Barking Mad

This and That

Right when I finally have some actual time to myself in order to sit down and write and not feel guilty about taking time away from Gaby, I'm completely unable to string together even the simplest words in order to form sentences into paragraphs which will [hopefully] eventually make a post.

Talk about irony!  I have all the time in the world to write, and am unable to get anything out.

**********

Miraculously, I survived Gaby's first day of school, then the following week.   Her first day was tough.  When I got home from dropping her off at the bus stop, I cried like a baby.  I walked into her room, was immediately surrounded by various shades of pink from her bedding to her toys to framed art on the walls, and then stepped on a Polly Pocket that she'd tossed on the floor when I let her know it was time to head out to  meet the bus.   I cried out in pain and didn't stop for the longest time.   I woke up, on her bed, cuddled between Geronimo and two of Gaby's Pillow Pets.  I haven't told her that I sorta-kinda snotted all over the unicorn Pillow Pet.  We'll keep that between you and me, OK?   Well, I did wash the Unicorn, but had she known I so much as shed a tear on it, she'd have been grossed out for life!  So, let's keep that mum!

By the way, she loves school!  Loves it!

This week and next at school they're reviewing colors and as a part of that, they're supposed to come to school wearing an item of clothing in the "color of the day."  Today's color was red.

Her smile inspiRED all sorts of happiness in me this morning!

**********

Here's my PSA (Public Service Announcement) for the month . . .  If you have a varicose vein that suddenly looks very angry, is sore to the touch and the area around it has turned into a huge, hot, red, mess?   Don't ignore it.  PLEASE DON'T IGNORE IT!   Don't be careless, like I was, and wait to find out that it's not just an irritated varicose vein, but two blood clots! 

Good news is that it's treatable and I'm getting it taken care of.  Bad news is that I am unable to fly until the clots are gone, which means putting off my trip to the UK to see Meg and Kennedy, until mid-November.  I was booked and ready to fly out on October the 19th.   Thankfully my ticket can be changed.

**********

Speaking of Kennedy and amazing smiles that make me happy . . . Can you believe this little pumpkin is going to be two months old on the 21st of this month?  Meg took this photo with her cell phone back on September 10th.  This itty bitty girl already has such a big smile!  I can't wait to go snuggle her!

**********

The other good news I found out during my doctor visits for Clod and Clem (yes, I've named my blood clots.  Did you expect any less of me?) was that I've lost 11lbs.   Now, that might seem like a big deal, but when you are still 200lbs overweight and on top of that, recently gained 17lbs due to massive dosages of Prednisone - well, it's not such a big deal.   But, I'm still counting it as a win.   I'm taking them wherever I can get them, at this point.   And, I'm off of the Prednisone.  If I can manage my stress levels and keep my eczema flares under control with the topical steroids, I shouldn't have to go back on it! 

**********

In other news, I'm blonde.  Again.   We all knew it was coming.   Besides, it's the only thing that does a good job of camouflaging all of the grey!  I did it myself.  Well Gareth helped.  He yanked pulled my hair though one of  those goofy looking caps, and I highlighted it from there.  Those caps are definitely meant for women (and I suppose men, too) with much shorter hair than I have. 

**********

Bankruptcy.  

Ugh.  There. I said it.   I don't feel much better though.    Bank of America has finally, 22 months later, started to move on the foreclosure of the house in Maine.     We were just served with notice that they'd filed suit in court and I guess everything moves pretty fast from here on out.   Yes, we deserve to lose our home because we could not pay for it.   We weren't going to just stay there and live for free, off of the bank, when Gareth lost his job.     Gareth accepted the offer here in New York and we did what we felt was the best thing for our family, we moved.  We were unable to rent the home out, the bank wouldn't approve a short sale and after several false modifications (on their part!), and then telling us they'd accept a deed in lieu of foreclosure and then reneging on that, we gave up. 

So, while foreclosure is what we had coming, it still bothers both Gareth and me a great deal.   However, we didn't want a deficiency judgement hanging over our heads and bankruptcy is the only way to deal with that and the numerous medical bills that have become overwhelming. 

We know we aren't the only ones in this boat, and others tell us that this will enable us to start fresh and move on.    That's cold comfort though when the economy is as bad as it is and we're not sure we'll ever be homeowners again or be "credit worthy" ... ever.

**********

Weight and See starts in earnest next week (I lost the permission I was recently granted to have my weekly weigh-ins, videoed.  Bummer.  ) and I was wondering what sort of stuff you want to see me document?   My original plan was to post the weigh-in vlogs, 1-3 weekly meal preparation vlogs, video diaries, etc.   There won't be any world-class trainers yelling at me and standing on my back while I do push-ups.   So, I'm not real sure what all I should be including.

I'm still going to be posting more in the Emotional Fat series of posts.  So, those are coming, too.  Parts 4, 5, and 6 are written but I ran them through something called grammarly.com and it turns out that I pretty much suck as a writer.   Once I've corrected all of the hundreds of grammar and myriad other errors that were pointed out, I'll post them.  I suppose this means I am going to have to end my illicit love-affair with commas.  Damn!

**********

 So, how have you been?  What have you been up to? 

And hey, I've missed you.  Let's not wait so long again, to get together!

 

Because It's Monday, and You Deserve to Laugh!

For those of us with daughters that will be eventually entering "that" age, or those of us who have already had daughters go through this and we can say "been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt!"  And, finally, for all of those dads out there who pray something like this never happens to them!

This is for you!

 

The Frantics-Her First Period - watch more funny videos

Odds, Ends, and 47lbs!

It's been a while since I posted something that wasn't emotionally heavy or made people call me a baby killer (I apologize for not deleting those comments sooner on my most recent post - for those of you who subscribe to my blog comments via email.), and instead, threw some photos up here and called it good.  So guess what?  That's what I'm going to do.    "Emotional Fat" is going to be a lot bigger than I originally ever thought it would be and there's also a follow up to the "Guilt" post from last week, in the works, as well.  So don't get too comfy with cute-kid and fluffy cat photos!  ;-)

Easter around here was pretty low-key, this year.    We took Gaby to see the rare hare himself in order to let her sit on his lap and ask for more chocolate than any human should consume, and of course, before she posed for photos with the Easter Bunny, we took some cheesy shots at home.   I'm not a huge fan of indoor photography, as you can tell.  I'm not thrilled with the overall quality of the photographs, but I sure do love the subject!

Gaby refused to wear the hat outside of the house.   Of course, I can't get her to take it off while we're inside the house.   It figures.

Amidst all the ups and downs of the last week, we've also discovered that Gaby is now, officially, a full-fledged reader!  We are wicked-proud of her!

Of course, now that she can read, everyone, and I do mean everyone in the house gets read to on a daily basis! 

When she isn't reading or dancing, she's running around in her Hello Kitty bikini working on movements she's learning in gymnastics.   She has leotards, so I'm not quite sure why she insists on putting on that silly bikini. 

She has come such a long way since she started gymnastics (which is really basic tumbling and cartwheels, bridges and other beginner stuff), and I'm so grateful that she not only has a wonderful teacher, but that her teacher is one of my closest friends.   Gaby has grown in both strength and confidence since starting the classes in September.   We're so proud of her!

Here she is working on her bridge and hoping to turn that into a bridge walk-over (Andrea/Kim, is that what that's called?)  in the next month or so. It might take her a little longer, but she'll get there!

And up next, she's heading into a cartwheel...

She doesn't quite complete the cartwheel but like with the bridge to the walk-over, she'll get there.  The important thing is, she's having fun learning! 

Lastly, I have been staying away from the keyboard intentionally because the Zombie Hands of Doom have dictated that I keep them away from the keyboard lest I end up covering it in ooze and blood.   Yeah I know, it's gross.  Gareth finally had enough of it and made me go into Urgent Care late Saturday afternoon and it's good that I did.   Turns out that I have a massive infection in my right hand that if left untreated could have turned into sepsis because it was that bad.  

These photos were taken after the nurses cleaned my hands up.  They called it debriding the infection.  One of the nurses is now sporting a broken jaw.   I jest.  Let's just say that having my hands taken care of like that was not a pleasant experience.   I said a lot of naughty words that I've been working hard on not uttering, out-loud anyhow, while being debrided.   I'm pretty sure at some point, I cried so hard that I asked for my mommy.   

The nice doctor who treated me,  loaded me up with my old buddy Prednisone (let the pig outs and bad moods commence!), a super-strong topical steroid, and heavy duty antibiotics to kill the infection.   I'm hoping I can manage my stress levels because it's directly contributing to the eczema flares.   However, we're not going to open up that can of worms because I don't feel like it.  Happy thoughts people, happy thoughts!

Oh and when I said "heavy-duty antibiotics"?  I should have also mentioned that these things are so big that even a horse would have trouble choking them down!

That's a quarter in my hand, next to my new little friend that I have to manage to try and swallow, three times a day.   Oiy!  There are times during the day, right before I take the pill, that I think it might be easier to attempt a cartwheel at my age and size, then it is to try and choke that thing down.

Last but certainly not least, but something that came as a complete shock to me,  is the fact that I have lost an additional 47lbs since February 1st, 2011.    I have been weighing myself with our wimpy scale at home, and it's only read that I've lost 2lbs since then, and before that, the one and only time I've gone into a medical office to be weighed since earlier this past winter, and it's reading wasn't any different.  

However, on Thursday morning I had no choice but to be weighed.  I didn't even know that I was being weighed until the nurse at the end of my bed told me he was going to get my weight.   He then told me to lay still.  Turns out that beds in the cardiac unit of Saratoga Hospital have built in scales.  Sneaky sneaky!  I understand why that sort of thing is necessary but it still sort of threw me for a loop.  

Anyhow, the nurse that was weighing me read off my weight in kilograms and I said, (OMG I don't believe I'm doing this...FINALLY!),

"Oh I can tell you what it is without having to a look at a calculator!  It's 407lbs."

The nurse looked at me and said,  "I guess you must have flunked math in school, because you sure don't know how to multiply!  You weigh 360lbs."

OK so I'll let you all get over the shock of me FINALLY announcing how much I actually weigh because believe me, it was nothing compared to the shock of what he told me.    The last time I was in a doctor's office and was weighed, was in January.   My total weight loss as of that point in time was 82lbs.   Up until Thursday I thought I still had close to 250lb to lose.   I still have a lot of weight to lose but I'm blown away that I've lost FORTY SEVEN POUNDS in a little over two months.   I have no clue how I did it and I don't notice it when I look at myself and no one has commented on it.  But I guess when one is as fat as I am, it takes more than 47lbs to be able to notice it. 

Well, that's not completely true.   None of my bras fit.  The girls are literally swingin' on the vine.   Gareth, loving soul that he is, when I took off my blouse and jeans in front of him and demanded to know where I'd lost the fat from, said, "Everywhere!"   Bless his sweet British heart!

129lbs down and 203lbs to go.   I'm horrified to even post those numbers, for you all to see.  But it is what it is.  Thankfully it isn't what it was!

With that, I'm going to bed.  There's a wonderful thunderstorm raging outside and I want to drift off to sleep listening to the wind and thunder banter back and forth while the lightning jostles for a place in the conversation.

ETA- I'm moderating comments for a while.  If it takes a while for your comment to appear, it's just because I haven't gotten around to publishing it.  I'm trying to approve them as soon as they come in, but sometimes it takes me a little while. 

 

One Year Later

I looked at the calendar this morning and realized that not only is it already the first day of the last month of the year, but it also marks one year since Gareth started working here in New York and we packed up the house in Maine and moved to the Adirondack region of upstate New York.  People often ask me, knowing that a year has passed,  how I'm liking New York and if the adjustment is becoming any easier?   Whilst I no longer hate it as much as I did I'm not completely sure I know how to answer the question. 

I did get the shock of a lifetime recently when we went into New York City where I began filming for a major documentary on obesity.   I was both excited and nervous about being filmed and the constant background dialogue that always goes on in my head - the one where I obsess over what people think about me; but more than that, I was just plain nervous about being in New York City, especially considering the fact that we were driving down there!

Long story short...I loved it.  No, really, I LOVED NEW YORK CITY!   There is a vibe that runs through the city and into your soul from the moment you cross the George Washington Bridge, and stays with you as long as you're within the city limits.   The smells, the people, the noise, the lights, the taxis...in short, it's alive and very much unlike any other place I've been.  It's not even like Paris, London, Brussels, or any of those places I've visited.

NYC is the complete opposite of where we live.  I've yet to be able to even get a sense of any sort of "vibe" around here and I'm left feeling totally numb most of the time.   While I don't think I could ever live in NYC, I can't wait to visit again.   I know, I'm just as shocked! 

I honestly don't hate it here.   I'm surviving...as a family we're surviving and who knows, we may very well figure out how to thrive.  Crazier things have happened.

At the end of the day, despite the exorbitant cost of living (don't even get me started on the fact that our health insurance rates are going up by 30% on January 1st!),  my failure to fit in and constantly feeling like a wallflower; when I look back at the last year I'm aware that there are some very positive changes I've made in my life.   I've reached out to a good friend here and we get together often - even if it did take me six months of being here before I worked up the courage to actually meet her face to face, I've put myself out there in ways I never imagined possible, (The Biggest Loser, my feature in Woman's Day magazine, and now attempting to go very public with my weight loss journey), and it didn't kill me!

Sure, I'm not completely weaned from Maine.  I never will be.  Maine will always be home.  Always.  Believe me, the first chance we get (Gareth feels the same way I do about Maine), we're going to go back.  For now though, we're here and there's something deep inside me - some niggling feeling - that we're here for a reason.

I think the biggest thing I've realized in the last year is that it's within my own power to create the life I want to have and to either be happy while doing so, or be miserable.   I don't always make the right choices.  For instance, Monday night I bitched about how none of the other mothers at gymnastics class wanted to sit next to me.   I didn't even stop to think about the fact that all of these women know one another and have for some time.  I'm not local to the area where Gaby takes gymnastics and we go to that gym because a close friend of mine teaches Gaby's class and it's more than worth the 45 minute drive.  So maybe, just maybe it's not because I'm a fat unattractive woman; but perhaps it's because they don't know me and maybe I'm giving off "don't sit next to me because I think I'm worthless" vibes.  

Next Monday night will be better.  I'll make more of an effort to get to know people.  I'll smile and try to show on the outside, how I really want to feel on the inside...that I'm worth getting to know. 

Who knows, maybe in the long run, if I can change my outward attitude towards some of these moms, maybe I can change how I feel about living here?   Perhaps this time next year, I might be singing an entirely different tune and will have finally discovered something to embrace about life in upstate New York.   After all, stranger things have happened!

 

 

An Analog Girl Living in a Digital World

Do you ever sit and wonder what life is going to be like, 25, or even 30 years down the line?  When I was a little girl, I used to.  I'd lay on my stomach on the floor whilst watching The Jestons on TV and imagine a world where Rosie the Robot would bring me a grilled cheese sandwhich and Coke, where I'd never have to intentionally ignore my mother's shouts to pick up the poop from our robotic dog, Astro, because HELLO, robotic dogs don't poop, and then on Sunday afternoons, we'd all pile into our car and zoom around the stratosphere, maybe stopping on Jupiter to pick up something to eat.  

It seems silly but that's really as much as I thought about what life would be like in the future and how cool it would be to have all these gizmos and gadgets and things that would make our lives easier.   But now that I'm here (sans the flying car and robotic dog), I don't know if all these gadgets are so cool, or if they really make my life any easier.    Sure, all of our snazy advances in technology has made it easier for me to overshare share the numerous details of our lives with anyone and everyone, and I can even order pizza online, (although it still takes more than an hour to get to me - they haven't quite worked out the kinks on that one yet), notwithstanding all these neato advances, some of which are meant to bring us closer together, I kinda of feel like we're moving further and further from one another, in spite of the fact that we're all connected to each other, virtually 24 hours a day!  Does that make sense?

With Facebook, Twitter, email and text messaging, we really don't even need to talk to one another on the phone anymore or even pick up a pen and write a letter.  Instead of sending a nice personal card for your grandmother's birthday, you can just send her a convenient e-card.   You don't even have to walk into the local branch of your bank any more...you can take care of that all, online.  Because of all of these wonderful technological and internet advances, you really don't have to interact with anyone, on a personl level, anymore if you don't want to.  You can confine your life to a world almost entirely made up of virtual interaction.  Thankfully though, if you want to have a family, you still have to do that, the old fashioned way!   However, if you need help hooking up with someone to start that family with, you can let your fingers do the walking.  There are a plethora of online dating sites that will match you with a potential mate, for a nominal fee of course, which may or may not include your first born.

In our own home we each have cell phones (which, are in fact smart phones but have a habit of making us feel really stupid!), computers, MP3 players, DVR's and a few other electronic gadgets.  I pay most of our bills online and because of this, I only write one check a month...our rent.  Recently, I had to stop and think about the actual physical act of writing the check because I just don't do it often at all anymore.  I kept looking at it to make sure I'd filled it out the correct way.  It's funny, but I recall opening my very first checking account and being so excited when my first box of checks arrived in the mail.  I ran my hands over my name, imprinted at the top and felt like a real adult.  And now the act of writing a check is almost an annoyance. 

I might be in the minority but I'm not as excited about all these technological gizmos that Apple and Microsoft, AT&T and Sony are telling me I need to have.  I have a cell phone because...well, because I have one.  I suppose I'd survive if I didn't have one, just like I did when I didn't have one.  Even though having to carry it around with me all over the place is annoying, it does come in handy in the event of an emergency.  I just don't see the need to be able to do everything from an object the size of a deck of cards, that I can do from my personal computer.  And I'm so annoyed with texting sometimes that it's easier to just call the person I want to send the message to!   I've even heard people say that they hate talking on the phone at all because texting is so much easier.  Hmmm, I guess I know why a lot of my calls have been going to voice mail lately.

The one current digital craze out there that I absolutely refuse to have anything to do with is the "e-reader."  I can't do it.  I want to hold a book in my hands and have the tangible, physical experience of reading an actual book.   I want to be able to smell the crisp, white pages, hot off the presses and run my hands along the binding.    I have so many books that I've had for more than 25 years.  I can open up an old paperback copy of Stephen King's Salem's Lot and when I turn to page 227 there is a book marker there which was an old perfume insert from an ancient copy of 17 Magazine that I'd had.  It still smells like "Malibu Musk."   I can recall how I was 16 when I first read that book and slept with the lights on for an entire week because I was so scared that Barlow was going to come crawling out from under my bed and attack me!

I can open other books, like my copy of Anne of Green Gables that I've had forever and it still smells like my Aunt Meta's home (where the book was kept in a box for years and years) -  a mixture of Noxzema skin cream, instant coffee and Estee Lauder pressed powder.   I can close my eyes and remember sitting on her screened-in back porch on the glider, reading about Anne's adventures in Avonlea, while the bees buzzed in the roses around me, and the "shuk shuk shuk" of the sprinklers showered the grass of my aunt's back garden.  All I need to do is open that book and I'm instantly transported back to her house.

Books are a very physical experience for me, one which I've tried to share with each of my kids.  So far, Meaghan and Gaby are really the only ones that share my love of books, but I cherish the moments when I've sat with them in my lap, cuddled close and read the words, over and over again through the years...

Last night while I lay thinking here
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
And pranced and partied all night long
And sang their same old Whatif song:

Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?...

..from Shel Silverstien's A Light in the Attic, one of our favorites.   The jacket of that book has long since disapeared, and the pages are tattered and worn.  But it tells a story and has a history, something an e-reader will never have.  It has crayon doodles from where Matt and Meaghan took turns "writing" in it when they were three.  It is missing a couple of pages that Zach ate when he was one and it has teeth indentations from being teethed on while Gaby was cutting her bottom teeth. 

Books, real, physical books, have an intimacy associated with them.   That's something that can never be conveyed by a flat white screen with black text scrolling across it.  It's cold and hard.   I'd never feel comfortable taking a pricey e-reader to the beach because I'd be too worried about getting sand in it and damaging it, whereas with a book, I can toss it down on the beach if I suddenly need to run after my 4 year old.

And there's a lot to be said for the act of walking into a book store, especially the tiny, hole-in-the-wall independent sellers, and buying a book, getting to the check out counter and having a discussion with the sales clerk about the books you've bought.

I overheard someone say that books would be obsolete in about 25 years.  So that's what the future might hold?  Cold metal pressed against flesh, whether it's phone, i-prooduct or e-reader...that's just so impersonal.  So many people rejoice in the age of connectivity we're currently living in, but sometimes I wonder if all of this social media and connectivity through various metal boxes just makes it easier for us to really avoid true personal interaction in the guise of communicating through all of this stuff.  And really, that's all it is...stuff.  Stuff we all seem so bent on having, myself included.  

Whilst one of these days I may very well cave to finally getting my own iPod (everyone else around me has one, including Gaby!), I can say, emphatically, that I can't see myself ever being enthusiastic about reading Green Eggs and Ham via something called a Nook or a Kindle.  I kinda think Dr. Seuss is rolling over in his grave just at the thought of it!

In the meantime, you can find me sitting here with an ancient copy of The Raven, drinking an ice cold Coke out of a real glass bottle, and listening to my beat up CD of Paul McCartney's Live and Let Die.