in my desk caddy.  I gave my hair a couple more tugs just to make sure I absolutely couldn't get it out.  However, there was no way I could cut my own hair out of the vacuum.  I really didn't want to end up looking like Annie Lennox and I wasn't even sure if I would be able to safely cut my hair out of it as I would have been doing so almost blindly.

So, having no where else to turn, I decided, what the hell, I might as well Tweet about it.

And here is the transcript of those fateful moments, before I finally cried Uncle and phoned 911.

Click to enlarge. Oh and you have to read from the bottom up.  My screen capture wasn't working and you don't even want to know what I had to do to preserve the moment in perpetuity.  Therefore, I was too lazy to put the tweets in chronological order.





Yes m'dears, I did call 911.  Two firetrucks, three police cars, and an ambulance full of EMT's showed up.  Can we say OVERKILL!  Seriously, weren't there any jaywalkers to cite, speeders to ticket, burning houses to extinguish?  I swear, it must have been a slow day here in Nowheresville, Maine for the entire cavalcade to show up.

Even though the vacuum cleaner was clearly unplugged, the braintrust (NOT) that is our local fire department went ahead and shut the electricity off to the house, temporarily.  You know, just in case. 

So how did they finally extract my hair from the evil attachment of doom?  With a pair of plyers, a screwdriver and a can of WD-40. No scissors were involved and I do not look like Annie Lennox...and an entire rescue squad has tales to tell for at least a month...if not longer.

It's a damned good thing we're putting the house on the market in May. 

Comments

[Karelle]

Bwahahahaha! Hahahaha!! Ok sorry, I'm done now. (hee hee) Only you Auds! I am very glad that you were not actually physically hurt though (just your pride, I bet!). I've heard stories of nasty burns from vacuum cleaners... Anyway, thanks for that story - I needed a pick me up!

[Deb@Bird On A Wire]

And if you don't send this story to the Dyson manufacturers I'm gonna! How totally funny. No Aud's I'm not laughing at you (snicker)We all needed this moment of levity! Thanks for being the gobsmacking wonderful girl you are!

[Meg]

My dear mother...
haha oh god!

[San Diego Momma]

Finally! I was wondering when you were going to post this!

Holy suction. I'm glad it all turned out well.

And I get the WD-40...but the plyers?

Eh, doesn't matter. Your hair is intact and we can all thank God for that! :)

[bejewell]

Please, for the love of all that is HOLY, tell me SOMEONE had the sense to get pictures. Please. Please.

[Christina]

You did call 911!!! OMG.. that is just to freakin funny!

[Soliloquy]

Oh Auds! Oh my lands. This is GOLD. DO YOU HEAR ME?

PAY DIRT!

Put this in the book! I can't believe it's true - but I do! I so do!

Only you, Auds!

Good Lawd!

[KD @ A Bit Squirrelly]

OH. MY. GOD. Okay the tweets were hysterical (worry) even thought I was worried, but the WHOLE STORY is PRICELESS. Glad that you don't look like Annie Lennox and that you didn't have to cut your own hair.

[Jen]

HILARIOUS!!! I totally needed to read this today because I'm really having a crappy day. I can't believe that they turned the electric off to the house after the darn thing was unplugged. Am I missing something or was that just plain stupid? I'm so glad they didn't have to cut your hair.

Wow! Your Dyson must be new because mine doesn't have black hole suction anymore.

Glad you have enough of a sense of humor to blog about this. Too funny!

[pajama momma]

LMFAO! I did that with the mixer when I was a kid. Had hair down to my waist and that puppy ate my hair all the way up.

I can't tell you how many times I've cut our Thomas toy out of one of my kids' hair.

Is our head a little sore today?

[Linds]

Oh, I'm howling!! And my side hurts! Thanks for sharing this story, Auds! It totally made my day!

[Kate]

...that was YOU?

[Mommily]

Let's see now, drowdedededed a car, glued hand to steering wheel with Krazy Glue, tried lighting head on fire with candlelit application of nail-dry-spray-instead-of-hairspray (which would have been at least as bad). Hmmmmmm. Where DOES it all end?
This must have come from the sperm donor's side of the family which explains why everyone used to run when he would be at home cleaning his gun collection. This trauma magnetism did NOT come from my side of the family. (Er, we can forget the time your sister stopped her brother's bicycle by running it into a curb, going over the handlebars and breaking her arm, or the time she broke her foot stepping off a curb, can't we?)
Well, I'll surely tell your Dad, who does the vacuuming not to get his head too close...oh, I forgot, he doesn't have any hair. Well, I guess that just leaves you to remember to turn off the vacuum cleaner when you need to bend over.
Might be a good idea in more ways than one....

[Marlene]

Dude. We.seriously.need.pictures.to.make.this.complete!

BWAAAHAAAAAHAAAHAAAAHAAAA!!!!!

(Ok....not funny to laugh at another's misfortune....ok....never mind....it IS funny!)

[Auds]

Let's see now, to answer some questions. Much to everyone's disapointment (But not MINE!) there were no pictures of the event. Seriously, I couldn't have taken one to save my life, and I probably would have roundhouse kicked (If I could do that sort of thing) to anyone who showed up and started clicking away. It's not like it was a crime scene...although you really wouldn't have known that by the house mass of emergency vehicles outside my house.

Kate - YES that was ME!

PJ Momma - Good Lord YES my head is sore. It feels as if my hair is barely attached and my scalp is so tender. Just the mere thought of having to brush that side of my head hurts.

Jen- Glad I could make your day. If you take away anything from this, let it be that you never underestimate your Dyson....KD, that goes for you too, being the new Dyson owner that you are!

Deb/Bird - Nope, not going to send it to Dyson. So not the poster girl they are looking for!

SDM - Yeah they brought out a pair of plyers to try and get the little roller wheel turning because the screwdriver would slip everytime they tried that which caused the whole thing to bash against my head. OUCH!

Meg - Yeah...just be glad I didn't call you at work.

Beej - See my first comment reply.

Karelle - I hope this gave you a pick me up, vs oh, lets say a suck you up! Pick me ups, as I can now attest, are infinitely better!

And if I missed anyone, just know that I am grateful you got a little something out of my domestic misfortune.

[Kate]

This is so funny - I'm practically in tears!

Things like this happen to me all the time - but nothing quite THIS FUNNY!

I think I'b better start following you on Twitter. Working on that right now....

[Dawn]

I havent had a chance to comment lately, but I have been lurking. I just wanna say I'm sorry. I am sorry for sitting here laughing my ass off. I am sorry for the tears rolling down my face. I am sorry that once I get to blog this weekend, I am going to reference this. I am sorry! LOL
BTW...ummm what was the response from all the responders???LOL I am sure they are sorry for laughing their asses offtoo. ;) But I am glad you are ok.

[Mamasphere]

Oh my good heavens, that has got to be the funniest thing I've ever read! I mean, you got your HAIR stuck in your vacuum! While it was till attached to your head! Oh my God, I can't stop laughing!

I'm going to try and weave this into a reason why I shouldn't be allowed to vacuum anymore. Let's see if my husband buys it.

[pajama momma]

That's too bad I wasn't on Twitter. I would have called the police for you.

me: Hello? I need help. Ok, well I don't need help, but Auds in Maine does. You know her right? Maine's teeny tiny isn't it? If you stick your head out the window, you can prolly hear her hollering right now.

[Gubby aka ijefff]

I am glad everything worked out ok for you. I followed your adventure in real time on Twitter and was glad to hear that the entire EMS squad for your county came to your rescue.

Good thing that it was a Dyson and not a Tyson that grabbed you. A Tyson would probably would have bitten your ear off :-) !

[marlene]

ROFL @ Gubby aka ijefff's comment above!!!!!!

[Chesapeake Bay Woman]

It must be your Animal magnetism.

Sorry, I couldn't resist, I'm demented.

I have to confess that I find this hilarious and your well-being took a passenger's seat. Not a back seat, just a passenger's seat. With airbags.

This is hilarious. Plain and simple.

[Jody]

LMAO at All the comments. They're almost as funny as the Blog post!! Omg Auds. Why you???

And ditto to "You Better have taken pics of This"!!! Tooooo freakin bad you couldn't of taken the pics before the firefighters arrived hehehe!!!

[tinsenpup]

I couldn't laugh. It was just too easy to imagine myself doing this. Okay, maybe I laughed just a little bit... He he he.

[G]

Why is Auds like a bowl of petunias?

To quote the late Douglas Adams, from The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy:

"Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was "Oh no, not again"

G

[MommyTime]

Because you are okay, this is the funniest thing I've read in a long long time. I'm glad the brainiacs didn't have to cut your hair!

[Drama mama]

I am speechless- However, I was ROTFLMFAO when it first sucked you up!

[Kathi D]

Oh. Mah. Gah.

[Major Bedhead]

And this, ladies and jellyspoons, is why I use my grandmother's ancient Electrolux cannister vac. No hair trauma.

I'm sorry to laugh at your misfortune, but holy hell, that was some kind of funny.

[foolery]

Auds my dear, I too am sorry for your misfortune. I followed it in real time on Twitter, and was flabbergasted as it was happening.

Coincidentally, I copied FOUR PAGES of Tweets because of the magnificent pacing of your story with the other Tweets I follow. I plan to post it tonight or tomorrow night. Come by and see what I was seeing; it really was spectacular.

[Jody]

Ooooh and I just remembered. I know where I can get my hands on some nice WEAVE!!!!!!!LMAO!!!

[dadorbust]

I saw it unfold on Twitter and it was...awesome. This is the pilot episode to your self-starring sitcom, you realize.

The lack of photos of you stuck in the vacuum is devastating though.

[Susan]

Oh my gosh, Auds! Only you...I swear only you!!! That did make my day though, sorry to admit it. Seriously though, I'm soooo happy you came through "nearly" unscathed! Take care of yourself and BE CAREFUL!! We definitely need to catch up soon...life is just way too busy, but I love to read your blog just to see how you are.

Much love!

[Andrea]

That many rescue personnel showed up because they just had to see what you got yourself into. They all have blogs, too.

Hee hee. And now that I've made you paranoid, I'll say that while it sucks (ha, total pun) about your situation, you provided me with a much needed laugh today. Thanks for that.

[foolery]

Can't comment on today's post but I think it's hilarious that you have an ad for an Oreck vacuum below the post. Still laughing, by the way, but truly glad you're not too damaged. :)

[threeundertwo]

This beats the time I accidentally set myself on fire.

Remember kids: When a crisis occurs, log on to Twitter!

Stumbled.

[Lisa]

Aaahhhhh, ummmmmm, wow. That was the funniest thing I have read in so freakin' long. Oh my goodness!!!!!

I. am. speechless.

[Lisa]

I must find my voice to say I am happy you are OK--I am betting it was very scary at the moment!

[Meg]

Found this via Foolery. I love you! - makes me feel just a bit better about my momentary lapses. LOL that they shut off the electricity. You know, just in CASE. Heh.

[Lynette]

All I have to say is Thank heavens for wooden floors...LMAO.

[Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy]

Thank you! I really needed a good laugh. I'm glad you're OK!

[Rachael]

OH MY GOD! I cannot believe that happened to you. It is horrifying. Funny, but horrifying. A vacuum tried to kill you! I'm glad it didn't.

[meg]

honestly i had to read this again this was ridiculous mom.

[Karly]

OH. MY. GOD. That is horrifying and yet hilarious all at once.

[MomZombie]

Got wind of your predicament through Foolery.
All I can say is glad you are OK. I can so see this happening to me. Now I don't feel so bad about brushing my teeth with cortisone cream and cleaning a hairball off the carpet with spray bleach. Oops!
--MomZombie

[cathy]

I'm embarrassed to say that I literally laughed out loud. I had a similar incident as a kid, except it was a go-cart that did the evil deed.

[Dani]

Found you via Five Star Friday...

I laughed. Hard. Not at you, but with you. I once got my hair wound up in a cordless drill at work. I ran and hid in my office and contemplated what to do just like you did. I decided to put the drill in reverse. Guess what? It got TIGHTER. I finally called a security guard from the building and told him to come ALONE. (I just realized what he must have thought, lol!) He stayed with me as we painstakingly unwound my waist-length hair piece by piece. I would have DIED if calling 911 was my only option! You poor dear.

On another note... What made this even funnier is that I'm a vacuum cleaner salesperson. And yes, I do sell Dysons. :)

[Carol]

Oh Auds you poor love.

Such things should never happen to anyone.

I am only slightly laughing at your misfortune I promise.

Though I am making the vacuuming the husbands job from now on just to be safe.

This is the 1st negative I have ever heard about a Dyson too.

[Carrie]

OH.

MY.

GOD.

You did not.

[BlapherMJ]

I found this post on Blog Nosh and absolutely love your blog. You are too funny! Thanks so much for the comedy... :-)

[Scriptor Senex]

I'm not letting my wife see this - she doesn't know how to use the vacuum (that's her current excuse and it's lasted twenty odd years so far). If she finds out they are dangerous as well I'll be doomed to do the cleaning until I die...
Thanks for what should win any competition for posting of the year!

[The Archduchess]

This is hysterically funny (greatly enhanced by the Twitter diary), but nothing to be ashamed of. It happens to other people too! Not that I speak from experience or anything...

[Mary Ellen]

Hey, I live in Maine, and I've been watching the news and didn't see anything about this. It should have made the news, after all, it's newsworthy in a state where they post pictures of people and their fish, right?
Sorry about your trauma, but thanks for being the kind of person who shares their pain for our amusement!

[meredith]

here from Ramblings. Oh my gosh! You poor thing! Oh, I am so sorry to laugh at/with you as I read of your trouble!

[Tammy]

Oh my gosh! This was hillarious! Came here via the Life and Times of Lisa. Glad you weren't seriously injured other than your pride. ;) I had to laugh at all that showed up to your rescue. The reason for it is from all the law suits people love to use. But still...Thanks for sharing and bringing laughter to the day! Love it.