DIY Skin Tag Removal . . . or Not

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I just discovered an awesome new way to get rid of those pesky skin tags around my neck.   I'm now going to share this little technique with you, so you too can experience freedom from those annoying hanger-on'ers, because I’m generous like that.  

 Remember, this method is only useful for skin tags on the neck.  If you’ve got them elsewhere on your body, you’re on your own!

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Get in your car, (make sure you fasten your seat belt!  Not only is this to keep you safe and prevent you from becoming a personal projectile missile in the event of a collision, but it's germane to my discovery) and start driving somewhere - anywhere, it doesn't really matter.   Go to Target.  You never need a reason to go to Target.

As you're driving along, slam on your brakes as hard as you can when the asshat in front of you in the 1976 powder blue Ford Pinto Runabout (named after the horse, not the bean), with no functioning brake lights or turn signals decides to stop in the middle of the street and make an illegal u-turn. 

As a result of the sudden unanticipated stop (well as long as your brakes are fully functioning) your body will be thrown forward with such force, that as the seat belt does its job to keep you from being launched through the windshield, it will also act as a scalpel of sorts and shear off a few of those nasty skin tags.    Depending on the age of your car and condition of your seat belt (and whether teenagers have been driving your car; there’s no telling what kind of crap they get all over the seat belts.  Honestly, you’re probably better off not knowing anyhow) your seat belt might also act as an instant exfoliator for your delicate décolletage area.    

Now, if you don’t happen to be traveling more than 35mph, you probably won’t experience the added benefit of the seat belt not only acting as a not so precision scalpel, but as an instant cauterizer , thanks to that great little phenomenon known as “seat belt burn.”   You’ll probably have to be on the highway in order to reach speeds sufficient enough (when you suddenly slam on your brakes to prevent your automobile from become a lethal weapon) for the seat belt to not only slice the skin tags off, but cauterize the open wound as well. 

Because I was driving along at a measly speed of 35mph, I will now return to my corner with my book, “How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You” and sit there while I slowly bleed to death. 

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Seriously kids, don’t try this at home.     Just get some dental floss and tie those sonsofbitches off and wait for them to turn black and die, then fall off your neck one by one.  Oh and get a scarf, because I’m pretty sure that’s not the most attractive look, and possibly hard to pair with whatever shoes and handbag  (or okay, manbag – I don’t want to exclude anyone) you decide on – unless of course that Coach bag you pulled out of the closet happens to come in a deep, reddish-brown necrotic tissue tone, then you might be able to get away with it.    

I’ve also heard of something called the “Steampunk Approach” where you slide little paperclips over the offending skin tags and leave them there for a year however long it takes for the skin tags to eventually die and fall off.    I’m pretty sure this method is only recommended for those who have several skull and crossbones tattoos in visible places, a safety pin pierced through their eyebrow from which a silver (well I think it’s silver, it’s starting to turn green, so it’s pretty much anyone’s guess as to what sort of metal it really is) chain is attached that runs down and along the nose and is attached at the end to a hoop that’s been pierced through the upper lip.  Bonus points if you can then run the chain from your upper lip to your earlobe where you have a hole in your ‘lobe that is the approximate size of a golf ball, thanks to years of stretching with a gauge.   If you’re really creative, you could probably run a dainty little chain from each of those paper clips, connecting one to another. 

I’ve also heard of people using Compound W on skin tags in an attempt to get rid of them.  Maybe I’m wrong, but isn’t that stuff for wart removal?   I’ve only ever had one teeny tiny little wart in my entire life, and I used Compound W to get rid of it.  It sort of created this rock hard, whitish, volcano shaped mound over the wart.   Eventually the volcano fell off, taking the wart with it.    I guess, if you are insane aren’t too fussed by having several little volcano shaped chemical mounds on your neck, and you’re fairly certain all that Compound W won’t burn right through your skin, leaving you looking as if you have several blow-holes,  you could always give it a try.

Or, and this is just a thought,  you could always do what any sane person does and just go to the doctor and have him cut them off, one by one.   Of course, there’s no blog fodder in that, and you’ll have to pay for the privilege of sitting there, waiting for the inevitable snip of the surgical-grade scissors, followed by the not-so-subtle sting and then the pain.    If your doctor is really handy with those scissors, you might not even bleed . . .much.  

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You aren't really going to make me say it again are you?   Well OK, because I don't trust you . . .

Don't do this at home.  

Don't do any of it.  

Get out of your car and go right back into your house!  No!  Put the dental floss down, and don't even think about heading out to Staples to get a box of paper clips!  

Seriously?  You're going to call Walgreens to see if they have any Commpoud W in stock?  

Just get off your computer altogether.  You don't even deserve to have access to the internet!  

Comments

[LoriSlusarek]

Omg Audrey you are too funny this I think has to be one one of your best blogs ever lol

[Cheryl]

I used fingernail clippers and manicure scissors to get at the more reachable ones. And my son-in-law (he hunts deer so nothing as weeny as a skin tag phases him) helped me with the ones I couldn't get to very well. Yessir we have a rockin' family time here.

[Patti]

OMG you are a riot! Have you seen the tv ads for something called "Tag Away"? I'm pretty sure it's some kind of poison that makes your tags rot off your skin... I like your idea better!