Do the Beautiful People Really Think Like This?

I'm asking what might seem like a mundane or even nonsensical question, but to me, and millions like me, it's important.   Take a moment to make yourself comfortable because I want you to really think about what I'm going to ask you.

Are you ready? 

What do you think when you see two obese people display affection towards one another?  Does it make you uncomfortable?   Or hell, for giggles, what do you think when you see this picture of me, an obviously very obese woman, displaying proof that not only do the obese kiss, but they...are you ready for this?  We have sex! It's highly cropped, but here I was in all my 7-month pregnant belly glory, when I was pregnant with Gaby, back in November of 2005.

As further proof that the portly do indeed procreate, here is one of the images from Christmas 2006, that for obvious reasons, didn't make it on our Christmas cards that year.

I've had five children, so I think it's safe to assume that I've had sex at least five times, as an obese person.  I know I know Mom, you're about to have a Grand Mal seizure because I'm being so open about my sex life.  Deal with it for a little bit, OK?

Why all the fuss about sex and obesity and other displays of affection as exhibited by the modern day morbidly obese person?   I'm so glad you asked!  Well, even if you didn't, I'm going to tell you!

Before I go any further I just want to say something about why I'm writing this...it's because for too long, women and men, like the blogger mentioned below, have gotten away with being able to say things like this and have it be OK, or even acceptable as the "norm" in our society.   You all know, if you've been reading me long enough, that I, in no way, shape or form, feel that being obese to the point where it affects your health, is OK.  However, you also know that I've dealt with some massive forms of hate, because of my obesity.   I don't want to become the Poster Child for the obese in our country, but if that's what it takes to get people to wake up and smarten up, then so be it.   When I wrote my piece for Woman's Day magazine, I tried to articulate the hatred that the obese face, in our society.  The blog post I talk about below is yet another example of that intolerance.

Earlier this evening I came across a piece written by Maura Kelly, who appears to be (I haven't really looked into her background all too deeply because I'm still seething with anger at her post, to really care what her background is, although her bio-blurb states that she's working on a her first novel...that may be so but I won't deign to call her a writer!), a romance/dating blogger for Marie Claire, about "Fatties" and whether it's OK for obese characters on television to display affection for one another, let alone breath!  Here, let me use her own words to display her complete intolerance for fat people...

"...So anyway, yes, I think I'd be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other ... because I'd be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room..."

Ms. Kelly goes on to say:

"I also know how tough it can be for truly heavy people to psych themselves up for the long process of slimming down."  and, "But ... I think obesity is something that most people have a ton of control over. It's something they can change, if only they put their minds to it."

Really Ms. Kelly?  Do you mind if I ask you were you earned your degree in behavioral psychology or psychiatry for that matter?  Do you even have the faintest clue that for many of us, it's our brains/mental/emotional issues that make us eat?   We have deep-seated issues that aren't as easy as you claim, to get control of.  It takes years, and in some cases, entire lives are spent trying to exorcize the emotional demons  so that we can get some control over our eating, and ultimately, our lives.

According to Ms. Kelly, it's simply a matter of us not really putting any effort into it, if we're sitting here reading this and are obese.   If only it were that simple.

It's the small-minded, intolerant, bigoted, elitist attitude like that of Ms. Kelly's that leads people like myself to live lives hidden in their homes, only leaving to do the family grocery shopping late at night so that no one will glare at us, or peer into our carts with expressions of judgement and condemnation. Words similar to those Ms. Kelly used are the impetus for many of us who are obese to live our lives in fear of living itself because we're faced with dealing with the hatred and contempt from people like her on an all too frequent basis!    

The lack of tolerance exhibited by Ms. Kelly is one of the reasons I lived like a recluse for nearly three years and it's that same elitist snobbery that drove me to binge and then purge because of the self-hatred and loathing I felt.   Denigrating and discriminating against the obese is still viewed as entirely acceptable by the bulk of society.  We get the message that obesity is unacceptable, shoved down our throats via the movie, television and the magazine industries on a minute by minute basis.

Ms. Kelly's later-added apology is trite, poorly written, and only serves to further rub salt into the wounds of those she demeaned by her words in the original post.  I don't think it would be going too far to label her a bully.

At the end of her post, Ms. Kelly asks her readers:

"What do you guys think? Fat people making out on TV — are you cool with it? Do you think I'm being an insensitive jerk?"

Ms. Kelly, I think "insenstive jerk" is an understatement of epic proportions.  Simply put, I think you're an insecure bitch.

**********

After spending more than an hour venting about this on Twitter and Facebook, I've come to a decision; I will not be quiet about this.   Writing that essay for Woman's Day and now, taking part in a major documentary about obesity are just a couple of ways I can talk about what it's like to be an obese woman in a society that looks upon us like we're little better than dog crap you'd wipe off of the bottom of your shoe.   Posts like Ms. Kelly's do nothing to quiet this sentiment.   We're seen as uneducated, poorly spoken, white trash, ugly people.

In the course of trying to regain control over my life, my eating and most of all, my health, I'm going to do everything I can to disprove the "myth of the fat person" and help quash the intolerance we face, and ultimately answer the question of why the majority of society (the "elite beautiful"), think we are less than because we are more than what is considered ideal?

Comments

[anymommy]

I'm sorry any of this has to be said, but I'm so glad that you said it. Hate has trouble surviving in the face of real stories. Your words will play a part in leaving these hurtful falsehoods behind forever.

[Launa]

Oh hon, I'm so sorry... what a royal bitch!
I like watching people (any size, color, age, etc) loving on each other. I'm not a big fan of watching the explicit sex that seems to be found on so many tv shows or people playing tonsil hockey and groping each other at Disneyland while they stand right next to my toddler no matter what they look like.
I just think there's a different between a public display of affection and a public display of perversion.
So, kiss on!!!
And I love the belly shot! You looked beautiful preggers!!!

[jessica]

I have to laugh, Audrey that this moron would have the audacity to hit the "publish" button knowing that this bullshit is being sent out into the universe.

To say she is a complete idiot, is a compliment. Marie Claire should be embarrassed. If you want to put together a petition asking for them to toss her to the curb,I'd be happy to sign it and ask others to do so as well.

xoxo

[BarnMaven]

I posted about it too, Auds. Even her apology was lame and way off the mark.

What a dipshit. Why someone like that gets jobs writing for high end magazines beats the crap out of me.

[CanCan]

Having lived overseas, I kind of notice now that Americans are real asshats in general about just about anything. Personally as I travel a lot and I have kids, I feel lots of hate stares because I dared to procreate and then bring my kids aboard the airplane. I don't know what gave Americans this extremely cantankerous, spoiled, bitchy attitude about just about EVERYTHING! Everybody in the whole country has some kind of chip on their shoulder about SOMETHING and they just can't keep it to themselves!
I guess my beef is with people having irrational beefs with everything!
And another thing (oo now I"m worked up), its cool to support just about any kind of love relationship, standing up for the rights of people to love who they choose regardless of race or gender....but now they have to physically look a certain way to have a right to affection? Real logical, reeaallll logical. (okay that last sentence was sarcastic, just in case you didn't read it with the right intonation).
I need to go take some deep breaths.
PS, I don't really want to watch anyone "doin it" on TV. Nothing personal to any of the actors or actresses who do it on film. K thanks.

[Cyndi]

Audrey,

Sandy had a meeting to attend Monday night, so I sat in the family room and watched television by myself for a while. I happened to turn on Mike and Molly --a cute, quirky, overweight couple who...ta da...finally have sex. We didn't see anything but them walk into the bedroom, but frankly, that is just fine with me no matter what the size or shape of the couple might be. I was cheering them on the whole time.

In this country of perpetual youth and perfection, the other big tabu is the thought that elderly (you know --anyone over 30!) have sex, too. How grossed out are people with the thought that 60 and 70 year olds (and older, I dare say) have sex? There is more sex going on in assisted living facilities than any college dorm in the country. It's delightful to watch the flirting that goes on. It's also wonderful. My dearest friend can tell you about her mother having her drop her off at her boyfriend's assisted living for a booty call! My friend called me while I was walking in Palm Beach to kill some time while that was going on!

Regarding the bitch who wrote the piece: She doesn't deserve the time you've spent on her. She's a hateful, narrow-minded, self-righteous, bigoted, ignorant, uninformed, horrible bitch. I hope she ages prematurely and has breasts that sag to her knees.

In the meantime, my dear, YOU are beautiful and YOU are a very talented writer. To hell with Maura Kelly and Marie Claire.

[melissa]

Imus got canned for saying what he did. So did the publis radio due. She should be shit canned for saying what she did. What issue is that magazine? I'd like to start a petition to have her canned.

[Tracey]

I think you look positively beautiful pregnant, and I think you are beautiful not pregnant. I also think you are a wonderful writer, I look forward to reading you.

I also am not a fan of watching anyone make out on TV - no matter what body shape!

Keep up the good work, and hold on to all your passion...it really shines through when you write with your passion.

[Jenn]

Well, seeing as my Mum has been obese for as long as I can remember, and now that we're adults and she, like me, has a tendency to over share, I KNOW that she has sex. The only thing that grosses me out a little bit is that fact that she's my Mother LOL! It doesn't bother me what size someone is to see them kissing or showing any other form of affection (and yep - that includes sex if I happen to be watching porn - yeah, yeah, I watch it sometimes). So no, it does not bother me one bit! I think she is right in some sense that if you truly want something (such as losing weight) than it has to be mind over matter - but we all know that's easier said than done sometimes.

[Linda]

I'll have to come back to comment. Right now I'm unable to articulate.

[Ann Re]

What an incredibly sick person!!!!!!!

[big hair envy]

Interestingly enough, my sister recently told me that I MUST watch "Mike & Molly"...she said it was a show about "real" people, and that it was hilarious! Come on back down to the country, Auds...we love people just they way they are:)

[big hair envy]

**the** way they are

[Marlene]

The first line in the second paragraph of Maura's article says it all!

"Because I can be kind of clueless...."

[lceel]

The people who have the biggest problems with other people's shape and size are the ones with the problem. That said, the ONLY concern I have about people who are larger than they probably should be, is one of health. There are prices to pay in terms of overall health when one is obese. And that is my concern about other people who, like me, are larger than they should be.

[Barb Murphy]

I find it very interesting that her bio describes her as being in her 30's and never being in love.........hmmmmmm........I think we can all figure out why!

[boB Cleveland]

1) Your picture of you pregnant is terrific. It says a lot .. a LOT about you then, and even more about you now.

2) When I look at the picture of you guys on the stairs, I see a bunch of happy people. I wonder how many scornful "skinny thinnies" would gladly trade for that....

My 26 y/o grandson Matthew .. and he's a pretty big boy .. has a T-shirt that says "I have 99 problems, but SIZE isn't one of of them".

Amen.

[Andi]

Kudos Audrey! be the voice, speak out. It is the ONLY way things may change. I have never in my life subscribed to what the "elite beautiful" had to say, and am presently dealing with major depression and anxiety in my daughter due to the torture that the "elite beautiful" have imposed on her over the years. I have raised my children to be loving and tolerant. I only wish more parents did.

[Cathy]

First off, your pregnancy picture is beautiful.

It's attitudes like Ms. Kelly's that perpetuate the obesity stereotypes and make us the last "acceptable" prejudice. It's not okay to judge someone by the colour of their skin, sex, ethnic group, or age...but it's perfectly *okay* for somone, anyone to comment on one's weight and have other like minded individuals nod and agree?? It's wrong. It's hurtful, it's ignorant, and it's wrong. I'm glad you're taking up the cause for all of us Audrey, your voice is strong and clear, and it's time to end this perception that "if they only ate less and got off their fat asses they'd lose weight" once and for all!!!!!

[twitter.com/mommabird2345]

You & I think the same way! After reading her article yesterday, I posted this on twitter:

if fat people walking across the room grosses out @maurakellyblog, I hope me having dirty, naked sex w/my husband is burned into her mind

http://twitter.com/mommabird2345/status/28821565606

You are amazing and BEAUTIFUL! I applaud you! *HUGS*

[A Reader]

Audrey I am the lady who left you a comment a couple of months ago about jumping the gun and thinking you were as negligent as a couple of other trollish comments did, but then I went and looked you up online and found some public records that I'm pretty sure explained that very bad thing. I am the one who now sees you in a completely diffrent light. I know you said you cant talk about your court case and that it's over. Isn't there not anything you can do? After reading this trash talk by the girl who wrote the fat-bashing article there has to be some way you can tell your story and what happened to you and how nasty and just really bad it was. Your story shines a light on how despicabely fat people are treated in the world. You ARE beautiful but more important than that, your voice is beautiful and if anyone can get people to listen to them it is you. Please cant you find some way to share your story without getting into trouble or breaking a contract? If I didn't think it would get you into trouble I'd start a web site and post all the information. If I can find all that stuff online, then anyone can. I hope they do. I hope it doesn't make you mad that I'm saying this but I'm angry and angry for you. One thing you can always remember, you can fix fat but the lady who write that Marie Claire blog can't fix stupid.

[Chris]

You and your family are GORGEOUS!!! I read that article and it made me sick. As if overweight people aren't really people....makes me SICK!!! Beautiful pictures of beautiful people!

[Lisa]

Just found your blog and am now following you on twitter and sent you a FB request! thank you so much for speaking out on this. I wrote a letter to Marie Claire and published it on my blog along with links to a ton of posts about this, including yours!!
http://www.ohboyohboyohboy.com/2010/10/letter-to-editors-of-marie-claire.html

[Major Bedhead]

I'm not going to comment on the Marie Claire article because my feelings are identical to yours.

But I am going to say that you are freakin' HOT in that pregnancy picture.

[Txtingmrdarcy]

Audrey, "beautiful people" do not think like this. Miserable stick figures do (apparently Ms Kelly has a history of eating disorders as well, which while it doesn't make what she wrote ok, partly explains her skewed way of thinking). She's also getting her ass kicked across all forms of social media.

You are truly lovely, and that picture of you expecting Gaby is priceless. :)

[SSP]

i have a friend who says mean, callous things about strangers..."bums" on the street, "fat a**es at the gym, and "butt ugly hair cuts and clothes" and more. Sometimes it amazes me that I consider her a friend, when she is such an absolute snobby bitch. It saddens me to think that she may think something nasty about ME and I wonder if she says horrible things about me to other people...if she can be so insensitive about complete strangers, where do I really stand? What power does it GIVE her to belittle others? Does she feel richer or thinner or more beautiful? I think people rarely look outside their own little box....and they NEVER think about how what they SAY or do could affect another person. You, however, Audrey, were gorgeous pregnant - your smooth glowing skin, your excited alive eyes....those were the things I noticed....

[Rachel]

holy. hell.

I'm speechless.

Standing up and applauding you.

[ABDPBT]

You know, this isn't going to help at all, but I'll say it anyway: what that woman wrote was about herself. She was writing about how she feels about herself and her body, and how she lives in her body like a prison every day, watching every calorie obsessively, and her own fears about life and death and things that have nothing to do with weight or society or you or me or whatever. She has fixated on "fat" as "bad" and that's her thing -- she stays thin as a means of control and her editors knew it and they played her against their audience and the whole thing is totally fucked up.

I totally get what you are saying here. And so that you know, my body and food for me are like, ugh. I cannot live with them and I cannot live without them. I think that most of us are like that, you know? I think we just are doing our best and want other people to do their best. I don't know that all people are good, but I do know that most people don't think the way that woman does unless there is something very wrong with them inside, and that has nothing to do with you or me, or how much we weigh.

And do your shopping in the daytime, lady.

[Gucci Mama]

This is my favorite response to that ridiculous article that I've seen. Brilliantly and eloquently written.

I was thin my whole life, and then I had seven miscarriages and two very high risk successful pregnancies in the last five years. I gained about 75 pounds. Part of that was the bed rest, part of that was a self control issue, but most of it was eating my pain. Trying to fill the void. You are so right on when you say that it's psychological. It's not about choosing broccoli over chips a few times, it's a whole host of issues.

Bravo, Mama.

PS - I'm STILL laughing at the fact that you've "had sex five times". Awesome!

[Ramona]

Sorry to just now be posting. Was in that boring class and I think I went into a coma....

That woman is a cretin. Hope I spelled it correctly, even if I didn't - piss on her.

I think people who luv each other should display their luv. Don't mean make out or anything, but affection and kisses to family, friends and whoever is okay by me.