I didn't post anything in the aftermath of the heinous bombings in Boston because it seemed like there were already a plethora of voices saying a lot of things I was feeling. We checked in with loved ones in the area and made sure those near and dear were safe and sound. In the meantime I've had alternating feelings between being glued to the television to make sure the terrorists (because that's exactly what they are, let's not be coy about this) were caught. At the end, one was killed and one was captured, but like I mentioned, I've had alternating feelings about it. I couldn't tear myself away, which is, I think, a bit unhealthy, and at the same time, I could feel a creeping numbness start to climb in each time I saw photos of the younger of the two Tsarnaev brothers, Dzhokhar.
19 years old.
Only 19 years old and already capable of so much hatred and violence. He stood there, right there, next to the youngest victim to die because of his hatred, little Martin Richard. He left that bomb right there, just a few feet away from Martin.
My youngest son is only 19. He's a typical American kid. Well outside of having a child of his own, he is, in every other aspect pretty typical of 19 year old males. I spent a little time reading the Twitter account of the younger Tsarnaev brother and what I saw, outside of a few (I only went back about 8 months) mentions of his zealous belief in Islam, the rest of his stream was similar to what I think you'd see in any 19 year old college student's Twitter stream. He even mentioned liking some of the same music my son likes, and retweeted several of Will Farrell's tweets. He quotes lyrics that 19 year old males feel is relevant to themselves and their peers, he bemoans his station life as a poor college kid living on less than gourmet food, and joked about it being a good thing that he had a professor that always accepted late assignments because he was once again, turning in an assignment late. Pretty standard fare for a kid who has nothing better to do but study, hang out, party . . . and terrorize an entire city, leaving several people dead, and hundreds injured, in his wake.
When I think about the death, destruction, and the outright fear as a result of the actions of the Tsarnaev brothers, especially the younger one, I simply can't understand how one so seemingly normal on the outside, so bright, with what appeared to be a great future on the horizon, could go so terribly, horribly wrong. From everything I've read, the elder Tsarnaev brother seemed to harbor a general misunderstanding of America and her people and never assimilated, after seeking refuge here as a teenager, whereas the younger boy fit in and even became a citizen, and became . . . well, typical, until he didn't. I don't even know this kid, yet something bothers me on a very deep level, so much so that I have to become numb to it, or it's going to drive me mad. How can one just turn on a switch like that, and go from normal to criminally insane with hatred for his fellow citizens and for a country that's given him so much?
I'm angry for the loss of life. I'm angry for the lives that were forever altered because of the actions of these two assholes (I won't apologize for the profanity; I'm being nice), and I'm angry for the life of the younger brother that could have been if it weren't for whatever it was - that I believe was planted and inspired by the Elder Tsarnaev brother - that will probably end in his own death as well, if it doesn't end up being plea bargained into life in prison. The parent in me doesn't believe that death is good enough for Dzhokhar. I want him to live and see what he did to those that he blew up. I want him to have to personally witness the pain and suffering he caused so many people. I want him to continually have to hear their sorrow, the anger, and the pain in their voices at lives forever changed because of his hatred.
Instead, I have to step back and take a deep breath because I can feel that little seed of hatred growing inside of me, gnawing away at me, making me loathe this young man more and more. While I want to try and understand what would make someone who has it so good, go so terribly bad and turn away from all the good he has known that this country is, I have to shut it off, tune it out, and turn away. I have to trust, despite my sometimes overwhelming lack of confidence in our justice department and those who are tasked with keeping us safe, that they'll make sure justice is in fact, served.
I know, that after reading all of this, you might think that I'm a bit naive in that I seem incredulous that a 19 year old was in part responsible for all of the carnage visited upon Boston and her people. No, I'm not. I know that many who were so much younger than 19 were responsible for the brutalities forced upon the Jewish people during the Nazi's reign in Germany, and that many other youths the world over, and throughout the course of humanity have been responsible for much worse. It's just that as I think about my own 19 year old son, I'm at a loss when it comes to trying to figure out what makes one who is so typical - what sort of thing turns what is little more than a child, into a complete and total monster? What prevents this madness from spreading to other "typical" kids? Maybe that's what really frightens and angers me . . . if it was this easy for the younger brother to be turned into a despicable monster, how easy would it be for those who want to sink their hooks into other impressionable youth, to do that?
To think too much upon all of this leads to too much fear and too much anger.
And that's why the numbness is so much better than the anger.
**********
I know this post was sort of rambling and perhaps not as well put-together as I'd hoped it would be. I don't think it came across on the screen, as it did in my head. Hopefully you'll understand what I was trying to convey in relation to last weeks tragic, awful events in Boston. The thoughts and prayers of my family remain with those affected, and those trying to cope in the aftermath. The actions and response of those affected in the face of all that terror, remain an inspiration to us.
***********
The migration from Typepad to a self-hosted site is actually happening, for real, and soon! The design and bones for Barking Mad's new home is complete, and over the next week or so, the actual move is taking place. In light of all this, I've intentionally been keeping the posts few and far between . . . so that's really no big change from the last 6 months then, right? I do have several new posts saved up in my draft folder, updates to Weight and See (oiy!), and so much to share, including lots of great photos. I just want to make sure I'm all tucked in, safe and sound, in my new home, before I start posting regularly again. I'm both excited and nervous about the move. I've been looking at doing this for the better part of 18 months now, and I finally got to the point where there were just too many negatives associated with keeping the blog on the Typepad platform, versus moving to Wordpress and taking things from there. Migrating a blog, especially one as large as mine, off of Typepad is a nightmare and there are few people who are willing to do it. Not even the big guys at LiquidWeb or RackSpace have the people who can do it, or are willing to do it. It takes someone both talented and patient to handle it. I'm lucky enough to have found the perfect combination of both of those in one mighty adroit woman, who rocks code like a Jedi rocks a light saber. Just as soon as I can find the link for my design Goddess, Tonya, I'll toss that out here too.
It's late, and the later it gets, the cheesier I get.
Hugs my friend. Hugs. Looking forward to the next time being in person again.
Posted by: Tracey | Wednesday, April 24, 2013 at 05:21 AM
Yes, the Numbness can feel better than anger, or maybe sadness which is what i feel for many instances of violence for victims and the ones committing the violence as I am starting to believe they also are victims of todays and of course yesterdays society. I've seen from quite close up the lives of so many who have been the "BAD GUY" and sooooooooo many of them WERE seemingly normal and had very decent upbringings. I used to be on the wall of haters and hangem till they die, but I've changed due to what i have read and seen,people i have met on and offline. and NOW I grieve for them all, victims and "bad guys". NO, i don't condone what they have done and still do, even when locked away, and I do go knumb at the REALLLY bad dudes especially when they harm a child. but yet, something in me grieves for all of them. TMI im sure. I could not read all of your post, as i am at the office, and my emotions have to be controlled. sooooooooooooooooo take care. and well, im all out of words for now. LM
Posted by: [email protected] | Wednesday, April 24, 2013 at 08:55 AM